Blood Ranch (2006)

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

It’s not bad or unwatchable but despite the amplitude of the spectacle, the end result is underwhelming.

It is neither dumb nor smart enough to be fun, and spends way too much time with its boring human characters.

Actress is magnificent and exudes a hypnotic screen presence in this affecting drama.

I have no idea how an awful movie like "Blood Ranch" ended up in my collection, in fact… It's the kind of imbecilic and terrible amateurish nonsense that I don't want to waste time and money on, because you just know in advance that it's made by over-enthusiast but totally untalented people. These people, like director Corbin Timbrook, desperately want to imitate their favorite role-model director, like Rob Zombie or Eli Roth, but they simply don't have the required budget or inspiration to deliver a half-decent film. The picture stills on the back of the DVD-cover promise extreme bloodshed, mayhem and half- naked luscious girls, but all it delivers is sheer boredom and pitiable attempts at black comedy. A quintet of uninteresting young people – two couples and a random hitch-hiker – is on their way to the Burning Man music festival, but naturally they have to take a detour due to road works and quickly run into trouble. They pick up a petrified wounded girl that is on the run for a vicious black van, and so they also become the prey of a family of disturbed retards. The screenplay and especially the dialogs appear to be written by a collective of kindergarten students and there isn't even that much violence or brutality on screen. The hand-held camera-work is insufferable, but not as much as the acting performances.

Please, shoot me before I get roped in to watching another movie as bad as this. I thought that with all of the 10 ratings that it would get good at some point. I was wrong. "Spider" with his Dollar store clearance wig throughout, a transgender little person, a human dart board. I know you're wondering how a movie can miss with these elements. The plot was nonexistent, the southern accents were annoying and the premise that there are a bunch of degenerate guys just waiting for someone to stumble onto their little patch of land just don't make for a movie worth watching. I have to give them credit for not showing a bunch of gratuitous naked females. I just don't know why perfectly good actors would think that this was a movie worth making unless they were just trying to see how many people could be punked into watching it. It was a complete waste of time.

I give this movie a 5 because of two reasons. 1: It is the worst horror movie I've ever seen. 2: The horrible acting, camera shots, and special effects made me laugh so hard, I practically choked. If you're a fan of B-movies with such bad acting that its funny; pick this movie up. If you're looking for a horror movie; keep on looking. Since i got to fill up lines, Ill add some more reasons why this movie is a 5. At one part, a guy picks up a chainsaw and hacks off a girls arm. Blood spray was kinda cool but nothing special. The funny part was that you can tell the chainsaw was never on and that the sound was a crappy recording. Heres another moment that made me die laughing. A guys head was decapitated and placed on a plate in the foreground of the camera. Instead of watching the action in the background, I continued to watch the head blink and move throughout the scene. Talk about hilarious.

Well, well well. Where do I start. I have been a fan of horror/splatter movies my whole life. I really like when the movie takes me by surprise and makes me stop breathing. I have seen so many movies in this genre and many of the has been rather bad and tedoius, but in some way I have enjoyed then anyway. So what defines a good horror flic? The script? The camera? The actors? the number of kills? The sound? Or is it the amount of really nasty scenes? Blood Ranch has absolutely nothing of the above. Just look at the editing and camera-work in the movie. I have never seen anything so poor in my life. Take the car chase in the beginning. In one scene they are driving on a highway, and the next clip they are on a "dirtroad", and then back to the highway again. Over and over again in the same scene. Not to mention the use of same clips for different parts in the movie. The editing in whole are just a joke, my 13 year old boy edits our home filmed clips way better to be honest. Blood ranch really tries to be all that and fails miserably from the very start. The story isn't much to talk about. It's been done hundreds of times before in different versions. But it's Blood Ranch strongest part, because it's truly weird. I have so much bad things to say about this movie and I could go on and on about it. Like when (spoiler) the madman shows the girl the chopped of head they are going to have for dinner. In that scene you can clearly see the actor moving his eyelids constantly, and thats kinda strange for a chopped off head.I will end this before all this becomes a ranting of misery over this movie. My final word will be a plea that the version that I saw is NOT the finished version, and that I got ripped off buying a bad illegal screener instead of a legal release. This one will sit in my bookshelf as the all time high disappointment in my horror collection.