Simon Sez (1999)

The film creates a perfect balance between action and depth of basic needs, in the midst of an infertile atmosphere.

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

The film's masterful storytelling did its job. The message was clear. No need to overdo.

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

After The box office hit of Double Team(1997) Film makers thought that Dennis Rodman could do another film well. So instead of Jean Clade Van Damme and Dennis Rodman we have Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. Thats actually not as bad as it sounds.The film is about an interpol agent named Simon played by Dennis Rodman who goes on a mission to France to save a kidnapped girl named Claire played by Natalia Cigliuti along with Simon's partner Nick played by Dane Cook.This is actually not as bad as people make it out to be. It is a film that falls in to the "so bad it's good" category. Dennis Rodman Is a talented actor, The fight scenes are well done and Dane Cook can provide some humor. How ever Dane cook, While funny at times in this film has a lot of dumb jokes, The 2 Cyber-monks are really stupid, and the plot is something we have seen before. Call it a Guilty Pleasure of mine. I say check it out.Rated PG-13 For Violence And Sexuality.1hr 25min/85min.***/****

Simon Sez is one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. Its another one of those monstrosities that you have to force yourself to watch only so you can brag to your friends about how you were able to "watch the whole thing", and to see their shocked expressions after you say that. Other than that, there is no reason to force yourself through the consistent ineptness of this poor excuse for an action adventure.First off... It stars Dennis Rodman. That alone should be enough to turn most people away, but because I'm Mr. "Open To All Movies", I put in the video and watched it anyway.Since my brain has an automated trash filter and defragger (I still run on NTFS), I only remember small pieces of the film. One scene that stood out, and shouted to me like an old woman with a bad hip, was the scene where master martial artist Xin Xin Xiong and some woman (I forgot her name) were engaging in a tightly choreographed fight. But because Rodman was the "star" and didn't want to be upstaged up by his "co-stars", a way had to be found to bring him into this action. But Rodman can't fight. So their solution was to just have Rodman stomp into the scene like Frankenstein and claw, pounce, and push his way through the fight. And this didn't just happen once. It happened many times...Before I start cursing I'll just end my review here.Don't see this movie. Spare yourself the pain.

Now how about basketball players who can't act? I know basketball players "can" act - I've seen such big movies like "Kazaam" and "Space Jam" and I think those are Shaquille O'Neal and Michael Jordan at both of their best - when they are not playing, of course! (Sorry, but this may not be accurate.) Now, let us bring in Dennis Rodman. I know him as a player for the NBA!!!!! Yes, all three are very good no matter where they are - on the court, on the street, in the cinema - yes, basketball players can act! So add the three mentioned titles to your DVD collection and start a basketball players' collection today! "Simon Sez Watch 'Simon Sez!'"

Let's face it, nobody rents a movie starring Dennis Rodman expecting it to be "good". You just want some mindless, unpretentious entertainment, and on that level "Simon Sez" largely delivers. Of course, Rodman is not the first person that comes to your mind when you're thinking "action star", but thanks to the discreet (and sometimes not so discreet) use of wires, stunt doubles and rapid-fire editing, he almost pulls it off. But the show is stolen by a female martial arts expert, played by Swede Emma Sjoberg, who fights with style and confidence. Xin Xin Xiong, in the small role of the villain's No.1 henchman, also appears to be a good martial artist. What nearly ruins this film is the obnoxious, lame-brained comic relief from Dane Cook and the two monks/agents. If they had completely written off these three characters, made the villain a little less openly gay and given more screen time to the people who were actually good at serious action, this would have been a much better film. (**1/2)