Albino Farm (2009)

Wow, this is a REALLY bad movie!

Memorable, crazy movie

Excellent but underrated film

A story that's too fascinating to pass by...

Okay boys and girls I want you to fill in the blanks: Group of college students go out to Albino Farm where terrible things are said to have happened to see what the real deal is. What they get there "blank" happens. If you said terrible things you get a point. If you said terrible things to the audience you get five points and a lollipop. You've been there, you've done that and this is yet another film about crazies on the loose in the wilds somewhere. Its a not bad as such but its so incredibly by the numbers you'll be wondering why you're watching it when there are so many better variations out there. If I were you I'd skip it and find something else to watch.

I must admit, I love hillbilly, mutant, backwoods, "kill all the outsiders because they're stupid and deserve it" genre fare. Love it. Love it from the bottom of my mud encrusted Christian Louboutin's to the top of my John Deer Tractor cap. From "The Hills Have Eyes" to "Deliverance" to "Wrong Turn", nothing better (or more American) than a bunch o' city slickers going' places they shouldn't, poking' their noses around and getting' said noses eaten off. It's the best. And "Albino Farm" is another worthy addition in to the white-trash, blood-splattered, inbred-killer horror film lexicon. From the beginning of the story, you are sucked in by wispy, almost dream-like shots circa the 1950's of 2 young boys on their bikes (baseball cards in spokes!)as they peddle through an All-American ma, pa, and apple pie town, turn the corner and head out deep into the neighboring woods. There, we get our first glimpse of the namesake "Albino Farm" and an effective horrific tease of its mysterious legend. Without giving away too much, the film then bounces to modern day where a group of university students, on a mid-term assignment exploring local legends and the roots of myths, are forced off the road by a roadkill-scraping dwarf obviously bent on bringing home some vittles to the kin-folk. A flat tire forces our heroes deeper off the beaten path where they encounter local after disturbingly creepy local – leading them deeper in to the mystery of the farm and finally to the farm itself. As you can see from the premise, there is some unique stuff, counterbalanced with the typical genre doing's we've seen time and time again. And while at times the pacing of the film could be tightened up and there are moments when you can see what's gonna happen next from a Wal-mart-Super-Center-mile-away, there are moments of fresh, exciting and truly invigorating horror to be had… can anyone say (SPOILER!!!), Grandma-church-lady breastfeeding a deformed baby??? Gross, yes! But also super-weird and ridiculously wonderful! While, for the most part, "Albino Farm" is low-budget fare, the effects (by IMP Creations) are realistic, the acting pretty darn good and the story enough to keep one engaged to the bitter (and shockingly surprising and non-clichéd!) end. Chris Jericho (of WWE wrestling fame) and Richard Christy (of the Howard Stern Show "let me put my private part on Sal the Stockbrokers face" fame) turn in inspired performances. But the main four college friends played by Sunkrish Bala, Tammin Sursok, Alicia Lagano and Nick Richey deserve the most credit. They take typical dialog, make it their own and actually make you care (and even like!) these characters. Oh, and Bianca Barnett, who played the oversexed but "careful if you shun me because hell hath no furry like a Pig-Bitch scorned", was hot, hot, HOT!! Makes this girl wanna give up on the non-mutated dating pool and switch to pork, the other white meat for' sure! Definitely fun for Halloween and while it isn't the best of all time, if nothing else, the girls are hot, the blood flows well and there's even a laugh or two in the right place. I give it a mutated, over-sized, deformed, unwashed, Stuckey's, hillbilly thumbs-up. Let's hope there's a sequel as I'm ready to go back in the farm anytime! Ewww-wee, squeal like a pig, girl!!!!!

Take four teens. Put them in a desolate area out in the sticks. Destroy their means of transportation. And then unleash the killer hillbillies! This same exact formula has been used time and time again for such films as THE T EXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, THE HILLS HAVE EYES, WRONG TURN, CANNIBAL DETOUR, THE UNDERTOW, BLOOD SALVAGE and countless others. ALBINO FARM is the newest addition to the subgenre and sticks pretty closely to the expected formula. In other words, if you're already well versed in these kind of films, you've probably already seen bits and pieces of this one elsewhere. On the plus side, it's actually fairly well made. Though the budget isn't astronomical and the concept isn't exactly fresh, the filmmakers at least put together a competent film. The actors are all decent, the mutant makeup designs are good and they chose a good shooting location in one of those old looking towns in the deep south (around Springfield, Missouri).Stacey (Tammin Sursok), Sanjay (Sunkrish Bala), Melody (Alicia Lagano) and Brian (Nick Richey) are out on a road trip doing some kind of history class assignment. They encounter a dwarf using a spatula to scrape a smashed animal up off the road (yum!) and then a blind gas station attendant (Duane Whitaker) who tells them to read Leviticus 21:16 (hint, hint) before stumbling into a small town called Shiloh around dark. While there they discover that all of the townspeople are afflicted with either a deformity (hairlips, conjoined fingers, etc.) or a handicap (some are are blind, deaf and mute). They also learn about a local legend centering around a place on the outskirts of town called Albino Farm. The four naturally make the unwise decision of checking the place out and end up running into a batch of murderous mutants.Kevin Spirtas (from Craven's awful HILLS HAVE EYES sequel) plays a tent revival preacher and wrestler Chris Jericho (who really isn't too bad in his minor role) plays a hick who makes one of the girls flash her breasts for a ride. Some of the action takes place in a cave, the ending is surprisingly effective and every once in awhile there's an bizarre moment that catches you off guard, such as an elderly lady breast feeding a mutant baby or a pig-faced mutant woman in cut off shorts who does a strip tease before ripping out a guy's teeth with a hook. There's some shoddy CGI and annoying wobbly camera-work present, but thankfully it's not overused. Could have been worse; worth a look.

I don't understand why financiers would waste their money (not to mention time)to provide us with such inept film work. I was unfortunately sucked into this grim tale by my curiosity about he mystique and legend that surrounds the Ozark terrain.After the opening credits (which were good, thats why it gets a 2, you start noticing the shoddy camera work and FX, jeez these were bad. I in fact thought that this was in fact a parody of movies in this Genre (in the vein of Sam Raimi or even the Wayans Bros) until i realized that this was in fact horrible attempt at entertainment. The actors were absolutely atrocious, I wanted them to get slaughtered especially the white dude. Someone inviting that much trouble ought to get it. But let me tell you, you are going to have to wait for some gore, its only in the latter part (past 40min) that you will get a dose what i consider the worst CGI i have ever seen, worst than a Mark Dacascos movie. The make ups on the deformed people where so bad, you could in fact notice that they were wearing masks. MASKS, you gotta be kidding.As for Y2J, he acts better on a WWE episode than he ever will in a movie. The Rock, Cena even Kennedy have managed moderate to big budget roles, the rock has even made it his full time career, i don't understand how Y2J would pick a crappy movie like this. Don't believe the hype, believe the word.Bottom Line, on my top 10 crappolla list just behind the 5th Commandment, and in front of 10 Dead Men. Jeez Louiz