Adam and Eve (1983)

Please don't spend money on this.

Best movie ever!

This is a coming of age storyline that you've seen in one form or another for decades. It takes a truly unique voice to make yet another one worth watching.

A terrific literary drama and character piece that shows how the process of creating art can be seen differently by those doing it and those looking at it from the outside.

People have been making movies about The Bible for as long as people have been making movies. But nobody - and I mean nobody - has made one like this.The pitch meeting went like this. Keep in mind, like all 1980's pitch meetings, there was plenty of tasty cocaine."We want to make a movie all about Adam and Eve. You know, from the Bible. But can't we all agree that the story would be much better if it was like Blue Lagoon? And had music like Endless Love?""Yes, we can. But who will play the first man? God's most perfect earthbound creation?""Two words. Mark Gregory.""Trash from 1990: The Bronx Warriors?""Yep.""Here's all the money I have. Please, let us celebrate with a bump bigger than your fist!"Look - any movie that starts with stock footage of volcanoes to symbolize the creation of the world is going to get me excited. Throw in landscape coming out of nowhere (George Miller from Mad Maxi fame is said to have directed some of these shots, uncredited), then have Adam burst forth from an amniotic sac (which is made from a burlap sack), then mope around until he makes a female out of sand. And boom. This is the cocktail of movie-crazy that I drink like an alcoholic finally getting his hands on a bottle of cheap rotgut.The sand woman disappears when God makes it rain, leaving behind a real woman, in a scene that has nothing to do with the real scene from The Bible. This is the definition of hubris - when you think your story is a better tale than The Greatest Story Ever Told. Also: Adam and Eve are white. Also: A fake Bee Gee's song plays over the proceedings.If you wonder, am I watching a ripoff of The Blue Lagoon? Good news. You are. And you're watching one made by rip-off experts. Directors Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo made Blue Island just one year before this film.Eve swims naked while Adam tickles a baby leopard in the same way that you or I would play with a housecat. And oh yeah - here come some flamingoes!We're 12 minutes into the film - and Eve has been in it for barely three minutes - when the snake in the Garden of Eden appears. Adam appears to tell her that the tree is forbidden, but Eve protests that she's hungry. Adam gives her a plum instead. This is but the first time that a husband would try to solve a problem and mess everything up as the result. Of course, she wants the apple. Nothing is good enough until she gets the apple. Come on, man.While Adam and Eve are sleeping, a big lion comes over to them as ominous music plays. We get some day for night footage of the lion lying with them, because this is the Garden of Eden after all. A fact that is compounded with stock shots of more animals.Eve then watches some stock footage of a lion raw dogging (raw lioning?) his mate and gets all into it.Cut to a waterfall, where that pesky snake keeps offering the apple. And so the myth of women being responsible for all the wrong of the world begins. Adam gets there before she eats and he is not having it.I just want to note - there is nothing like an Italian voice doing an impression of a snake.Eve wants a more exciting life. Adam wants stuff to be exactly like it is. Man, if I had a dollar for every time I just want to sit on the couch and relax.Eve bites into the apple and they have sex, because you know, sex is forbidden and wrong.That synthesizer score? If I know my Italian movies, it means that shit is about to go wrong in a very bad way. Yes, the stock footage grows much darker and the winds pick up and it gets windy and our heroes get kicked out of the Garden.BOOM! A volcano! You screwed up now!BOOM! A flood!BOOM! Another volcano!At this point, the film depicts God's wrath as the boulder scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark! What!?!How about we follow that with an attack by a bird that looks like a cross between Rodan and the Devil that had sex with Kelly Curtis in The Sect? How about Adam and Eve hungrily devour its guts? This movie can and will deliver.Adam and Eve are then taken by a gang of humping, chattering cavepeople who are obsessed with playing with Adam's balls. He's cool with it, but Eve is not pleased by having the women touch her. Luckily, a tiger comes along and chases everyone away.Adam explores the countryside, watching green men and women bathe, while one of them kidnaps Eve. If you're wondering, "Is this movie only going to be about Eve getting kidnapped?" Yes. It is.One of the green men tears open a parakeet to remind us we're watching an Italian movie and feeds Eve the meat inside it. Two of the women of the tribe begin to paint Eve green, but the main green man prevents this. He takes Eve to a waterfall and mounts her on the shore.Adam comes upon Eve lying with her new man and he seems rather, well, Mark Gregory really doesn't do emotions all that well. He seems somewhat peeved more than angry.A hairer tribe attacks the green tribe and it's a war of the cavemen! Of course, the hairy tribe is all cannibals, so we get some of that action. And now the green man is completely washed. Why didn't they show this movie in my Confraternity of Christian Doctrine classes?After a giant battle, the green man a giant bear, perhaps the fakest of all bears, while Adam and Eve sit and watch. Adam finally steps to the green man and they battle. The first spot? The green man does a jumping hug, getting his balls all over Adam. It looks less like a battle and more like sex until the green man rises a rock above his head and attempts to smash out Adam's brains. Eve stops him and they leave hand in hand. But Eve misses Adam, so she calls to him. The green mad lets her go, which only proves that the first human was pretty much a giant loser and the cavemen who weren't divinely made were much nobler. Oh, and that bear? They cut his fur off and makes clothes out of it.That fake "Endless Love" song plays again and Adam and Eve decide that enough is enough. It's time to get nude on the bearskin and made awkward love. Seriously, this is 6th grade make out in the closet at a party level making out.Just to remind us that we're watching an Italian film, here's some B roll of an elk being eaten by cheetahs.Adam and Eve also argue a lot, as she wants to prove she can do things. Then, you know, she'll just fall down in the snow. Or eat berries and fall asleep.They then try and go through a cave, only to face off with some wolves. I remember when I was a kid, we had a Catholic school newspaper and there was a space story that was published every week. I was so excited about it until I shared it with my mother, who pointed out that whenever danger happened, the women would go clean and make dinner while the men dealt with whatever happened. That's always stayed with me as an example of poor storytelling and lazy sexism. That's pretty much this film, except whenever danger occurs, Eve cries.Our heroes then walk across a frozen landscape that really adds some production value to the film as Eve discusses her lack of faith. Eve - you've actually met God. And you have no faith? What hope do I have?The ice storm passes and our heroes become part of a tribe, learning how to trade things and get along with others. Where did all of these people come from? I've often asked that question and never been given a good answer. I consulted bible.org with the question, "Was the world populated through incest or did God create others besides Adam and Eve?" Here's what I learned: "As to incest, it was not considered a sin and was not prohibited for Adam and early man. If the race was to populate and fulfill the command of Gen. 1:28, there is little doubt that Adam's sons and daughters had to have married their own sisters and brothers if the race was to populate the earth, but due to the purity of the race as evidenced also by the long length of life, there were no adverse effects as we see happening today. Gradually, as the effects of sin took its toll on the human race, marrying one's own sister, etc., began to create hereditary problems." So there's that.And jamesbishopblog.com posits that "The Bible itself implies that God did create other people alongside and before Adam & Eve." And "Adam & Eve were not the first humans God by created, or the only humans to exist at that time." That leads me to a hypothesis. Those dudes saw this movie.That fake "Endless Love" comes back as Eve has her baby in the ocean and Adam holds up his son. Roll the credits.Umm, wow. Adam and Eve versus the Cannibals has raised more questions than answers. I don't really know who this movie is for. Biblically minded folks will be put off by its sleaze factor. People hoping for a straight up cannibal movie will be disappointed. And it never lives up to the insane promise of its title. That said, you should probably experience it, if you can find it. It's something, let me tell you that much.

Adam and Eve (1983) ** 1/2 (out of 4) God creates Adam (Mark Gregory) and then graces him with Eve (Andrea Goldman) but before long they are cast out of the Garden of Eden after Eve eats from the forbidden fruit. Soon the two are out on a crazy adventure that leads them through some dangerous places.This here was released to American video shelves as ADAM AND EVE MEET THE CANNIBALS so that there should pretty much tell you everything you need to know. This here is 100% pure Italian exploitation and it's just a downright mind-numbing movie from start to finish. It's basically a version of THE BLUE LAGOON but we've got the story of Adam and Eve to tell but I seriously doubt the filmmakers were overly familiar with the Bible! If you're wanting something to show the kiddies then this here certainly isn't that. No, this here is pure exploitation and it's downright hilarious at times. There are so many crazy things going on in this picture that it would be wrong for me to spoil all of them but if you're familiar with the genre then you already know that bad special effects don't stop them from making a movie. Just wait until you see the scene where a giant big attacks Adam and he has to fight it off. Even better is a beyond awful sequence where Eve is attacked by a bear and Adam and another man has to rescue her. The look of this bear is so crazy that you'll be wondering if someone slipped acid into your drink! As you'd expect, we've got some really lame performances and the dubbing is pretty bad as well but there's really not too much dialogue. Instead we basically just see these two lovers go from one destination to the next and of course there's always some sort of drama. And yes, there are cannibals, ape creatures and a variety of other weird things on hand. The opening creation scene of Adam was actually well-done as was Eve's birth but on the whole there's really not much of anything "good" here.Fans of bad cinema are really going to love watching this. It's certainly one of the craziest movies out there and as awful as it is, the thing always has something happening in it and it's certainly never boring. A must see for fans of Italian exploitation.

Probably the only reason this title caught your eye is that it stars Mark Gregory from 1990: The Bronx Warriors and Escape from the Bronx. This is his first film after Bronx Warriors and boy is it strange. Both directors of Adam & Eve also co-directed the Blue Lagoon rip-off "Blue Island" a year prior, and this film similarly attempts to capitalize on that as well as 1981's Quest for Fire. Although the Italians did exploit a number of genres in the early 80s, this is an extremely small sub-genre unlike the fantasy and sci-fi rip-offs that were more ubiquitous.Adam & Eve shares much of the same sensibilities as any other Italian exploitation film of that era. There's some skin, there's some sex, some (minor) gore, a fantasy setting, extremely cheap (but charming) production values.Surprisingly, this film is really not all that bad. The locations they shot the film are absolutely gorgeous which really set the film apart visually from other genre films of that era. The story of Adam & Eve (from the Bible) is well known and the plot of the film incorporates it surprisingly competently. Once cast out from the Garden, the plot involves encounters with what is best described as a tribe of cavemen and then a violent encounter with savages. Oh, there is the bear scene, and it is gloriously bad...I'm talking worse than Yor. Unfortunately the bear scene is short, but by God, if you like 80s Italian exploitation I guarantee you will never forget it.I found this little known film on Amazon Prime streaming in a very nice 16:9 print. Personally, I loved the film--but I am a MAJOR fan of Psychotronic film in general and Italian exploitation films from that era in particular. Although most viewers will find films like this laughable and worthy of mocking, I really appreciate them as akin to pulp entertainment. Only folks who share my sensibilities are likely to enjoy this movie--all others should seek out the films it rips off (Blue Lagoon & Quest for Fire).

BLUE PARADISE starts off in the beginning of time when God created Earth and the heavens. Adam, a young man born from a life-sized cocoon, spends his days yearning for a mate to share his time with. He creates a statuesque figure of a woman made with beach sand, but when rain pours onto his creation it reveals a woman underneath (!!!). Don't ask. This is of course, Eve. In a nutshell, she is tempted to eat the forbidden fruit because "she wants a change", from here on out our duo are thrust into obstacle after obstacle facing natural disasters, badly animated boulders, pteradactyls, and even a savage tribe of flesh-eating cavemen! For a film of it's type BLUE PARADISE is rather tame. There's a bit of violence here and there, but that isn't the main focus like so many of these 70s/80s Italian exploitation films. A rather wild experience it is, far ahead of it's time with good direction, tolerable acting, fantastic music, plenty of bright, colorful characters, quirky situations, and quite a bit of comedy thrown in as well - Eve nagging and complaining, the stock footage, the "boulder" scene - LOL! Worth a look for fans of the psychotronic and unusual.