The Spy Next Door (2010)

Sorry, this movie sucks

It's not great by any means, but it's a pretty good movie that didn't leave me filled with regret for investing time in it.

It's a good bad... and worth a popcorn matinée. While it's easy to lament what could have been...

One of the film's great tricks is that, for a time, you think it will go down a rabbit hole of unrealistic glorification.

Unfortunately I'm watching this drivel as I'm writing this review. I thought it best to get this out now while I can still manage to keep the bile down and not be sick all over the living room.Jackie Chan must be desperate for work or something as I can't understand why someone so established as him would sign on to star in this directionless mess. In a movie that also has the "talents" of Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez, there was no way that this was ever going to be good and despite being labelled a kids movie and a comedy, I wasn't able to even crack a smile and I reject the idea that this movie is suitable for kids. It rips off so many other movies that have been done better and the former action star or tough guy turned comedian is just no longer funny. It didn't work for Vin Diesel, The Rock, Antonio Banderas, Kurt Russel, a whole host of others and it doesn't work for Jackie Chan. Jackie is a Chinese intelligence agent working with the CIA who's planning on retiring after his latest mission. He befriends Gillian, his neighbour who's a single mother with three kids and when she has to go away to visit her father he offers to take care of the kids. All 3 kids hate him for some reason, they're all smart mouthed brats who have never been taught any manners and they set about making his life hell as he tries his best to look after them. I'm not sure why, but kids setting a trap where an adult is covered in garbage is supposed to be funny. Personally I think it just conveys the wrong message to kids that this type of thing is OK to do. So despite their efforts to send him screaming from their lives, Jackie uses his CIA technology to thwart their plans to lock him out of his own house and sneak things past him and they gradually start to respect him.Meanwhile one of the kids downloads a file from Jackie's computer thinking that it's music or a game or something. but instead it's a file leaked from a Russian Terrorist organisation that has developed a bacteria that eats oil. This kid is supposed to be tech genius and considers advanced chemistry as light reading, but can't distinguish a coded file from an mpeg for some reason.The head terrorist, who's just escaped from prison is made aware of the download and he sends his goons to Jackie's house to get it back. Naturally there's a well choreographed fight sequence with the typical Jackie Chan trick moves and throughout the movie after more fights, Jackie finally reveals to the kids that he's a spy after having a dangerous encounter at a Chinese restaurant. Jackie & co hide out at a hotel for safety, he calls Gillian who heads back to collect her kids and tells Jackie to hit the road and basically leave her alone.The bungling Russian terrorists show up again for a final showdown and just like every other time, highly trained and determined terrorists are easily overpowered by one man, 3 kids and their frightened mother. The CIA shows up at the last minute to arrest them all, Jackie and Gillian get married as the kids reveal that they now love him and want him as their new daddy and we then have the obligatory post credits montage of bloopers and failed stunts.As mentioned previously, this is just painful to watch, it isn't funny and I certainly wouldn't let my kids watch it. I know that this is marketed as a kids movie and that it's supposed to be stupid and slapstick, it not really meant to make sense, (there isn't much of a story anyway), and it's just lighthearted throwaway entertainment; but in today's world where bullying is a growing problem and the lines of discipline versus child abuse are more blurry than ever, I don't think we need any more movies marketed to children where kids are abusing their parents, abusing their carers and coming up with schemes that may appear funny on film but can be dangerous if put into practice. The Russian terrorists in this all sound like Boris & Natasha caricatures straight out of a Rocky and Bullwinkle episode. Using bad and unfunny stereotyped accents is just no longer appropriate, even for a comedy, nor is using the same tired techniques that appear in every alleged family friendly movie. You or your children won't be missing anything if you decide to not watch this poor excuse for a comedy/family film.

Oh dear, Jackie. It's fair to say that the martial arts superstar's films have been of...shall we say variable? quality ever since he made it big in America in the late '90s, but THE SPY NEXT DOOR has to be one of his worst yet. It says something when you watch a film that makes the previous middling likes of THE MEDALLION look good.THE SPY NEXT DOOR is a children's comedy that stars Jackie as an ordinary guy who just happens to be a spy. The plot sees him housesitting a trio of children, one of whom (the eldest) just happens to be one of the most obnoxious little brats I've ever seen grace a movie screen. You can just imagine the kind of lame, unoriginal and unbelievable comedy that follows on from there.Now, like most people, I follow Jackie's films for his action scenes. They're barely to be seen in THE SPY NEXT DOOR, which suffers from a definite paucity of creative energy. The few fight scenes we're treated to are silly, half hearted and utilise way too much in the way of wirework. The climactic fight scene isn't so bad, but the whole film needed to be like that to make a difference. As it stands, it's too little, too late.The cast are barely worth mentioning, not least the almost racist portrayal of the Russian villains or Amber Valletta as Jackie's utterly unsympathetic love interest (can you imagine a more unlikely couple?). As for Jackie, his glory days seem to be long in the past here, and it seems sad when one of his big "stunts" requires him to walk over a kitchen stool (and I'll swear they even used wirework for that insignificant step). Maybe I'll just go back and rewatch the ending of DRUNKEN MASTER 2 to remind myself of Jackie in his prime...

This movie got negative reviews because critics didn't take into account that it's a kids movie. There is a script...it's barely there, but what's important is that it is there.Basically it's about a Chinese spy named Bob Ho who is on loan to the CIA. He's planning to retire so he can marry his next door neighbor, Gillian, a single mother with three kids who hate Bob. When Gillian has to leave town, Bob is in charge of looking after the kids while fighting off his nemesis, a Russian named Poldark.Jackie Chan is just Jackie Chan. Comic while still providing decent fight scenes. Nothing special. Not surprisingly, Madeline Carroll did a good job as Farren, Gillian's rebellious 13-year-old stepdaughter. She did great, considering what she was given. The character of the son was extremely annoying. Just everything about him got on my nerves. And the four-year-old was adorable enough.The fight scenes are all slapstick. They're a bit over-the-top and I question the plausibility of some of them, but keep in mind that they're designed to entertain kids. And they were a bit funny.Overall, this is just your standard kids movie. Moms and dads will undoubtedly fall asleep, but little kids are going to have a blast.

This is a very silly movie, but I quite enjoyed it. Jackie Chan doesn't do the crazy dangerous stunts he used to, but his brand of comedic martial arts is still entertaining. The kids are reasonably realistic, with only one being somewhat annoying precocious. There are some nice bits, like a running joke involving a criminal's wardrobe. The story doesn't make a lot of sense, especially since the McGuffin of the film would probably be far more lucrative in cleaning up the environment than for the impractical purpose the bad guys have in mind, but this movie isn't supposed to be anything more than a cute silly movie, and I thought it succeeded in that admirably.