A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1983)

I don't have all the words right now but this film is a work of art.

Good movie but grossly overrated

A Masterpiece!

I like movies that are aware of what they are selling... without [any] greater aspirations than to make people laugh and that's it.

I knew of this film years ago. When I was about 12 a few friends and I got together and ran this. I thought it was a charming little movie. Then I did some research and found out that it was made in someone's back yard with a home movie camera, and I was even more fascinated by it. Today I look around and see all these people making their own movies with video cameras and putting them up on websites like youtube and I have to look back at A Polish Vampire in Burbank and realize that this was one of the first 'do it yourself' movies. I just found it again recently and although the movie looks a bit dated today, it certainly takes me back to a time when individual movie making wasn't that common.

A young polish vampire is taken out by his slut sister to finally penetrate a victim with his small fangs in California. A nonstop barrage of groan worthy puns, silly sight gags, and stupid little sound effects pummel the victim..umm..i mean viewer into submission. This film is simply awful, and at not even an hour and a half is STILL way too long. I found myself bored to tears. Even '80's ultra-nerd Eddie Deezen can't save this foolish film from crashing and burning. Falling to the trash heap of cinematic history. Some people may find this turd funny. I never wish to meet said people.My Grade: D- DVD Extras: Director's commentary; Mark Pirro bio; TV spots; 3 minutes of deleted scenes; 29 minute documentary; Teaser and full Trailer

If, like the female protagonist in "Polish Vampire in Burbank", you can't get enough of vampire movies, you might as well add this one to your list. But be warned, this ham and cheese fest defies simple classification, as it aims for comic horror and winds up a horrific comedy.To be sure, the simple plot has an original touch. The lead character, vampire Dupah (Mark Pirro), has yet to bite his first victim; he gets human blood from his father (Hugh O. Fields) and oversexed sister Yvonne (Marya Gant) on their nightly excursions, and drinks his allotment with a straw from a baggy. Utilizing every double entendre in the book, the film proceeds to follow Dupah's agonizing quest to lose his vampiric virginity. He laments that his fangs may be too small, he worries about his first act of penetration, and wonders if he can "go all the way". Dupah is encouraged by the skeletal chatter of his older brother Sphincter (Eddie Deezen), even though in life he hated the sight of blood, and met his demise when he couldn't outrun a sunrise, the classic curse of the vampire.There are more unique elements as well; in a flashback sequence we learn how Sphincter almost had the Holy Ghost beat into him by the Judo for Jesus Girl (Catharine Wheatley). The "Queerwolf" concept (Paul Farbman) is probably the best of the film, he was a normal man before "it" happened - but since being bitten by a queer during a full moon, he has trouble keeping his wrist straight.Eventually, Dupah jacks up the courage to bite his new girlfriend Delores Lane (Lori Sutton), and as he completes his mission, his accomplishment is heralded by the strains of the "Rocky" theme.The film, produced on a shoestring by Mark Pirro doing triple duty as actor, writer and director, suffers from poor production values, but hey, it made a half million dollars on a next to nothing budget of twenty five hundred bucks. It makes me wonder what a big budget film with today's technology could accomplish.So, was there anything actually scary about "Polish Vampire"? Well yes, there's Ernie and Misty (Steven and Bobbi Dorsch) doing a Sonny and Cher impression. One last thought, was it just me, or did the skeleton of Dupah in the film's finale look like Michael Jackson?

This movie cannot be compared to any other movie. Thanks to the USA Network, this very low budget film has been discovered, thank goodness. This movie is not sophisticated, but what it is is funny. It's the story of Dupah, the reluctant vampire as he goes out for his first kill, presented by actors with good timing. The script is pretty good. Even if you don't thin it's funny, you have to admit the idea of a "Queerwolf" is creative. There are a few failed attempts at humor, and many of the running gags get old. Still, any movie with Eddie Deezen it has to be good. It's not easy finding this movie, but if you get the opportunity to watch it, go for it. As long as you like lowbrow.