The Woods Have Eyes (2007)

To me, this movie is perfection.

This is a coming of age storyline that you've seen in one form or another for decades. It takes a truly unique voice to make yet another one worth watching.

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

I won't get too far into this movie because others have. I will say that it seems that most people hate this movie because it is a cheap movie, cheap actors, cheap special effects (although some were pulled off well), and a cheap, overused plot. The movie was not bad considering it was a shot on DV movie made for a fraction of a movie like Saw (III - VII) and it did not suck as bad as those films. I am sure people went in expecting a Hollywood 11 million dollar movie. The movie's plot is simple: six kids get lost in Central Florida woods where they are hunted by a wood family after the half-wit brother kills their friend, and they witness it. Of course they are stranded far away from law enforcement and any way to get a hold of the authorities. Even though it's a tired plot, I think the movie was put together and carried out well. One thing that caught my attention was that two cast member's names were almost definitely inspired by Manson Family members Cappy Gilles (Cappy) and Clem Grogan (Clem). I found that interesting. All in all, the movie does still deliver a nice atmosphere, especially if you are from Central Florida as I am. Central Florida woods deliver a look and feel that no other place can deliver. If you are expecting a masterpiece, this will suck. If you are expecting a cheap shot on DV movie, you may like it.

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A group of wholly insufferable city kids decide to go hiking in a remote woodland area that's the residential place of legendary local vicious redneck patriarch Cappy (atrociously overplayed with growly gusto by the burly John Kyle). Of course, the dumb kids discover that stories about Cappy being one nasty and lethal cuss are all too true. Of course, Cappy and his equally brutish two sons -- dim-witted hulk Clem (a hilariously broad portrayal by Adam Dunnells) and ferocious behemoth Luke (muscular hulk Michael Christeas) -- hunt the kids as if they were animals. And, of course, the kids tap into their latent killer survivalist abilities and fight back. Yes, this flick is really bad and idiotic, but still quite enjoyable in its very jaw-dropping crumminess. Limply directed by Anthony Indelicato (who also co-wrote the clichéd by-the-numbers script), with no tension or momentum to speak of, plenty of gut-busting unintentional guffaws (the hillbillies communicate with each other by making bird calls!), fuzzy digital cinematography by Valentina Caniglia, lousy acting from a lame no-name cast, cheesy gore f/x (which include an especially laughable and unconvincing decapitation), a dreadful "it was just a dream" cop-out ending, and an annoying monotonous score by William Enrico and Vincent Rongone, this baby possesses all the right wrong stuff to quality as a real four star stinkeroonie. The actors playing the kids are uniformly hateful and repellent in their teeth-grating obnoxiousness: Joseph Anthony as irritable hothead Carmine, Michael Bolten as the wimpy Ernie, Cody Greer as whiny, tubby slug Tommy, A.J. Diaferio as the jerky Michael, and Garrett Harrison as the mean Joe all display the charm and appeal of your basic dirty and disgusting wharf rat. As a nice added bonus, we even get three hot babes baring their beautiful bodies in the obligatory gratuitous group shower scene. A total crappy hoot.

Just when I thought a flick could not get worse, I find this toilet stuffer. I suppose this was low budget, but the acting, if you call it that, could have been done better by an average group of juvenile school drop outs.In any event, I suppose, if you watch this as a comedy, it is good to feature on your plasma as you converse with friends or do other things, peeking at the screen when you reach a very dull moment. I do mean, a very dull moment.The woods are not scary, they look more like an RV park. The actors are horrible so, what can I say? If you have nothing better to do watch this movie as you sleep. You won't really be missing much of a show.

This film is riddled with totally foolish dialog, camera shots and terrible sound fx (when there even were sound fx).I think whomever wrote this script should have looked up some facts before making the characters spurt foolish statements such as "Birds don't sing at night!" after hearing the hillbillies do a LOON call. I live in Canada and I can tell you they most certainly do call at night! Anyhoo...Bad acting by 95% of the cast, terrible sound fx, lame plot line (if you could even say it had a plot) and all around foolishness makes this movie a trash bag companion for sure!