Velvet Smooth (1976)

Why so much hype?

Absolutely Brilliant!

There is, somehow, an interesting story here, as well as some good acting. There are also some good scenes

The movie's neither hopeful in contrived ways, nor hopeless in different contrived ways. Somehow it manages to be wonderful

What better film to mark my one thousandth IMDb review than Velvet Smooth? If you enjoy badly shot and badly acted films, look no further. If you admire horrendous poly-knit suits, hideously ugly furniture, and sets apparently designed to duplicate the worst of suburban sprawl in the midst of the inner city, this is your film. If you're looking for a worse theme song than that featured in Darktown Strutters, Velvet Smooth has you covered there, too. And let's not overlook the film's unconvincing and badly choreographed (by co-star Owen Watson) martial arts scenes--there are times when characters appear to be playing hacky-sack rather than beating up on each other. In fact, the film's sole (soul?) redeeming quality is lead actress Johnnie Hill as the titular tough gal, a private investigator hired by local thug King Lathrop to unmask some goons who have moved in on his territory. She's not much of an actress, but she's easy on the eyes, which is more than can be said for virtually everything and everybody else in Velvet Smooth.

OK, I believe an in-depth analysis is not exactly necessary for this one. Its only value is in the unintentional laughs it has to offer. The martial-arts choreography is a disgrace to the words "martial" and "arts". The girls may be sexy and smooth, but I'm sorry, a weekend's training in combat is just not enough. The stuntmen are a joke. The fights are slow, clunky, and graceless. "T.N.T Jackson" has better fight scenes than "Velvet Smooth". Peter Sellers and Burt Kwouk have better fight scenes in the "Pink Panther" films. "Benny Hill" has better fight scenes - wait, "Benny Hill" has no fight scenes, I just got carried away by all the sped-up action. Well, you get the idea anyway. I think 0.5 out of 4 stars is a fair enough grade.

Velvet Smooth (1975) plunders Cleopatra Jones territory and stars Johnnie Hill, a stick-thin fashion disaster in her lemon suit and Tamara Dobson afro wig. Martial arts was the old stand-by to warm up any old leftovers, and true to grindhouse cinema tradition, Velvet Smooth contains the lamest kung-fu scenes you'll ever witness, where the punches land twelve inches from their target. Best of all is the title song: "Velvet Smooth, you are the one... Velvet Smooth, with love or with guns... You're Velvet Smooth, with piece in hand... If fate takes your youth, I won't understand..."

This little known film is worthy of seeking out . So o.k the production values are limited and the walls move when they close doors , but don't yours ? Our heroine is the foxy detective who is trying to find out who is breaking in to a local drug tzars turf , with plot lines skipping all over the place she soon learns not to trust anyone .. why was she hired in the first place..whats the alteria motive of the gang leader. Velvet soon discovers the truth and unleashes a whole can of "whoop ass" on the hapless baddies. Its not the best but its a hell of a lot better than the worst , and our leading lady..whoa !