Hercules in the Valley of Woe (1962)

Admirable film.

Absolutely the worst movie.

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a very long time. You have to go and see this on the big screen.

It's a feast for the eyes. But what really makes this dramedy work is the acting.

A refreshing comic take on the sword and sandal era that swept Italy during the period, MACISTE AGAINST HERCULES IN THE VALE OF WOE has a thin plot which is basically an excuse to throw two 20th-century characters into an ancient period setting, giving them ample opportunity to make fun of the peplum clichés and characters we are used to seeing from the time. Once you get over the fact that this film is an out-and-out comedy that doesn't even attempt to be serious, it becomes strangely entertaining. The comedy duo of Franchi and Ingrassia (think a kind of Italian Abbot and Costello) provide lots of quick-witted humour, even if most of it is quite dated and specifically cultural these days; their stupid antics are impossible to dislike too much.At least the film has plenty going on to keep it watchable. Various characters include the obese usurper of the throne and his wicked aide, complete with a pointy-beard thing going on; lots of silky female beauties filling up the court; bronzed and oiled muscleman Hercules (as played by Frank Gordon, who is particularly wooden AND muscular) going around fighting the Minotaur and Cyclops; a blue-wigged witch by the name of Circes, who can turn men into talking pigs with a single kiss and jealous rival muscleman Maciste (genre regular Kirk Morris, doing his bit but not appearing until an hour in, and even then only used as set decoration) who has a score to settle with Herc. Then there's dwarf wrestling, human candles, and even some 'cha cha cha' dancing! The special effects are particularly poor, and the time machine itself is simply a table with two chairs and an umbrella sat on it, which disappears in a single puff of smoke! The corny animated credits set the scene well and the film's sheer wealth of plot ingredients - all achieved on an obvious low budget - make it worthwhile stuff. Only the Italians could come up with something as offbeat and weirdly-plotted as this mess of a film, and yet still make it work.

...Once you've seen it, it will be a long time before you get the taste of it out of your mouth. This film seems to have been made long after both the "Hercules" franchise and the "Machiste" franchise had run out of steam and were combined in an attempt to make just a little more money from the concepts. High adventure and epic storyline were dropped in favor of bone-headed slapstick and, seemingly, the Italian equivalent of bad Three Stooges style plotting and staging. Look, I actually like the Stooges in small doses. And this seems to be the kind of comedy film where the screenplay just throws a bunch of gags and humorous tics at the wall and hope that some of them stick. That worked for the "Hellzapoppin" comedy film from the same era, right? "Hellzapoppin" was actually quite amusing, for what it was.And I don't ask much from my "Hercules" movies, really I don't. All I ask is for some good ransacking of "Bullfinches' Mythology", a few fistfights, maybe some lion wrestling and some gratuitous posing and flexing here and there. But what we get here is a bunch of ratchet-jawed slack-wits talking non-stop at 90 miles-an-hour. There's no dynamic range to the dialog; it just comes out of the actors (especially the two comedic leads) like a fire-hose of gibberish, and none of it is in the least amusing. Comic delivery depends on pauses, timing, and vocal range; but the actors babble nonstop for 90 minutes without a change in rhythm or volume or timbre, and after a while, I just wanted to smack everyone involved. It's possible that the dialog was amusing in its original Italian, of course, but I'll never know. I don't WANT to know. What's more, the movie takes its sweet time getting to the films' title match, and then stages it with all the panache and conviction of the final two minutes of "Robot Versus The Aztec Mummy". This is a HERCULES film, for heaven's sake, there's supposed to be some cool muscle flexing and beat-downs and feats of strength that awe the viewer, but what we get looks like 10 year old aping their heroes at Muscle Beach. Especially pathetic is the way the film introduces and frames the lesser known "Maciste". I saw this same actor (Kirk Morris) play the "Maciste" role in an earlier film, "Colossus and The Headhunters", and he came across as a vibrant, solid action hero. Here, he looks and acts like an over-muscled Ken doll. This is easily one of the 10 worst movies - or at least one of the 10 most irritating movies - that I've ever seen. The only reason it isn't number 1 in that category is that it obviously isn't meant to be taken seriously. That would be OK - if it were actually, you know, funny.Yecch.