Pirates (1986)

Good films always raise compelling questions, whether the format is fiction or documentary fact.

Ok... Let's be honest. It cannot be the best movie but is quite enjoyable. The movie has the potential to develop a great plot for future movies

It's the kind of movie you'll want to see a second time with someone who hasn't seen it yet, to remember what it was like to watch it for the first time.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

Roman Polanski is a fish out of water in this high seas mess that sinks early. Lurching between comedy and drama it never gets much of a footing as it erratically veers off course for two hours. Adrift at sea Captain Red and Jean Baptiste save their lives by crawling onto a Spanish galleon displaying poor manners and get themselves tossed in the brig. On board the ship is a gold throne that Red is determined to take ownership of once he gets the crew to mutiny. Sumptuously photographed with a lush set design Polanski stumbles through it all setting an inconsistent tone from the outset as he attempts to give it a Terry Gilliam dark humor that seems beyond his grasp. A bit of a disappointment given the suspense director made the very funny Fearless Vampire Killers in his younger days with a dark comic wit that took the Dracula theme in a totally different direction. Here he allows things to drag and his comic timing is woefully late. Matthau as Red is decent enough to deserve a better script but overall performances are heavy handed, scene after scene lacks rhythm and a slap happy music score does it no favors. Pirates is one scattered disaster of a picture. Scuttle this scow.

Back before Johnny Depp revolutionised the pirate movie with his camp ways there were the odd rum fuelled flicks such as this. Roman Polanski doing what he does best which is creating lavish productions that tend to not be overly successful at first but gain cult status.The story is naturally a typically salty one involving Walter Matthau's 'Captain Red' and his young French sidekick trying to pinch a golden throne from some fancy pant Spaniards. At the same time there is of course a love interest for the young dashing French sailor, mutinies, plenty of galleon boarding from both sides and lots of skullduggery on land and at sea. I think this film is very similar to 'The Fearless Vampire Killers' in the fact that its actually kinda dull but looks beautiful. All the pirates, especially Matthau, look as they should do, covered in dirty rag-like attire, greasy facial hair, deep tans, golden teeth...every bit the stereotypical swashbuckling sea dog. I was quite intrigued with the wooden leg Matthau's Captain has, it really looks like he has a real wooden peg leg! and this is before CGI folks, impressed. On the flip side the Spanish look perfectly rich, aristocratic, pompous, snooty and dignified in their very impressive duds. The wigs sell the whole look if you ask me, really authentic looking.I was also very impressed with Matthau's cockney English accent. He genuinely does a sterling job with it and comes across not American that's for sure. At the same time Damien Thomas as the preening perfume smelling 'Don Alfonso' is by far the stand out performance. You can truly see the disgust and contempt in his face for the wretched pirate scum, I really enjoyed his peacock-like display of regal superiority.All the characters and extras look great and are accompanied by some luscious tropical locations and some nice olde worlde period ports (real locations). Did I mention the ship yet? no? well lemme tell you, it looks awesome. Fully realised to scale with a working motor so it can sail, completely detailed from top to bottom with everything you'd expect to see on a 17th Century Spanish vessel.Yep its all visually stunning with good performances but unfortunately that's about it. There is very little of interest going on plot wise, the film is way too long and there isn't that much swashbuckling going on surprisingly. This isn't a silly fantasy flick nor is it a historically accurate flick, but it does bring a more down to earth approach to the genre. There isn't much flamboyant heroics here ladies and gentlemen, more like backstabbing with every man for himself, more genuine. No way is it as bad as suggested and I'm not sure why it didn't do better at the cinema, its a solid romp. Think along the lines of Richard Lester's Three Musketeer movies but with less comedy.6/10

I am not foolish enough to think that most GREAT stories don't have a least a little bit of fabrication and embellishment involved in creating it. That being said; some level of realism or believability certainly helps get me into a story.When it comes to pirate movies; the idea of some young pretty boy in mascara (Jack Sparrow), who could not intimidate a little old lady on the corner—let alone run a crew of cutthroats, is just a wee bit of a stretch for me. In addition to make believe monsters, and the likes, well suffice it to say, that just don't do it for me.Roman Pulaski's 1986 Pirates is perhaps one of the biggest movie flops of the 80's. A ship costing over eight million dollars was built for the film, and yet it grossed less than two million. This film was a financial and critical blunder, yet in my opinion, it was one of the decade's BEST films. Why? Perhaps if it had some ghosts, goblins, monsters, and giant sea creatures; maybe throw in several 45 minute long battle and fight scenes, with arms and heads flying, blood and gusts spewing everywhere; Maybe if Captain Red would have been some handsome, strapping, young, fellow, who in the end gets the beautiful girl, who is far above his station; And if Disney would have had their name attached to it; Then perhaps this film would have been a so-called success.But this is not that kind of movie. This is a movie that has grit and charm. It is a movie that does an excellent job balancing our all too often, inaccurate, romantic visions of eighteenth century pirates, with a realism in both language and mannerisms, along with a genuine attitude and presence. The characters are real, complete, and believable. The script is creative, intelligent and authentic. The acting is nothing short of amazing; starting with Walter Mathau's who IS Captain Thomas Bartholomew Red, and continuing with The Frog, Lieutenant Don Alfonso de la Torré, Boomako, the Surgeon, Padre, and the list goes on and on.Not what I would necessarily call a comedy, the entire film is laced with witty humor. I do not recall bursting aloud so much, as wearing a constant grin through-out, and chuckling time and time again.The music is inspiring, and the cinema photography is breathtaking.This movie takes you on a fun and exciting adventure, and it is not until the credits roll that you realize this was only a movie, and you were never really there.

What is it about famous directors and pirate movies? Spielberg famously completed "Hook" while he took a break from directing "Schindler's List" and the great Roman Polanski gives us "Pirates". I'd love to know what was on his mind at the time - what was he thinking about because clearly something was occupying his thoughts. This is muddled, poorly cast and way too dull to be a proper pirate movie.Walter Matthau is roped in to play Captain Red, a scurvy sea-dog with an occasional East London accent (it changes from time to time, for some reason) and a French companion called Frog (Cris Campion). Together, they drift on the high seas starving and thirsty until they are fortunate enough to come across a Spanish galleon, led by the villainous Don Alfonso de la Torré (Damien Thomas). After leading the crew on a mutiny, Captain Red believes his luck may be about to change for the better. But the Spanish have other ideas...Before I start to list the things I don't like about "Pirates" (and it is a list, sadly), I have to say that the costumes look fantastic. Couldn't fault those at all. Captain Red looks like a real pirate (pegleg and all) while the Spanish are all decked out like the foppish dandies that they are, curled wigs and thin moustaches. Top notch. The ship that forms the basis of the power struggle, the Neptune, also looks incredible. Having spent a fair amount of time on a replica ship of a similar nature, I feel that the Neptune is a fine vessel and looks perfectly at home on screen. Sadly, the same amount of effort was not given to the story or direction. Polanski seems to have had an off-day here, for whatever reason, as the film takes ages to hit its stride and when it does, you are far too bored to care. This is also a major problem with the casting. All the Spanish characters speak in perfect Queen's English, a mismatch not exactly helped when they look like courtiers in the court of Charles I.Only Matthau seems to have any interest in the thing, growling and hobbling his way through the picture while almost everyone else looks as blank as a sheet of printer paper. Campion's French accent is barely noticeable and the strange black guy in the brig (I think he was a chef but I can't remember his name or the actor who played him) had the word "quota" stamped all over him. This wouldn't be so bad if he served any purpose but he doesn't. As the film progresses, it turns into a sort of "Carry On Walking Up The Plank" with terrible cross-dressing, farcical fight scenes and yo-ho-hoeing for all they are worth. Pirates of the Caribbean was more realistic than this and I'm talking about the Disney ride! In short, it does nothing to further anyone's career and is probably ideal if you're having trouble sleeping. Unless you must watch every Polanski film ever made or you fancy the frankly bizarre sight of Michael Elphick trying to sound Spanish, there isn't much to recommend here.