Darklands (1996)

Why so much hype?

If you don't like this, we can't be friends.

I like movies that are aware of what they are selling... without [any] greater aspirations than to make people laugh and that's it.

Although I seem to have had higher expectations than I thought, the movie is super entertaining.

An interesting take on the concept of getting Welsh National Film Council grant to make a film that made the Welsh look rather like COMPLETE LOONS!I had no idea to expect before watching the film, and a quick look at IMDb had me worried, especially as two of the main characters who had allegedly only just met were shagging by day 2 of the plot.The Welsh journalist has a dodgy east-end geezer accent, there are several inconsistencies in the story ("take him to room six, i will be along in a minute" - he is put in room 4).. but although kind of predictable, more than slightly cheesy, possibly quite tasteless and definitely lacking in any depth of plot; somehow a reasonably watchable sort of horror/shocker film does manage to fall out the far end.The druidy types come in subspecies of hippy druidy girls, madmax meets punk blokes, strange beardy cardigan wearing gypsies on a caravan site, steel workers, the NHS, the local police, the council... in fact, the whole town bar the mad priest appears to be plotting a sacrifice....Not much one poor reporter can do in the face of so much adversity, but he tries....

An industrial Celtic cult is recruiting people from the local steel mill and leading them in pagan sacrifice rituals - I wonder if it could have anything to do with the gypsies just outside the mill? This is an example of one of the plot drivers that this film relies on - ones that are pretty obvious from the start.However the film also has plenty of other plot twists that are revealed along the way, most of these are good but too many rely on coincidence or overlooking the facts. The whole cult-conspiracy thing is a bit unbelievable - maybe the Wickerman succeeded with a similar plot due to the island setting - here set in Wales it's not as easy to accept. But if you can overlook this then it's actually quite good.The performances are OK - Fairbrass doesn't quite bring off the fear and confusion that he should but does a reasonable leading man. Rowena King is good as the love interest Rachael, she's there to add a bit of sex to the proceedings - however that said the love scenes between her and Fairbrass are laughable, clearly neither agreed to be naked on screen and their orgasms are harder to believe than a Celtic cult sacrificing Welsh people. The other characters are mainly rent-a-Celtic-thugs or small parts - you can usually tell whose bad or good easily enough due to the performances.The plot is reasonable but regularly fails to convince - with most good films you're able to buy into it at least while you're watching it. For most of it however the twists keep your interest. When I read the comments on these pages I watched this in anticipation for the shock ending - however it's not there! You pretty much know how it's going to end 20/30 minutes before it happens. It's still an OK ending but lets not make this out to be what it isn't - a reasonable TV special that got some lottery money to become a film.

*Some SPOILERS*Oops, here's one not to rodomontade about too loudly. I saw it in four chunks over three days so I lost the plot a bit. No matter, it's a patchwork of other people's plots anyway, not least a chainsaw assault that kills the film's tenuous credibility stone dead. This sort of hokum needs a certain other worldly style to it rather than the bog standard Brit-cop TV approach we get, albeit with extra blooded lamb cutlets.Does this matter? There is a fabulous amount of bonking in it. Craig Fairbrass, playing a journalist, is attractive and charming but grates with his less than beatific vocal style. He is the man with a bonking problem. The problem being he never gets a rest from it. So priapic is he that even in the rare moments of the film where he refrains from the afore-mentioned activity, that is unconcious, someone wakes him up and forces him to do it some more. Even when he's not doing it, he's dreaming about it. What really makes you turn against the film is he doesn't appear to enjoy it, apart from the first encounter on a living room floor with a women he's barely acquainted with. In one memorable scene he is serviced by this women in the most energetic display of rumpy pumpy since 'Last Tango In Paris', only to be forced to admit that he had not reached the peak, so to speak. We, the audience, are astonished. After all that, the earth should have moved for a paraplegic. In fairness, Mr Fairbrass has a great deal on his mind, not least the fact that certain inhabitants of Wales seem to sport eyeliner until well into their sixties, and that's just the men. Also, a sinister Detective Inspector that is the bane of his life is wearing an outfit not seen since Roger De Bris's assistant in 'The Producers'. How does he get away with being dressed like that down the nick? Dark forces are certainly afoot but seeing as Mr Fairbrass is permanently horizontal without clothes, how is he going to find out? In an amazing sequence, he is forced into another energetic round of 'hows-your-father?' By a bunch of slavering pagans on a make shift altar. Goodness, this low budget film is definately worth a deferred payment deal, but is Mr Fairbrass grateful? Does the earth move for him this time? Sadly, the painful and protracted gurning he displays suggests he is experiencing a vodka enema rather than the overdue release we are expecting from him. There is a reason for all this preoccupation with procreation, not least the lack of anything else to do in Wales. However, the knowledge of this is likely to set back the careful rehabilitation, nay acceptance of paganism ventured on such shows like 'Buffy, the Vampire Slayer'.Overall, I can't see the point of this film or British films in general. Lets face it, the Americans do this sort of thing better and we'd be better suited spending time trying to sort out our NHS, which incidently gets treated with an almost uncanny documentary realism in 'Darklands'. Poor Mr Fairbrass is in hospitable after a dog bite, forcing him to be horizontal without any frenzied sexual activity for once. Goodness, how will he cope? A doctor walks in with two burly minders, squeezing a huge hypordermic and promptly attacks him. In a hilarious 'Carry On' sequence, Mr Fairbrass is chased along hospital corridors in a wheelchair, still pulling faces and looking thoroughly miserable. I'm was just thankful to see him sitting down. After all that bedroom activity he's a man that certainly needs the rest.

Horror fans, as well as drama and suspense fans will really appreciate this low budget, yet well thought-out film. Whilst containing references, in tribute, to some of the best movies made, it is still a highly original and intelligent movie, raising questions about paganism and Welsh culture. The ritual scenes are very atmospheric and beautifully shot. There are some great "jump-out-of-your-seat" moments, especially as you really start to become drawn in to this film. Some well-respected and accomplished actors featured, who also help make it more than just another low-budget horror flick. Refreshing and highly recom