Miami Golem (1985)

Waste of time

It was OK. I don't see why everyone loves it so much. It wasn't very smart or deep or well-directed.

This film is so real. It treats its characters with so much care and sensitivity.

It is interesting even when nothing much happens, which is for most of its 3-hour running time. Read full review

The basic premise of "Miami Golem" most definitely deserves a spot in the top, say, fifty of most demented cinematic plots ever scripted down! I know top 50 doesn't sound too impressive, but I've seen a lot of really weird films with lunatic plots. I was prepared from something convoluted, because the film was directed and co-written by Alberto De Martino, who was one of Italy's most ambitious and creative but sadly underrated film makers. De Martino steals multiple ideas from successful blockbusters, like most Italian directors did around that time, but he always adds a lot of stuff to make it even more complex, confusing and overwhelming. Not all of De Martino's films are worthwhile, but some of them are extremely underrated, like "A Special Magnum for Tony Saitta", "Holocaust 2000" and "Formula for a Murder". The concept of "Miami Golem" contains elements from numerous great Sci-Fi and adventure flicks (like "Alien", "Starman" , "Close encounters of the Third Kind", "ET", …) but I wouldn't exactly call it a rip-off. The only thing that is really shamelessly stolen from another film is the opening synthesizer theme song that sounds almost identical to Harold Faltermeyer's Axel F. from "Beverly Hills Cop". The rest of the film is an amusing hodgepodge of fantasy, Sci-Fi, action, horror and superhero-movie gimmicks. It certainly doesn't always make sense (most of the time it doesn't, actually) but "Miami Golem" is undeniably an imaginative and multifaceted film that kept my mate and I fascinated from start to finish.The plot is extremely difficult to briefly summarize but I'll try anyway. Sceptical journalist Craig Milford is reporting the story of a German scientist who allegedly discovered extraterrestrial DNA inside a crashed meteorite and managed to clone it. The DNA cell belongs to an evil alien force that already exterminated another interstellar race in the past and it will unquestionably destroy the whole of mankind as soon as it grows large enough in size. If this isn't problematic enough already, the rich Mr. Anderson ordered to steal the slowly growing evil fetus because he thinks that he can manipulate it and use it to obtain world domination. With the help of some good aliens in an earthly disguise, Craig Milford has the difficult task of safeguarding the planet from the evil fetus. Okay, I know all this sounds grotesque and silly, but I assure that "Miami Golem" is in fact a light-headed and easy digestible flick. The first half of the film may come across as overly hectic and confusing, because Alberto De Martino attempts to keep the plot secret through the use of preposterous red herrings. There are subliminal ghostly appearances, supportive characters behaving exaggeratedly mysterious for no real reason and at a certain point there are even speculations about the lost continent of Atlantis. This is all misleading padding material, however, and as soon as the set-up is more or less clear "Miami Golem" turns into an ordinary early 80's popcorn action movie with bloody massacres, flamboyant chase sequences (in the Florida Everglades!), explosions, gratuitous sleaze and nasty little fetus-monsters in jars.Now, I really don't want to raise the impression that "Miami Golem" is a lost and undeservedly obscure gem of Italian exploitation cinema. Make no mistake, this is a pretty bad movie! The events only become endurable if you accept the stupidity and incoherence of the plot and if you don't succeed in that, well than this is just a non-stop spitfire of negative aspects. The acting performances are painfully awful. Particularly B-movie veteran John Ireland, as the archetypal James Bond villainous character, doesn't seem the least interested in the script. You can tell from his grimaces and by the way he delivers his lines that he also thinks the whole production is retarded and simply signed up for the paycheck. Laura Trotter is probably the least sexy female lust-object ever, and the person who drew the marvelously chaotic VHS cover must have felt exactly the same way, because the ravishing girl on the cover does not appear anywhere in the movie. What an embarrassment this must be for Mrs. Trotter. Still, her completely gratuitous nudity sequences compensate for this, as she's quite hot from the neck down. And, finally, there's the unforgettable scene where David Warbeck takes down a helicopter from a moving school bus with a regular pistol! I don't think even John Rambo can do this, while he's a beefcake Vietnam veteran and Warbeck's character is a simple TV-reporter.

This budget-starved Italian action/sci-fi hybrid features David Warbeck as a Miami reporter who is chosen by the ghosts of the people of Atlantis (!) to stop an evil businessman (Academy Award nominee John Ireland) from using a telepathic fetus grown using spores from an asteroid to rule the world. You got all that? Despite such a loopy plot, this is actually quite a bore and the RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS sneers at it with contempt. Honestly, the most (intentionally) creative thing about this flick is the slight reworking of Herbie Hancock's BEVERLY HILLS COP theme for the opening titles. The most unintentionally creative bit involves a scene in a lab that is inexplicably shown twice back-to-back. Perhaps director Alberto De Martino wanted to get all avant garde on us in the twilight of his career? I was going to declare this Ireland's worst film on his resume but then I saw SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS was listed on there. I would also like to safely declare that I am probably the only person in the history of the world to do a double feature of this and Hitchcock's VERTIGO.

~Spoiler~ That quote says it all. So I'm perusing the video store in search of any horror films that I have not seen. I mean ANY. So something strikes my eye: Miami Horror. Why did it strike my eye? Because it blatantly and unapologetically ripped off the Miami Vice logo. It was such a bad rip I had to pick it up. Guess who's on the cover? David Warbeck! As if I needed another reason to rent it, the director's name was Martin Herbert, an obvious pseudonym. So I know it's Italian and I know I have to see it. The first few minutes are a prelude to an awful cinematic experience. Miami Horror not only ripped off the Miami Vice logo, they ripped off the Beverly Hills Cop score, only very terribly. And the editor must have disappeared because there are two scenes (TWO!) that are shown back to back twice in a row. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If that's not enough, the acting is crap from everyone (even Warbeck), the story is completely random and boring, and the direction is amateurish at best. This is a long way from The Beyond for the late Mr. Warbeck. A shame too. There is a great scene where Warbeck takes out a helicopter with a pistol. I haven't seen something that awesome since Escape from the Bronx. And after all that, the Miami Horror turns out to be nothing more than the It's Alive baby. Avoid it. Don't be sucked in by the great cover art.

Unimpressive minor entry in the action/horror subcategory, take note that the "action" basically amounts to beat-to-hell old things which are already headed for a landfill being obliterated or set ablaze. As for the "horror" aspect...that would be a fetal baby with heavy mascara in a pickling jar(supposedly an alien of awesome destructive power). The blink of of nudity we're offered is of the leading lady, whose looks fall somewhere in the lesser end of average. In one especially hilarious and unbelievable drop-of-the-ball, there's a lengthy scene which twice-consecutively repeats itself for absolutely no reason at all. The most easily-detectable flub imaginable actually made it through the post-production stage of this floundering hunk-o'-junk, unless it happens to be a blooper specific to the particular video release I was subjected to...in any case, it's a mind-blowing gaffe.Another impotent selection from the late David Warbeck's woefully disconsonant filmography. He was a fine actor sadly choked in weak material, and his presence signifies the sole point of distinction in this irksome celebration of stupidity.3.5/10