The Barbarians (1987)

People are voting emotionally.

This is a must-see and one of the best documentaries - and films - of this year.

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

Brawny twin brothers Kutchek and Gore join forces to rescue their kidnapped queen Canary (a bewitching turn by the strikingly lovely and radiant Virginia Bryant) from the vile clutches of evil tyrant Kadar (veteran bad guy thesp Richard Lynch in fine wicked form) so they can restore the itinerant gypsy tribe they were adopted from to its former glory. Feisty outlaw gal Kara (a winningly spunky portrayal by the incredibly comely Eva LaRue) helps our endearingly thick-skulled musclehead heroes out.Director Ruggero Deodato, working from a blithely inane script by James R. Silke, wisely doesn't take the silly story seriously, maintains an engaging tongue-in-cheek tone throughout, keeps the enjoyably asinine plot moving along at a brisk pace, stages the sword fights with gusto, and even tosses in a few decent bits of splatter. The cast have a grand time with the campy material: Peter and David Paul make for amiable leads, Sheeba Alahani really sinks her teeth into the juicy role of formidable and treacherous sorceress China, Michael Berryman likewise has a ball as vicious lackey the Dirtmaster, and George Eastman pops up in a nifty bit as slimy arms dealer Jacko. Pino Donaggio's robust score hits the rousing spot. Gianlorenzo Battaglia's glossy cinematography and the pretty lavish production values provide an impressively polished look (the giant animatronic dragon in particular is quite gnarly). The bevy of luscious scantly clad harem girls supplies plenty of delectable eye candy. Good dumb fun.

In a mystical faraway land of swords and sorcery, two twin brothers are orphaned and adopted by a traveling caravan of weirdos. When the nefarious warlord Kadar (Lynch), in a quest for more power, attacks the traveling troupe and imprisons Queen Canary (Bryant) and enslaves the brothers in a work camp, at least some good comes out of it: a lifetime of lifting rocks has turned the two brothers into massively muscular "Barbarian Brothers". Kutchek (Peter Paul) and Gore (David Paul) want to free their beloved Queen, so, along with another newly-freed victim of the wrath of Kadar, a girl named Kara (La Rue), they go forward on their quest. Along the way they meet all kinds of crazy characters and people, not the least of which are Dirtmaster (Berryman) and Jacko (Eastman). Will they slay the dragon? Will they find the magical ruby that fits into the bellybutton of the future queen? Will they argue and make weird, animalistic noises? Find out today! Connecticut's own The Barbarian Brothers truly come out to shine (literally - they glisten) in their first major, starring role. It truly was an amazing time for the film industry and the world of video stores alike - the fact that projects like this could be made and distributed around the world would not happen today. That Cannon would put Ruggero Deodato in the director's chair, and - of all people - The Barbarian Brothers front and center is nothing short of a miracle. The result is a fairly freewheeling journey into a magical land filled with wacky costumes, crazy makeup, and oiled-up meatheads.It was the 80's, after all, and things like Dungeons and Dragons, He-Man, and the Conan The Barbarian series (he's only ONE barbarian. Here you get two for the price of one) were huge. Not to mention video games like Iron Sword (remember the Fabio cover?), Gauntlet and later Golden Axe. Even the breastplate that one of the brothers wears later in the movie is very He-Man esque. And seeing as how Lucio Fulci directed Conquest (1983), Cannon probably figured, 'okay, this sword-and-sorcery stuff is huge right now, let's get another Italian director known for his horror/gore work and have him run the show'. Deodato provides a weird/wacky vibe, and the whole thing is well-shot in typical Italian style. While Dolph Lundgren was ideal casting for Masters of the Universe (1987) - could you imagine He-Man x2? Well, imagine no longer.Fan favorite Richard Lynch was good casting as the baddie, and it's probably the only time we've ever seen him with dreadlocks. He must have impressed Deodato after working with him on Cut and Run (1985). Same goes for Michael Berryman, who also appeared in that movie two years earlier for Deodato. Berryman is always cool to see, and he makes some great faces, and has some impressive headgear. Same thing for George Eastman, we always enjoy when he pops up when you're not expecting him to, which happens fairly often. Eva La Rue makes a cute companion to the Barbarians on their quest, and there are some lesser characters with notable features such as a guy who can only be described as "Pee Wee Amidala" (you'll know him when you see him) and a baddie who looks a lot like Bane. Interestingly, in this "origin story" for the Barbarian Brothers, they actually take the time to explain WHY they're so huge, which you don't often see for other meatheads. The brothers themselves have a silly kind of chemistry which has helped earn them a fan following.The movie fluctuates between childish fun and more adult themes, so it's hard to tell exactly who this was aimed for. Perhaps the ideal audience is immature young men like us. Featuring an uncredited song with the lyrics "Your ruby dreams taste so sweet", The Barbarians remains a lightweight 80's Barbaric good time.

What makes The Barbarians awesome? I don't know where to begin. Perhaps one need look no further than the cast list. Look at those names! Gore! Canary! Dirtmaster! Fat Woman! Ghedo - Strongman! If those names alone don't make you want to see this movie, then you should just stick a finger down your throat in the hopes that you can purge yourself of whatever vile substance it is that prevents you from being awesome. This movie is frankly so soaking wet with kickassery, that I want to describe every bit of it. Instead I'll give a summary of the opening action sequence. An utterly synthtastic soundtrack chimes and this is where the film dares you not to conjure the image of a hair metal band on horseback with each master wearing neon spandex and brandishing swords of steel. The narrator tells us that this is an age in which man, woman and child are ruled by the sword! He says that this is a world of savage splendor. One imagines a time when upon delivering a newborn baby, the doctor would cut the umbilical chord with a battle ax. We see just how savage this world is when a traveling band of entertainers are set upon by jealous brutes, intent on expressing their intolerance for fruity circus folk. But these barbaric bullies are in for a rude awakening. It turns out that this is a time when theater geeks fight back. One after the other, the fiendish foes go down as they learn they are no match for the likes of the fire-breather and some Pee-Wee-Herman-looking guy who throws an explosive crystal ball. They even pull out an awesome crossbow that fires some kind of horse-tripper. And it does just that. I could go on, but I'm about to have a glorious orgasm simply from recalling the awesomeness. Anyway, you can watch the whole thing on youtube.

I can remember watching this for the first time, when I was 9 years old. I wanted to be one of the "barbarian brothers". This movie is still great. One original aspect was that the fight scenes where very short. Implying that the "barbarian brothers" where so good that they finished there enemies off quickly! Plus, you have chases, a cage fight, a dragon, and yes even a bar brawl! Yes, the acting is bad so that's why it's not a ten, also the story line has received a lot of criticism. I think it is quite original. Not to many movies in it's genre have the same original story lines, or colorful dialogue. I definitely recommend this film.