Alone in the Dark (2005)

It is not deep, but it is fun to watch. It does have a bit more of an edge to it than other similar films.

This is one of the few movies I've ever seen where the whole audience broke into spontaneous, loud applause a third of the way in.

Although I seem to have had higher expectations than I thought, the movie is super entertaining.

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

Every movie is someone's favorite movie. That's why I don't call these reviews. They're me exploring films, trying to figure out how they happened and what they are about. How do I do that about this film without feeling like I'm kicking a limbless child?Edward Carnby (Christian Slater, Heathers) is an occult detective and the star of the video games that you may or may not have played. As a child, he was subject to some intense experiments as he grew up in an orphanage where Sister Clara raised him. As a result, he has a sixth sense and has increased strength and agility. He also used to work for Bureau 713, which protects the world from the paranormal.We learn about Bureau 713 from a long scroll in the beginning that is also read to us. It goes on way longer than it needs to. And then it goes on some more. It may still be running as you read this.He's also investigating the disappearance of the Abkani, who worshipped demons from another dimension, demons who are coming back to ours. His girlfriend Aline (Tara Reid, American Pie) is the curator of a museum which happens to have artifacts from the Abkani. There are also some paramilitary guys who are legitimately wearing paintball armor led by Commander Burke (Stephen Dorff, Blade).The writer of the film, Blair Erickson, summed up the changes Uwe Boll made to the script: "Thankfully Dr. Boll was able to hire his loyal team of hacks to crank out something much better than our crappy story and add in all sorts of terrifying horror movie essentials like opening gateways to alternate dimensions, bimbo blonde archaeologists, sex scenes, mad scientists, slimy dog monsters, special army forces designed to battle slimy CG dog monsters, Tara Reid, Matrix slow-motion gun battles, and car chases. Oh yeah, and a ten-minute opening backstory scroll read aloud to the illiterate audience, the only people able to successfully miss all the negative reviews. I mean hell, Boll knows that's where the real scares lie." Yes, the bad guys look like aliens and basically tear everyone to pieces, other than Slater and Reid. That is -- if you get that far. This is a film packed with continuity gaffes, appearances by camera people and even Reid being unable to say the word Newfoundland. For a film set in California, Canadian signage appears throughout. When Agent Cheung's dead body is found, she visibly moves before the scene ends. And perhaps most amazingly, the creatures in the film? Their main weakness is light. Yet they show up in broad daylight to attack the two main characters at the end of the film.I know Uwe Boll likes to punch critics, but I can handle it. Seriously, if you love a video game, there's the worry that this man has made a movie of it. I'd do an entire week of his films on this site, but I don't even know if I have that kind of guts.

I guess I didn't hate this as much as "House Of The Dead". Then again, that might only be because I was a huge fan of the HOTD games and knew literally nothing about these games. So anyway, this movie features Xenomorphs attacking people. No, really. These things are literally called Xenos or Zenos or whatever, I don't care. The plot features these kids who had worms put in their bodies that would control their minds when they became adults. At least it isn't worse than it sounds. There's one scene where we see a guy having the worm put into his body. If you can do that, why even raise kids in an orphanage? The movie stars Christian Slater and one of the minor characters is played by Jesse Ventura. Figures he would fight someone named Christian. I guess worms controlling people's bodies is right up there with Ventura's conspiracy theories. Glad to see him die. There is a villain who injects himself with monster blood to keep him alive or something. He appears near the end and just dies. His character was completely pointless like pretty much everything else in this movie.There's even a scene where a woman dies and you can actually see her actress lift her head off the ground! I didn't even notice another scene where a woman dies and the shot fired didn't even touch her! It's pretty easy to assume that the CGI is horrible. That's too bad even for video games. We see more awful slow motion shots and bad angles which I got used to since "House Of The Dead". Of course Uwe Boll repeats the same stupid mistakes in his films. Why are there an endless number of awful video game movies? Pray for me, people. Pray for me. 1/2*

The best parts of this film is 5 or so minutes in the fight across town and the end credit music.There.TL:DRReid is there for target audience eye candy and Dorff and Christian Whats-his-fa Slater! Dorff and Slater are both forgettable (Dorff being the more watchable of the two). The supporting cast is LOL. The writing is LOL, the whole damn thing is bare LOLz, fam.In fact, go ahead. Watch it. Rather then watch excellent hyped up movies. Go watch this one. It's practically 'How Not To Do A Movie LOL' 101. Knock knock. Who's there? LOL.

I'm in no hurry to get in the boxing ring with director Uwe Boll, a man who has been known to use his pugilistic skills to silence his less favourable critics, but I have got to say that this horror/action film (apparently based on an Atari video game) is utterly diabolical—far worse than I ever expected (my opinion of Boll had been reasonably high after seeing Rampage, which was surprisingly effective).The long-winded opening narration is the first clue that this is going to stink: ancient civilisations, evil creatures from another world, a secret organisation devoted to investigation of the paranormal, and a mad scientist experimenting on orphaned children are clumsily thrown together in an attempt to establish the background to the film, but they only succeed in confusing the viewer before things have even begun. Matters are made even more incomprehensible with a prologue that occurs '22 years ago' but which segues into the present day and proceeds to introduce even more mind-bogglingly random elements to ensure that even the most astute of viewers will be completely baffled.As the film progresses, more and more nonsensical garbage is haphazardly thrown into the mix, Boll's pointless directorial stylisms making everything impossible to follow, with the occasional voice-over by Christian Slater (intended to help explain matters) only adding to the embarrassment factor. Ridiculous voice-overs aside, Slater's performance isn't all that bad, but his co-star Tara Reid is absolutely terrible and was clearly hired for her looks (yet she doesn't even have the decency to take off her bra during the obligatory sex scene!).After much frenetic shooting, a smattering of reasonably fun gore, some choice snippets of lousy dialogue ('Some doors are meant to stay shut') and lots of naff CGI creature attacks, during which Boll throws in some lousy Indiana Jones-style adventure and a scene completely ripped off from James Cameron's Aliens (the Xenos—yes the monsters ARE called that—obliterate a team of soldiers, despite the use of automated sentry guns), the film wraps up leaving the viewer none the wiser about what they have witnessed.