Zeta One (1975)

a film so unique, intoxicating and bizarre that it not only demands another viewing, but is also forgivable as a satirical comedy where the jokes eventually take the back seat.

A great movie, one of the best of this year. There was a bit of confusion at one point in the plot, but nothing serious.

There's no way I can possibly love it entirely but I just think its ridiculously bad, but enjoyable at the same time.

All of these films share one commonality, that being a kind of emotional center that humanizes a cast of monsters.

Surely one of the most tatty, inept, and certainly most bonkers productions from a British studio since 'Fire Maidens From Outer Space' over a dozen years previously, it seems Zeta One was originally planned on a considerably more ambitious scale, only to soon run into financial trouble.John Hamilton, Tony Tenser's indispensable chronicler, reveals that construction work on the studio had still not been completed during shooting. James Robertson Justice didn't have a proper dressing room and understandably was not pleased. Not in the best of health following a stroke the year before, he made sure he was out of the mess at the first opportunity. Anyhow he's completely wrong, and not in any good way, as the sadistic Major Bourdon. They'd have done better to have cast the amazonian Nita Lorraine, the 'Angvian' failing to keep a straight face in the fight scene (and briefly memorable wielding a whip in 'Curse Of The Crimson Altar') as Zeta's adversary, or to take it to a further stage of silliness, Rita Webb, who puts in an appearance as a bus conductor with Charles Hawtrey in a scene that misses a chance to be funnier.Robin Hawdon's James Word, so called apparently so they could use a hilarious tag-line on the lines of 'His Word is our Bond' and whose main activity seems to be confined to between the sheets, only function is to attempt to make sense of what passes for the narrative. Mission impossible. One flashback confusingly ends with him in bed with one of the Angvians before switching to him in the same bed with Yutte Stensgaard, as part of the framing device. A typically inane scene toward the end sees him drive up to a field, go through a hedge and then wander around, then back to the car for some waterproofs. And that's it. Meanwhile Dawn Addams' Zeta remains a peripheral figure throughout.At least Zeta can boast Johnny Hawksworth's jazzy, driving opening score, and the costume department made delightful use of their minuscule budget on the wigs and outfits, if that is the word, of Zeta's followers: Valerie Leon, for one, can rarely have looked more alluring. Anyhow, once the deadly tedious opening sequence was out of the way, it was more fun than the laboured attempts at humour of Joe Losey's infinitely more prestigious 'swinging sixties' spoof, Modesty Blaise, which I also watched recently.

This is for the DVD: the Blu-ray has been letter boxed, and so loses half its greatest merit.The film slowly gained notoriety after I wrote an article in the lads magazine 'Loaded' in 1993,headlined 'The Worst British Film Ever?'. The question-mark was Loaded's addition. I'd videotaped it from a cable channel's late-night exploitation movies, where you could see more of TV actresses trying to break into film than TV itself would show in those days. The cable channel picked only the cheapest films it could rent, but even among that dross Zeta One was a car crash.In those days videotapes were expensive, and only mainstream films were distributed. I never expected to hear of the film again. But a cuttings agency had sent a copy of my article to Tigon, and it went on file. I'm guessing someone in marketing recognised that even the badge of worst British film ever had market value, because I saw it referred to in the sleeve notes of a Tigon DVD box set, and the film itself was in the second wave of Tigon's videotapes, about the same time as Au Pair Girls: the 'so bad it's good' culture began about that time. Tigon must have been deeply hacked-off by Zeta One, because normally you make only a passing reference to your failures. But John Hamilton's exemplary account of Tigon, 'Beasts in the Cellar' devotes nearly as much space to the film as to the company's triumphs, like 'Witchfinder General'.We don't get to choose what we are remembered for, and my memorial, and that in a very narrow circle, will be giving cult status to a piece of tosh. C'est la vie. That said, this film could replace the first three weeks of a film course in almost any discipline. It is so obvious what went wrong that you know afterwards what is right about other films.Starting with the script, what was originally filmed was full of plot holes and missing information, and as filmed ran for sixty minutes or less. It stayed on the shelves before the producer decided to add framing scenes explaining what had happened. Enter Yutte Stensgaard as a sort of nude Dr Watson ("Tell me, Holmes, how did you know that...?").Secondly, a job you've never thought of before: the production accountant. The inexperienced director spent lavishly on props and location shooting that the budget of £60,000 could not possibly justify. It is, in fairness, all on the screen: gorgeous costumes for the beautiful all-girl aliens, and the finest Finnish furniture film ever made (only one other, I think: Billion-Dollar Brain).Third, actors. If you want to treat actors like cattle, you'd better be Hitchcock. Michael Cort so wasn't Hitchcock. James Robertson Justice, the principal villain, was so angry that he refused to come back for 'fills', and someone else had to do his voice and hand giving a spy a knock-out pill, essential to the plot.Fourth, make-up: the gorgeous Valerie Leon, actress in many Carry On films, appears topless in Zeta One. I found this out only years later. Her make-up disguises her utterly without enhancing her character.Fifth,props, carpenters, lighting: that generation of British techies were wonderfully professional. Why, then did they treat the director with such contempt? The film is lit as lifelessly as a cheap ITV drama of the period. The distinctive Saarinen "Tulip" tables and chairs are replaced by hideous clunky Scandinavian furniture in one scene, and it says much for the strip-poker scene that I noticed the pedestal of one chairs still had packing dirt on it. I wrote in 'Loaded' of another scene "Their lovemaking was both intense and prolonged, so much so that they didn't notice builders had come in and installed a bathroom that wasn't there before".Actually, if you want to be a camera operator or director, do get the Blu-ray: you will see at once that the natural tendency of a camera is to focus on the centre of the action. This is why so many films don't work on disc: the re-framing from the 4:3 Academy ration most films of the era were shot in to TV-filling 16:9 loses key details, in this case much of the film's only merit, Yutte Stensgaard's beautiful bottom.Lastly, Lorna Selwyn, who is credited for Continuity in the film. This is unfair. She must have been constantly over-ridden by a director running out of time and money. Previously she'd worked for master craftsmen like Eric Sykes, on The Plank, and she continued to work for Tigon afterwards.So, a paradox: this is a rotten film, and I thoroughly recommend it.In 80 minutes or so you will gain an understanding that many skilled crafts go into making a good film. For Londoners, alas, there is another, sad, reason to cherish the film: one of the most unnecessary location shots was of Berwick Street Market, which is now being closed down so advertising and PR people can get to their coffee shops a few seconds quicker.

This has got to be one of the silliest films I have ever seen. You watch it and you have no idea what it's supposed to be!Here comes an agent into a flat, complete with 1969 all-the-rage white plastic furniture and pod chair. He produces an automatic. This must be an agent film... But wait, he falls down in the kitchen and loses half of his stick-on moustache, so OK, it must be a slapstick agent comedy, but no, now he's playing strip poker with a very hot girl...Ah, there's Charles Hawtrey, acting exactly like in a Carry On film... OK, so this is, what, 'Carry On Space Amazons', er, no, it's not that either.Oh look, James Robertson Justice, what's HE doing in this cheapo movie?To give an indication of just how weird this film is, there's Dawn Adams, and instead of being 'the one in the Bond film who can't act very well', she's 'the one who is the most convincing of all the actors'. Now, get your head round THAT paradox if you can!Some other reviewer mentioned that one scene reminded him of the Avengers, and I had the same thought; there is a definite Avengers vibe at times, and then suddenly, the action and music is pure Benny Hill!No, friends, nothing makes sense in this amateur-hour production!It's not a spy-spoof, it's not a Carry On film, it's not a sci-fi movie, it's not simple sexploitation, I just don't know what to call it. Really, you have to see it for yourself!

years ago i purchased this drive in double feature from the company; sinister cinema,the 2nd film is;when women had tails(70)it also features all the drive in intermission countdowns,snack bar stuff,etc; anyway zeta one(titled love factor on this double bill)is a fun James bondish spoof from 1969,it features lots of soft core nudity,and psychedelic images.its about an amazon like race of scantily clad superwomen that must fight enemy agents and such,robin hawden(when dinosaurs ruled the earth)is a secret agent like James bond who discovers the amazon race and helps them.its no classic but its a rarity to see a film like this.its drive in fare the 2nd feature however is very silly and lowbrow.but entertaining.look for sexy Valerie Leon,the busty brunette actress from hammers;blood from the mummy's tomb(74)as one of the amazonions.i thought it was a silly but entertaining little film.i recommend it.8 out of 10.