The Haunted Sea (1997)

Film Perfection

The film never slows down or bores, plunging from one harrowing sequence to the next.

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a very long time. You have to go and see this on the big screen.

It is encouraging that the film ends so strongly.Otherwise, it wouldn't have been a particularly memorable film

The sea isn't *haunted*, so much as it is inhabited by an abandoned ship home to a gassy-sounding, rubbery, dinosaur-looking creature who is supposed to be the feathered, winged serpent known as Quetzacoatl. Apparently, the filmmakers didn't do their homework on that one, because its physical description, as well as the spelling of its name, are incorrect herein. Eventually, a small crew board the ship and discover a crate filled with a curiously lightweight gold statue. Several times, top-heavy Krista Allen imagines herself jiggling and bouncing topless during some sort of sacrificial offering, before the statue shock/ possesses one of their number, who turns into a fanged, belching, slobbering demon, and rips them to shreds, eventually turning into what this film calls "Queztacoatl".Lengthy tracking shots during opening credits only serve to pad out the film's brief run time, as does Krista Allen's shower scene and plentiful nude scenes (I counted three in the first fifteen minutes) . Krista has a great body, but should either stick to doing porn, or at least get better screenplays to work with. The camera jiggles almost as much as her huge rack does, which makes it difficult to figure out what little is happening on-screen.The final shot is intended to be a shock twist ending, but it only made me groan. Furthermore, it is held for such a long time that any surprise which might have been is slowly driven away by boredom.

Early clues that this movie will be a complete waste of time: Gratuitous female nudity before the opening credits are over, and wobbly cameras zooming in at screeching people to simulate predator attacks. And oh look, boobs were bared again 10 minutes into the movie.Essentially this movie is similar in plot to the recent Ghost Ship - the crew of a boat find a (haunted) abandoned ship and board it. This script is crap, however. There's something about an Aztec curse, which leads to flashbacks of sacrificial rituals, which naturally requires there to be naked women. Despite the title, this is actually a monster flick. Effects are limited here (read: a monster that looks like a puppet), as is the acting. There are a few more experienced actors, and there are the actors that need a few more years of acting school before they can take up roles like "Bystander #1".I wonder what a renowned actor like James Brolin is doing in this movie. I guess before he married money... I mean Barbra Streisand, he had to find some way of paying the bills.

"The Haunted Sea" is an incredibly bad, cheap movie, noteworthy only for its short length and gratuitous nudity. Krista Allen-Morritt's so-big-they-won't-fit-in-a-football-helmet breasts are the true stars of this "Aliens", "Q, The Winged Serpent", and "Leviathan" rip-off, as she's topless at every possible occasion, including dream sequences and a shower scene.Casting borders on the ridiculous: extraordinarily beautiful Joanna Pacula is the freighter's 2nd-in-command, and James Brolin (Barbra Streisand's paramour) is the ship's captain who uses such nautical terms as "left" and "right."Special effects are ridiculous: the monster looks like a cheap Godilla (think of "Godzookie" on the old cartoon); animated "lightning" jumps off ancient Aztec statues; the assorted killings are amateurish at best.See it only if you have nothing better to do for it's 84 minute running time.

Plot: Monster decimates ship crew, derelict found by cargo ship whose crew investigates to monster's delight. Terrible special effects, boring chase scenes, and an uninspired cast and story line sum up this ripoff of ALIEN with an Aztec twist. Special effects consist of lots of fake blood, a bad monster costume, and Krista Allen -Moritt's breasts. Monster looks like it walked straight off the set of SPECTRAMAN (old precursor to POWER RANGERS), including monster noises those TV producers would have been embarrassed to dub (they sound like someone after a bad bowl of chili). The channeling/dream scenes are particularly stupid, and the chase scenes, such as they are, are beyond boring - my vocabulary fails me at this point.Will make MST3k some day, if MST3k survives.