Diamonds of Kilimandjaro (1983)

Wonderful Movie

Such a frustrating disappointment

a film so unique, intoxicating and bizarre that it not only demands another viewing, but is also forgivable as a satirical comedy where the jokes eventually take the back seat.

The film's masterful storytelling did its job. The message was clear. No need to overdo.

Jess Franco was a busy man in 1983; directing no less than thirteen films. Even if he was directing non-stop, that still works out at more than one film per month. I can't profess to have seen all of Franco's 1983 films; in fact, I only saw this one and the truly awful Grave of the Living Dead; but on the basis of the two films, I would say that less than a month for writing, filming and producing is about right. The film largely takes place in the jungle and is effectively a remake of the classic Tarzan story, although in this case Tarzan is a woman called Diana. Well...more of a girl, actually, as actress Katja Bienert was just sixteen at the time of filming! The lead actress' age doesn't seem to have put Franco off either, as she spends most of the film topless. To the film's credit, the jungle setting is rather well used; and despite being rather dull, the film at least doesn't descent into absolute boredom in the same way that a lot of films like this one have done. The ending is rather amusing - it's like Franco got so far and realised he'd ran out of film stock so just called for a wrap...though the film does run for over ninety minutes, so perhaps it was intended to end abruptly. Anyway, this film isn't really worth seeing unless you're a die-hard Franco fan.

Jesus Franco made many bad films, and some of the worst were the ones he did with the ultra-cheapskate French outfit Eurocine. This is probably the best of the a bad lot, but it IS a chance to see Franco regular Katja Beinert in a role that might actually be legal by US standards (some of his earlier films with her probably pushed even the much more liberal Continental European age-of-consent laws to the limit). I doubt this movie will appeal too much to the "barely legal" crowd though as Bienert seems to have sprung from the womb with a body that would put any 25-year-old woman to shame, and all she really does is wander around in nothing but a ridiculously low-riding loincloth for most of the film.Biernert plays a female version of Tarzan who is adopted by a tribe of Africans along with her godfather after their plane crashes in the deep jungle. This tribe is so pathetic that they not only worship a teenage white girl as a goddess, but also make her drunken Scottish stereotype of a godfather their "Big White Chief". The one rebellious tribes-member meanwhile is about the same age as Beinert and looks like Lisa Bonet circa 1987. The "plot" begins when some mercenaries looking for the titular diamonds stumble across the barely-legal white jungle girl. They return with some of her relatives who are planning to kill her to get their hands on the inheritance of her sickly, dying mother (Lina Romay, in a highly unusual role given that it was the height of her hardcore porn career). It would have made a lot more sense to pay the mercenaries to just keep quiet, rather than to follow them into the jungle to kill the girl, but, oh well.There is much less violence than the earlier Franco/Eurocine cannibal films. The only real sex scenes come courtesy of the luscious mistress (Maria Nieto) of one of Bienert's greedy relatives, who gets so turned on after being nearly eaten by stock footage of a crocodile while skinny-dipping that she drags one of the mercenaries (Anthony Mayans) into the weeds for some afternoon delight while Biernert's character curiously watches them. Mayans, playing the most out-of-shape mercenary in cinema history, later also takes a roll in the hay with the jungle girl but off-screen (probably a good thing as there are already WAY too many shots of his flabby ass in this movie).This is not good by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a pretty harmless movie (aside from a couple sex scenes and National Geographic-style nudity, it could have gotten a PG rating in America). It has serviceable plot, occasional drama, and a setting that you can sometimes believe is NOT just a European zoo. And it's "Citizen Kane" compared to the other Franco film ("Golden Temple Amazons")it's paired up with in Shriek Show's new "Jungle Girls" box set.

I have never had such a mixed reaction to a movie that I had with Diamonds of Kilimandjaro. In all fairness, there isn't any movie buff in the world who can make an argument for why this is a good movie. There is no cinematic merit whatsoever, the editing, cinematography, and directing are all poor, and the acting and dialogue are frustrating. Some parts are so slow and drawn out that it's obvious Franco was trying to lengthen scenes to make a 90 minute movie (this could have been done in less than 80). Up against that is the doctrine that as long as there's action, the worse a movie is, the better it gets. Diamonds of Kilimandjaro treads this line closer than any other movie I've seen. It's a sex, schlock, and sleaze filled movie (the three s's to bad movies), intermixed with action, fighting, and cannibal mayhem (though there is no cannibalism; hell, they never even say if it's a cannibal tribe). I tried my hardest to hate such an obviously terrible movie, but I just couldn't. It's another wonder that everything is so insanely bad that it can make it an entertaining movie experience.A plane crashes in the African plains (I guess near Kilimanjaro, but it's never expressly stated). The pilot is killed, and the two survivors, an old man and his young relative, Diana, are incorporated into a nearby primitive tribe, who zealously guard a fortune of gems. Years later, treasure hunters Fred and Payton are searching for the legendary treasure when the tribe captures them. Just when they're about to be killed, they're saved by Diana, who is now 18 (played by the 16 year-old and insanely beautiful Katja Bienert) and is the tribe's white goddess. They do leave, but they also tell Diana's mother that they saw her lost daughter. With a group almost as strange as the group in Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, they head out to bring Diana back, and as an extra bonus, find the treasure for themselves. The "cannibals" don't like this intrusion, especially when they had just let them go. Led by a cannibal priestess (played by Aline Mess), a group of warriors systematically hunt down members of the group. Fred does find the tribe, however, when Diana rescues him (and then subsequently has sex with him). She takes him to the village and to her aging godfather. Godfather "Big White Chief" (as he's referred to) tells Fred that they must leave, but Fred doesn't want to go without Diana (or the treasure, one or the other). He sticks around too long, as the group of cannibal assassins begin to catch up with him.Again, after watching this, I really didn't know what to say or think. I watched the first ten minutes on a separate occasion and thought that it was so ridiculously bad that it wasn't worth my time, but my loyalty to this wacky genre forced me to finish it out. There are some parts that I was so bored I considered turning it off to watch it for another day, but the next minute there was sex and B-movie action covering the screen, and I was helpless but to love it. It's the type of action that a chuckle turns into a laugh as it progressively gets worse and worse. Included are random gun fights, decapitations, and people with their throats slit who had the most hilarious expressions on their dead faces. Scenes of Diana swinging from jungle vines with a Tarzan-like howl nearly had me on the floor laughing (the very sloppy editing of when she lands was equally funny). Also a note of interest (which may be the most entertaining of all) is the Franco standard of nearly pornographic sex that crops up with the lamest excuses to include it (like Mari Nieto just "deciding" to go skinny dipping in a crocodile infested lake). Though Mari Nieto is very beautiful, the main eye candy here is Katja Bienert, who at age 16 made me fall in love based on looks alone. Franco definitely exploited her young body, as she's almost completely buck naked throughout, with that hemp loincloth getting lower and lower every scene.Yes, this movie is almost perfect as bad entertaining movies go, but there are too many qualms that prevent it from being raised high above the rest. As a result, even those who love trash cinema such as myself may not enjoy it nearly as much as I did (as I've said before, I'm just a sucker for exploitation). The other Franco standard of people haplessly walking through the jungle is included here as well, and these scenes are so slow it's mind-bending as you wait for the "good" stuff to reappear. Also in this array is some stock documentary footage that's very grainy and obviously different from the rest of the movie. Some of the sets look genuine, but others look like they rented out the local arboretum instead of using the real jungle. It's a very bland movie (even some of the funny action is watered down) and is terrible as far as good cannibal films go (though it's not quite a cannibal movie). Very limited gore is present, so don't expect a bloodbath when you go to watch it. Those who have seen Tarantini's Massacre in Dinosaur Valley will probably find this unappealing, as this is no where near the league of bad that Massacre is in. Check it out if your expectations are low and your taste in movies is even lower.

Another no budget-shot which is full of the nudity of some quite plain women as well as a not-existing plot and a set decoration that seems to be taken from the botanic garden of a zoo. In other words: Ruggero Deodato´s film looks like the "Citizen Kane" of the cannibal movies, because any acting, storyline, suspense, dramatic, or even cannibalism... are totally missing in Franco´s flick! There´s some animal documentary footage brought on, but the style doesn´t fit to the rest of the film what causes some real laughable impressions! And former German sex starlet Katja Bienert is only ridiculous in the role of Tarzan-like girl Liana, her scream sounds like a drunk gorilla! Don´t be fooled, folks! Even Franco can do it better! Only for those a must-see who think they should have seen all of this director - a lot of work in view of the 176 films Franco shot!!