The Witches Hammer (2006)

Let's be realistic.

Just perfect...

From my favorite movies..

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

THE WITCHES HAMMER is a really terrible British action horror indie feature, about an ass-kicking female fighter who is transformed into a super vampire and tasked with killing the members of an evil organisation intent on bringing destruction to the planet. Business as usual, in other words. Half of the film is made up of historical re-enactment material which is cheap and uninteresting while the rest features very poor fight scenes seemingly copied from the likes of BLADE and UNDERWORLD. Nobody seems to have any talent, least of all the CGI animators who do an appalling job. And just what is Stephanie Beacham, in a small role as a tarot card reader, doing here?

I'm in Iraq right now doing a job that gives plenty of time for watching movies. We also have access to plenty of pirated movies, this gem came along with 11 other movies, and this is easily the worst I've seen in a long time. I've seen a few other reviews that claim this movie doesn't take itself too seriously, but really, I think that's a cover up for the fact that its horrible. It's not tongue in cheek, the writers really thought they were improving on the movie Blade. This movie is just one notch above Vampire Assassin, which if you haven't seen, i recommend. At least that movie is so unbelievably bad that you'll laugh harder than you thought possible. This is right at that cusp of no redeeming qualities what so ever. from the bad acting, to cliché visual (ie opening credits), to the adobe premier special effects. they couldn't even get blanks for the guns, which may have to do with where the movie was filmed, but if you're going to use effects, make them close to accurate. as for the cast, it seems like they just went to a tae bo class and picked up the first not to ugly chick that walked out. Once again, like Ron Hall in Vampire Assassin, don't let stunt folk act, they can't. Also, the comment about this being a "return of old vampire movies"...no, it's not. This is exactly what all new vampire movies are about. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Blade, Underworld, they're all about some super star fighting the vampires. This is the newest vampire genre, with bad blood, fake screams, and cheesy over acting. obviously anyone who wrote a good review about this is somehow connected to the movie, or friends of the cast. But what do I care, I paid 33 cents for it. Anyway, to wrap this up, someone in their first semester of film school decided to make a movie, I give them credit because it's better than I could do. Of course I also know I can't make movies so I don't try. I do know how to watch movies though. I work 12 hour nights, 6 days a week, I've seen several thousand in the year I've been out here and this was so bad that half way through i was hoping for a mortar attack.

"The Witch's Hammer" is an enjoyable and finely entertaining action vampire film.**SPOILERS**After being violently attacked, Rebecca, (Claudia Coulter) is brought to the mysterious Project 571, a group that hunts down vampires. Told that she has been genetically modified into a vampire, she is placed into a training regimen and returns from an assignment to find that everybody at Project 571 has been slaughtered, only to be rescued by the witch Edward, (Jon Sedgwick) and taken before Madeline, (Stephanie Beacham) a witch who heads Project 572, a special project that is assigned to battle the master vampire Hugo Renoir, (Tom Dover) only with her involvement. Needing to acquire a book to defeat him, they travel around the world attempting to find it, and when they finally get a hold of it, they face opposition from his vampire hordes to get it before they can use it against him.The Good News: This here was actually pretty good and had some pretty good parts to it. The main thing is the action in the film. There's a lot of this in here, mainly from the tremendous amounts of fighting in here, both hand-to-hand and swordplay. These here are nice to see in such a horror film, making it feel rather fast-paced and really entertaining with a lot of things going on to keep the interest level high. The fist-fight at the warehouse, the brawl on the train and the entire sequence that lasted back in the older times makes the biggest impressions, although there's a lot more in here to make the film feel all the more exciting. Rather well done as well is the back-story to this one, which is new, unique and incredibly interesting. There's some changes to the history that are played with nicely, seemingly logical without being too much of a stretch that the very inclusion is something that won't offend too many. The fact that there's also a very, very fun finale to this is what gives the film it's main powers, taking a lot into consideration to make it very entertaining and leaves on a high note. From the high-scale fight scene to the revelation of a twist that comes completely out-of–the-blue is what helps it out, and there's a real sense of action and danger here which is what is there for it's big finish. The last big one is that there's some really fun creative choices at times, namely the relationship between the two loner vampires, the decision to do the back-story to that one completely in B&W and there's a big sequence early in the film that makes for some impressive choices to come along that are highly creative to make it seem like a great film. Overall, this one here is a really fun film.The Bad News: There isn't a whole lot about this one that wasn't enjoyable. The main one is that there's a real lack of funds for the film, and the low-budget look it has because of it is really problematic. There's almost nothing here that makes it feel really outlandish or grandiose, and with the plot-line given to the film, it really needs something that will really force the film out to the top-levels of the genre if only it would've had more to do whatever it had to get more bang out of this. The low-budget also handicaps the big plus, all the action and fighting by keeping the style toned down to accommodate the lower budget, and it really could've been the fact that there's nothing in here to make the special effects stand out that make it so memorable. The film really could've had a better opening as well, since this one has rather confusing origins and then wipes it away later with another story-line that makes the inclusion of the first one is a difference that will really make some confused. Otherwise, there isn't much wrong with it.The Final Verdict: One of the more enjoyable modern vampire films, with a few mild flaws that keep this one down in the genre. Worth a look for those find the particular sub-genre entertaining or have an affinity for these kinds of films, while those who aren't particularly find with the genre won't find a whole lot with it.Rated R: Violence and Graphic Language

Turned out to be a classy production with what must have been a low budget. The variety of characters is amazing, from axe-wielding dwarfs to 7ft ghouls! I enjoyed the relationship between the leads, not overly sentimental but romantic enough to keep the interest going. I also enjoyed the mix of humour (which can be very easy to get wrong, too much/not enough) which meant it didn't get too dark, nor too spoofy. It was a great step up from Eaves' other efforts, Hellbreeder and Sanitarium, in terms of storyline and production. They have a great website which is worth checking out. Can't wait for Bane, if the level of improvement continues, it should be fantastic.