The Vineyard (1989)

This movie was so-so. It had it's moments, but wasn't the greatest.

It was OK. I don't see why everyone loves it so much. It wasn't very smart or deep or well-directed.

what a terribly boring film. I'm sorry but this is absolutely not deserving of best picture and will be forgotten quickly. Entertaining and engaging cinema? No. Nothing performances with flat faces and mistaking silence for subtlety.

Great movie. Not sure what people expected but I found it highly entertaining.

The Vineyard sees fan favourite James Hong return as one of his most loved characters Lo Pan (Big Trouble In Little China) of sorts, in his self directed horror comedy which has a number of Hong Kong stars on board as a vehicle to help kick start their career (which seems to have worked).Reminding me of the classics like Mr. Vampire, Haunted Cop Shop, and We're Going To Eat You; this great wee flick oozes that same appeal as those horror comedy HK classics of the 80's which also features an early role from Michael Wong (Beast Cops, First Option, Royal Warriors) which is comical in itself!Massive Hong Kong producer and director Gordon Chan (2000 AD, The Four Trilogy, Painted Skin) co-produces the feature for Hong, as he creeps out the visitors of his vineyard island, posing as a film producer with a great location.The plot is crazy, yet that's what gives it the same charm of the 80's HK films I love. Zombies, gore, comedy, crazy SFX all come together in this unseen, underrated little gem that entertains without you having to think too hard!

Watch as actor James Hong (who also co-wrote and co-direct) puts on a show! He steals every frame he's in, but this is because the competition is few and far between. When he isn't obsessively going off his rocker and having his face morph about, you're probably transfixed by the presence (not the acting) of playmate bunny Karen Witter. Hong's depraved character definitely is, but the scenes they mostly share are less than interesting other than the daft climatic showdown. Outside of Hong and Karl Heinz-Tuber, the majority of the performances are one-note and vacant. Dr. Elson Po is a world renowned wine grower, but he also has a dark secret with an obsession for the forbidden secrets of immortality. To stop the rapid aging process, Po feeds on the life-force of the young aspiring actresses he invites to his island. "The Vinyard" is low-rent and quite sloppy, despite the amusing unhinged mad doctor / black magic hokum. It has its moments with some ghoulish jolts, sleazy encounters and nasty monster make-up FX (zombies join the party), but it can be patchy and lackadaisical in scenes. Moments can be quite talky (numerous boring exchanges) with the silly script throwing about strange ideas, spiritual themes and linking it with Chinese mythology. At times it can be atmospheric, but its villa and vineyard setting on a secluded island is never taken full advantage of. Even throw in a dungeon with chains. "You're in a lot of danger here."

In the first 5 minutes of this film, we go through about five different genres of movie, including romance, revenge, zombie, mad science, and kung fu action. And the pace doesn't really slow down.Evil Dr. Po has been magically keeping himself alive by drinking the blood of young people, and he's James Hong to boot! Apparently Mr. Hong helped fund the picture, and that might explain why he gets to fondle and maul all of the nubile young actresses on the set. Good for him I guess.He has a staff of serial-killer kung-fu warriors (my favorite one is Black Ponytail Guy), and he's invited a bunch of useless trust fund babies to his isolated vineyard in order to drink their blood. I mean, presumably there is some ostensible reason they come, but I've seen this movie about 5 times and I have not yet figured it out.They have a party, and then start disappearing. There are loads of gratuitous scenes. Like, if Mr. Po wants to drink their blood, why does he curse one girl with the Spitting Up Spiders candy? And why does he keep his mummified-yet-alive mom in a spare room with no lock on the door? And why does he keep zombies buried in his vineyard? There seems no upside to that last one. And why does the zombie head which one girl sees vanish when she runs for help? And there's more.It's like 10 movies in one. Whatever your tastes, The Vineyard can fulfill them. I do admit that it is a little slow while we're getting used to our ostensible heroes (the trust fund babies), and I have never been less interested in a hero's backstory than I was in these losers. Dr. Po more than makes up for it, cackling like a maniac, commanding his warriors into murderous deeds, and pleading verbosely to his Mayan god (yes I know) for long life.What a film. Not to be missed.

Famous wealthy winemaker and film producer Dr. Elson Po (a deliciously hammy James Hong) has discovered a special potion and magic amulet which enables him to stay youthful and live forever. He invites seven attractive young folks to his remote island winery so he can feed on their lifeforce. Po chooses lovely aspiring actress Jezebel Fairchild (the ravishingly gorgeous Karen Witter, Playboy's March 1982 Playmate of the Month) to be his bride. Clumsily directed with a startling lack of competence by Hong and William Rice, with an incredibly dumb and trashy script by Hong, Douglas Kondo and James Marlowe which blends exotic black arts mumbo jumbo and hoary mad scientist clichés into a spectacularly ungodly brew, this entertainingly awful atrocity possesses all the right crummy stuff to qualify as a great deal of infectiously schlocky fun: we've got some tasty gratuitous nudity, a smidgen of soft-core sex, dreadful dialogue ("Castrate him!," commands Po to one of his flunkies who's caught a man who had an adulterous fling with Po's unfaithful wife), terrible acting, plenty of hot babes (Cheryl Lawson in particular is a total fox!), a plodding pace, cheesy, rubbery make-up f/x, tacky gore (a juicy decapitation and a scene with Lawson throwing up spiders are the definite gross-out highlights), badly dated thumping 80's rock songs, a bunch of groaning, lurching, rot-faced zombies, ineptly staged fight scenes, and a gloriously ludicrous conclusion. Karl Heinz-Tuber delivers a marvelously smarmy performance as a slimy effeminate talent agent. Both John Dirlam's crisp cinematography and Paul Francis Witt's shivery score are up to speed. An unjustly overlooked high camp riot.