Red Sonja (1985)

As Good As It Gets

Wow! What a bizarre film! Unfortunately the few funny moments there were were quite overshadowed by it's completely weird and random vibe throughout.

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a very long time. You have to go and see this on the big screen.

The acting in this movie is really good.

You get pretty much what you expect. poor dialogue, weak acting, Arnold showing his muscles, Brigitte Nielsen showing her legs, comedic sidekicks. but one part that always makes me laugh in this film, when Sonja tells Conan...er, Kalidor, "I don't need a man's help." except the men who trained her, fed her, housed her, armed her, and provided her horse. lol but the film was entertaining for what it was.

A sword and sorcery epic which is let down by wooden acting and a lethargic, plodding storyline. Following CONAN THE BARBARIAN and CONAN THE DESTROYER as a sort of semi-sequel, there is also a surprisingly lack of on screen violence, with only one or two beheadings, no blood spraying anywhere, people just being run through with swords. RED SONJA may not be the worst of the worst but it is pretty uninspiring.Brigitte Nielsen stars in her first role. Surprisingly she turns out to be even more wooden than her co-star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nielsen might look good in a tunic but she totally lacks any natural charisma which makes her character a difficult one to like. Sadly Schwarzenegger is relegated to a supporting role in this one and he is given little to do apart from hack up some bad guys and do some silly strongman acts. Sandahl Bergman makes a good, wicked villainess but she sprouts clichéd dialogue which makes her look idiotic. Ronald Lacey also appears but is wasted in a supporting role. Look hard and you may spot Italian exploitation babe Janet Agren filling out a minor role.The film opens with some pillaging, burning, a massacre, and a young survivor swearing vengeance. Strange, exactly the same as in both CONAN and THE BEASTMASTER. To add insult to injury there is only ONE monster in the entire film, an underwater creature made of metal which Arnie gets to ride in the film's highlight. Negative points include an annoying kid who should have been wasted and some poor comic relief. At least the ending picks up and there's ample opportunity for shots of falling rubble and a hilarious moment where Arnie holds up a pillar using just his back - he's that strong. Sadly the rest of this is a clichéd mess, to be viewed only by fans of the sword and sorcery flicks which were so popular back in the early '80s.

The third film in the Conan trilogy...well it pretty much was wasn't it. This film is directed by Richard Fleischer who also directed 'Conan the Destroyer', the same studio, Dino De Laurentiis Company, made all three films, Sandahl Bergman was in this film and 'Conan the Barbarian' and of course Arnie starred in all three.I mean lets be honest here, Arnie plays Lord Kalidor, the character is virtually a Conan clone, I dunno why they didn't just make him Conan and be done with it. I believe Sonja comes from the Conan universe originally (I may be wrong) so why not? I'm guessing there may have been copyright issues somewhere.So its the same story again for this fantasy adventure, need I describe the plot? A small band of goodies up against an evil baddie leader and all her baddie warriors who are all holed up in an intimidating fortress. Arnie rides around in his rather unattractive red sparkly jumpsuit (changes to a black number out of the blue half way through) whilst Nielsen sports a long red mullet cut, but she's still cute.This is suppose to be the weakest of the Arnie broadsword adventures but personally I don't see it. Its no worse than the other two and gives you just as much visual sorcery. In fact there's more fantasy stuff going on here than 'CtB', giant pet spiders, giant skeleton bridges, a metallic sea monster thingy and a silly Flash Gordon style baddie wizard. This film boarders more on other films such as 'Krull' and a bit of 'Willow' in my opinion.Reasonable amounts of blood and limb chopping but not overkill. Everything looks a bit tacky later on in the film but again no worse than the other two films. Unfortunately there is an annoying kid in this film, kinda like Data from 'The Goonies' or Short Round from 'Temple of Doom' (same kid actor there), tends to give the film a more slapstick approach at times, 'Conan the Barbarian' was always the most grown up of the three.At this point I reckon Arnie was possibly getting worried he may end up typecast as a barbarian meathead in fantasy films. I can see why this was his last as all three of these films are very similar and not overly wonderful frankly. Still the musical score was always in good hands with Morricone at the helm, how did they manage that? As a kid I loved these films, nowadays the rose tinted shades can't quite save them, amusing and naff, oh and the baddie Queen is a lesbian. Oh yeah, the whole story is down to Sonja simply rejecting her advances at the start, fancy that.5/10

Gedren seeks total power, so she attacks and kills the keepers of a powerful talisman just before it is destroyed. Gedren then uses the power of the talisman in her raid of Hablac. Red Sonja, sister of the keeper, sets out with her magic sword to overthrow Gedren. The talisman's master Kalidor follows to protect her. He falls for her, but Sonja's power bases on the oath to never give herself to any man...It's not a good film, the makers are just cashing in on Schwarzenegger's success with his first few movies, that is why he is first billed and is so predominant on the one sheet.The film basically consists of Sonja and her group, stalking Schwarzenegger, a little prince who is smug, and his servant, walking from one scene to the next, occasionally having a sword fight.The villains spend the majority of the film in a candle lit room, staring at an orb, until the final battle.Oh, and there is a bit with a metal snake fish.It's boring, mundane stuff, but it has wonderful scenery, and an excellent score by Morricone.This is one of those films where you'd rather stare at the one sheet because it's more entertaining.Not very good at all.