The Norseman (1978)

Slow pace in the most part of the movie.

As Good As It Gets

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

The film never slows down or bores, plunging from one harrowing sequence to the next.

It stinks.Lee 'The Six Million Dollar Man' Majors. If he isn't one of the Top Ten WORST excuses for an actor in cinematic history, then somebody needs to be taken off that list so we can put Majors on it.The bionic dud shows up with a crooked mustache and a late 1970's hairstyle. He utters lines of 'period' dialogue with all the urgency of a constipated snail. Helping him stink is Cornel Wilde(!) -- what the freak is he doing in this creaky tripe? Majors employed a small band of his buddies including Denny Miller (the guy who played 'Tongo' the ape man on Gilligan's Island about a thousand years ago). The only real question here is: How did Majors arrive at the conclusion that doing this film would be a 'good idea'? Everything in this movie stinks, especially Majors, whom no doubt forgot to drink a cup of coffee each morning before filming so we could tell he was awake.

Back in the day Cornel Wilde was a guy who specialized in playing exotic roles in costume dramas and if The Norseman came out a generation ago, Wilde might have pulled off the lead. Instea he's second billed as the second in command to Viking prince Lee Majors. And Lee is not worth six million dollars as a Viking. He comes off as Nordic as Antonio Banderas.Lee's father the king played by Mel Ferrer who is totally unrecognizable in a long flowing beard went off to the unknown west where rumor hath it a guy named Leif Ericson discovered a continent. We know this is so because the film is set in 1006, six years after Leif and not Lee Majors found North America and called it Vineland.But Mel's not been heard from and his sons Lee and young Charles Pierce, Jr. went off to find him with a handpicked crew of Viking all stars. They've even got a black Viking in Deacon Jones, picked up on a raid to Africa, but whom they've brought into the fold. Of course Mel and some survivors are found and the Vikings have to deal with some soon to be called Indians in another 500 years. Fitting that Indians would be in this film because it does play like a western.Another piece of bad casting is comic actress Kathleen Freeman as the head of the women's division of the tribe. I kept waiting for something foul and/or funny to come from her mouth, but it didn't happen.A lot of overacting from some and underacting from Majors characterizes The Norseman. Beyond the age of 12 I wouldn't recommend it.

The Norseman is about as historically accurate as Abe Lincoln defeating the Nazis while riding a T-Rex. Charles B. Pierce's take on the Vikings landing on an 11th century North America casts Lee Majors as six million dollar norseman, or as he insists on pronouncing it norzeman, Thorvald who takes his crew on a perilous quest to find out why his father and his crew never returned from a far away land. If he fails will the crew make him the fall guy? Sorry couldn't resist. After landing in the Tampa/St. Pete neighborhood and mistaking it for Newfoundland (happens all the time) Thorvald and his crew of mixed bag warriors including two NFL hall of famers in Deacon Jones and Fred Biletnikoff just so happen to land in not only the same spot as the first crew but find the very Caucasian looking native Americans who imprisoned them. What luck! A startling number of these natives are overweight giving credence that maybe it wasn't wars or European diseases that wiped out the Indians rather massive heart failures. After consulting the ridiculous wizard that no one knows what his face looks like except for the fact that in every scene you can clearly see Jack Elam's googly-eyed mug, the vikings go out in search of where the natives are holding the remaining survivors. With the help of a young female squaw who's outfit is more adequate for lap dances rather than rain, Thorvald and his crew fight the massive hordes of Indians, save the old man, and high tail it back north minus a few brave souls that lost their lives thanks to the dreaded arrow to the rear end. Not surprisingly Lee Majors is about as convincing a Viking as Deacon Jones is. With his cheesy mustache and helmet that looks like an accessory for a Gothic S&M outfit, Majors' dry line-reading and lifeless performance had me rooting for the "badguys". It's amazing how advanced the Vikings pulley technology seems as they hoisted the sails for the great getaway. At this point in the film I was half hoping that they all boarded a 727 and flew home since believability went out the door as soon as Florida was mistaken for Canada. The film uses the same song over and over to the point where a Viking can't take a dump in the river without it blasting in the background. This is a hard film to find and one that rarely gets mentioned with any other of Charles B. Pierce's works. Little wonder why but nonetheless worthy of viewing if you can track this down just to see probably the most absurdly hokey Viking movie ever made.

Plastic/aluminium armour. Knight's armour on Thorvold and a LoneRanger mask, under his knights helm. Black vikings, white Native Americans...of course the largest insult is that this dreck was filmed in Florida, as evidenced by the foliage and the sugar white sand on the beach. I don't remember Vikings ever landing in Tampa, unless it was in a football game.I won't even address the little mustache worn by Mr. Majors, as compared to the full beards of his 'Viking' co-horts.This is a film you can't believe you are watching, yet won't turn off, because you can't look away.Of course the climax of the film has the 'Vikings' running through water on a sandbar...anyone watching, who is familiar with Lee Majors as the "Six Million Dollar Man" will find themselves waiting to hear the music/sound effects that accompanied 'Steve Austin' whenever he was performing his feats of strength, or running to save the day.All this film needed was BigFoot.