Laser Mission (1990)

Pretty Good

Expected more

Crappy film

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

There are bad films, there are really bad films, and then there's LASER MISSION. Okay, so maybe LASER MISSION isn't quite as bad as all that – the fact that it's unintentionally funny all the way through means that it's got a surprisingly high level of entertainment – but it certainly marks the nadir of Brandon Lee's brief career. It's an amateur night offering, shot on the cheap and with awful editing on what looks like the lowest grade film stock imaginable. This so-called "movie" was the result of a collaboration between the USA and Germany, and add location shooting in South Africa to the international brew. You may think that the resultant wealth of input would have led to a halfway decent film, but it's a case of "too many crooks spoil the broth" in this instance.The title makes it sound like some sci-fi STAR WARS rip-off but in fact this is a run-of-the-mill spy thriller, with Brandon Lee's mercenary hero (who has his own theme tune in the form of 'mercenary man') battling evil Germans and Russians (one of whom is named 'Colonel Kalashnikov', believe it or not) for possession of a huge diamond that looks like it's made out of glass. The film basically involves Lee being captured, escaping, shooting lots of bad guys in bloodless displays of action, and engaging in lots of car chases with clapped-out motors. Ernest Borgnine's also on hand in an extraneous role as a scientist, and it's kind of fun seeing him run round with a rifle, shooting people – reminded me of THE WILD BUNCH made some 21 years before this. But it's also kind of sad.There's no denying that Lee was an athletic actor and there's some fun to be had from watching him dropkick the bad guys. But his acting is a little flimsy here, and his attempts at comedy are pretty poor. But compared to his love interest, played by Debi Monahan, he's an Oscar winner. The dialogue between these two is groan-inducing and Monahan is the typical blonde bimbo in low cut attire, although to be fair she does take more of a role in the action than is usual. As for the villains, we have good old Werner Pochath, typecast as the villainous German as usual, and Graham Clarke as the ineffectual Russian.The story is dotted with awful 'comic relief' some of it coming from a pair of Cuban soldiers – one man, one woman – who make the worst double act I've seen in a while. There's no denying the overacting in this film. The UK DVD is amusingly rated PG, although the last time I checked, the BBFC guidelines didn't allow f-words, headbutting and back-breaking in PG rated films. Really, this film is awful. From the cheesy one-liners to the scenes which reference COMMANDO, you don't get much worse – which is why this sort of stuff is just up my street. Best of all are the numerous silly/unbelievable things going on, from our heroine crossing the desert in high heels to our hero getting shot in the stomach and shrugging off the wound! The back of the box doesn't even relate to the real plot and why title a film LASER MISSION if you're not going to put any lasers in it? Why not just call it DIAMOND MISSION or something? If you like bad movies, you're in for a treat with the ultra-poor LASER MISSION.

Today he would be 50, if still alive. Take this review as a tribute to the legacy of Brandon Lee. Lee plays as Michael Gold, who is mercenary and on a mission in Cuba, he talks with professor on beach and then bad guys shoot sleeping dart to Gold and same kind of dart to professor as well. When Gold wakes up, hes in prison cell and he is about to be executed. Dumb guards let Gold escape and that scene was really impressive, Gold alone kills 30+ guys and escapes to United States. In States, Gold is furious, because his boss didn't tell, what kind of mission it was. But still Gold agrees to save professor and his daughter. As a fake outfit, Gold once again goes to Cuba and he meets Alissa, who pretends to be professors daughter, but in the very end of this movie, shes not. I remember car chasing scene involving Gold and Alissa and Alissa is driving and she drives, like mad girl. Meanwhile Gold is shooting bad guys. It was some kind of mini van full of ammunition. Next scene I remember was in desert and Gold and Alissa are walking there and still 1 bad guy notices them and Gold goes under sand and surprises bad guy and they have small fight involving Alissa as well. Other sand scene was in destroyed building, there was guy with cross-bow and he nearly hits Gold or Alissa, duo quickly shoots guy, but he jumps off pillar and goes back, tries to use knife, but duo shoots him pretty fast. The final scene was professor being kidnapped and Alissa being tied up as well, so its Michael Gold for rescue. He first saves professor and professor knows, where mines are, Alissa was prisoner in mines, so final fight scene takes place in mines. Leader of mines kiss Alissa and when he hears gun shooting, he joins them and manages to shoot Gold in back. Then Gold goes to hole and leader goes there as well with Alissa. Gold shoots leader, but he had bullet proof vest, so in ending leader goes again and nearly shoots our heroes, but tunnels explodes and so does our leader. You thought leader was still dead? No, he is still alive, but this time Gold drives and hits leader, who also hits brick wall and doesn't move after that. Movie ends. I was surprised, how good this movie was.

Got this bomb by accident from Redbox.I got it instead of "Lincoln" no less.Decided to watch it anyway and was even more disappointed. It is total junk.Very bad acting on the part of all including the single lead with any credentials (Borgnine).The other actors, especially the female were incredibly poor and phony.Very bad special effects that are totally unbelievable.Bad sound that increases the discredited special effects.A real bad screenplay of a real bad story. It is disjointed and jumps around.Generally real bad production values.Bad photography.Yeeechh!!!!

Laser Mission finds Brandon Lee as an independent contractor who occasionally works for the CIA, kind of like a private eye on retainer. And like the private eyes of the Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe mold, he earns the enmity of the regular CIA operatives the way those detectives were hated by the regular cops.Would that Laser Mission be only approaching the quality of a Dashiell Hammett or Raymond Chandler work. What Brandon's mission is, is to get both scientist Ernest Borgnine and a big Hope Diamond like diamond out of the hands of some Russian and Cuban operatives working out of some nameless East African nation. These guys want to build the biggest laser weapon ever and start shooting down planes, missiles, anything that flies. Sad to say that times overtook Laser Mission, as it was coming out the Cold War was coming to an end. Not that this film was destined to be a classic in any event. The Russians and Cubans are some of the dumbest villains ever, you'd have to go back to the worst World War II era flag-wavers to find villains as dumb as these.Unless you like Brandon Lee's karate moves, skip this one.