Hercules (1983)

To me, this movie is perfection.

Memorable, crazy movie

After playing with our expectations, this turns out to be a very different sort of film.

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

In 1983 an event happened which changed the course of history. An impossible event that nobody ever thought could happen. Luigi Cozzi actually managed to make a film EVEN CHEESIER than his previous epic, 1979's STARCRASH! Proving that he had learnt nothing about film-making in the four years since, Cozzi now attempted to cash in on 1983's sword-and-sorcery boom which came in the wake of CONAN THE BARBARIAN. Carefully he gathered together all the right ingredients - a wide distributor in the form of the dreaded Cannon films, headed by the unforgettable Golan-Globus team; possibly the only muscleman ever to rival Schwarzenegger in terms of sheer bulk; a really appalling script; pretty much the same crew and effects men he used in his 1979 film; plus loads of impressive sets. The best thing that can be said about HERCULES is that visually, it stands out from the crowd. The sets are huge and the special effects - utilising the familiar back projection and matte shots - whilst not always convincing, are at least spectacular.Watching this movie, you might be forgiven for thinking you've tuned into a science fiction film instead because this is Hercules unlike ever before. The slow prologue charts the formation of the universe and goes on for an age. Then the mythic heroic character - played by dozens in the peplum films of the 1960s and best-remembered in the persona of Steve Reeves - is transported into a quasi-futuristic universe, where the gods all live on the moon and people can fly through space just like that. Instead of the traditional monsters for Hercules to fight, he finds himself up against some giant robots, stop-motion relics which look like they're left over from STARCRASH. I guess the best reason I can think of is that jerky robotic motion is a lot easier - and quicker - to create than the more traditional monsters of Harryhausen, so Cozzi saved a few bucks by swapping monsters for robots. No matter that the film doesn't make sense, as its just for uncomplaining kids anyway.Often, the film is trying to watch because it just overdoes it with the cheese. Zeus and Hera keep popping up at every minute like in CLASH OF THE TITANS to offer advice, whilst the constantly-moving, globetrotting antics quickly become tiresome. Bad scripting is complemented by bad acting, most apparent in the case of Lou Ferrigno, whose attempts at acting make him even more wooden than an early Schwarzenegger. Still, physically Ferrigno is at his peak, covered in baby oil, with every inch of muscle on his body bulging and glistening for the world to see. Although his acting is a million times worse than that of Reeves, at least his bulk is bigger.The film offers plenty of opportunity for Ferrigno to flex his bodybuilding muscles. Even as a baby he finds opportunity to strangle two slimy serpents sent to dispatch him. From a mangy bear to a flying robot, a centaur robot, and a three-headed hydra robot, Hercules spends most of the film fighting something or other. He also takes part in some cheap gladiator games headed by stern-faced Augias, played by former muscleman Brad Harris in what is only a cameo performance for name value alone - a little sad, as I was hoping Harris would get up to some of his old rock-lifting tricks. The STAR WARS influence is even apparent on this movie, with glowing swords replacing light sabers in a battle scene at the finale.Most of the female cast members spend the film half naked and displaying their ample curves, but when the actresses include the sultry Mirella D'Angelo, the sweet Ingrid Anderson, and the slightly scary Sybil Danning, there's no cause for complaint. Many familiar faces pad out the cast, most former stars now on their way out. As evil bad guy King Minos, William Berger (FIVE DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON) chews the scenery with relish but doesn't beat Joe Spinell in terms of hammy overacting. Fan favourite Bobby Rhodes (DEMONS) appears as an African king (!) but he doesn't even get out of his seat to take part in any action. Watch out for Claudio Cassinelli (ISLAND OF MUTATIONS) in the lamest white wig and beard ever, playing Zeus at far too young an age.Although the film is cheap and cheerful, it still sets out to try and portray some legendary deeds. Thus we have Hercules diverting a river to clean out the stables of Augias, crossing the River Styx with the aid of that spooky boatman, bending swords, tossing rocks, and fighting off dozens of opponents at one time. The most hilarious scene is when he kills a bear and throws the body into space, thus forming a new star constellation. Yet even this ridiculous moment is beaten by a later point in the film where he throws a log into space which smashes into another planet! Frankly hilarious stuff, and the kind of effects-laden cheese they just can't many anymore. Films nowadays have to be deadly serious or stupidly funny, and are unable to take themselves tongue-in-cheek like HERCULES. The most astonishing thing about this movie is that it was successful enough to spawn a sequel, two years later!

Luigi Cossi who brought us the rather splendid, gut exploding opus, Contamination, here delivers the tale of the mightiest man who ever lived - Hercules! Interestingly however, despite the rather splendid Greek mythology at hand, Cossi instead opts for a bizarre sci-fi themed version of events involving robot monsters and Gods in space(!) Um....anyway, moving swiftly on, our eponymous hero is played here by none other than the awesomely ripped Lou (The Hulk) Ferrigno who proceeds to show us exactly just how mighty he is by throwing a bear into space(!) and breaking sword blades mounted on chariot wheels on his manly thighs(!) Woah!!! What a man!!!!Quite rightly highly regarded in bad movie circles, this is to put it mildly, something of a bloody mess. Still, on a positive note the ladies here are all truly mouth watering to behold, including the ever sexy Sybil Danning......mmmmmmm!!!!!!!!! Hell, more than reason enough to at least have a watch me thinks.

Italian cinema had featured musclemen heroes as early as 1912's QUO VADIS (Ursus) and 1914's CABIRIA (Maciste) before making them truly their own and, by turns, seemingly invincible or buffoonish caricatures during the heyday of the peplum cycle around 1954-65. This, then, is yet a later variation clearly sparked by the recent spate of Hollywoodian mythological epics like CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981) and CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1981) but giving the old formula a new twist by sprinkling it with a dash of special effects wizardry a' la the STAR WARS saga! This shouldn't come as all that surprising when one realizes that its director is best-known for the infamous STAR WARS (1977) rip-off, STARCRASH (1979) – although, to be fair to him, he is also responsible for one of the unsung gems in the giallo canon, THE KILLER MUST KILL AGAIN (1975) and, at least, one other highly intriguing (and very rare) movie, TUNNEL UNDER THE WORLD (1969) which was also his directorial debut. Ironically, however, Cozzi only took over the assignment (from original director Bruno Mattei) when the producers were dissatisfied with the box office performance of the latter's previous film for them, THE SEVEN MAGNIFICENT GLADIATORS (1983)! Anyway, although I clearly recall watching this version of HERCULES (and its sequel; see below) on Italian TV at Christmas time in the late 1980s, the details of it all were so hazy in my mind that I virtually remembered nothing of the narrative other than that Hercules gets to do battle with several mechanical monsters and that there was a lot of footage of stars and planets and the like. Indeed, the film starts with a lengthy, potentially heretical prologue about the start of creation which, apparently, had everything to do with Zeus and the rest of the Greek gods colonizing the moon eons before the Russians did (by way of ultracheesy visual and sound effects) and nothing at all to do with…but this is not the right place to start debating the existence of God or otherwise – lest this review gets confused with another anti-THE GOLDEN COMPASS (2007) argument! TV's THE INCREDIBLE HULK and former "Mr. Universe" Lou Ferrigno certainly looks the part of the mightiest man alive but, unfortunately, can't act a lick and rarely changes his facial expression throughout the generous 100 minutes of screen time! He is abetted by a lovely Cassiopea (Ingrid Anderson – whose first and only film this was before going briefly into TV and then quitting for good!) and sultry villainess Sybil Danning and the supporting cast features a decent roster of both veteran and nascent Euro-Cult figures like ex-peplum beefcake Brad Harris, William Berger (as Hercules' No. 1 nemesis, King Minos), Claudio Cassinelli (as Zeus, Hercules' creator here – out of pure light, no less! – rather than his natural father), former Helen Of Troy Rossana Podesta' (her penultimate film, playing the rebellious deity Hera), Gianni Garko and Eva Robbins (as Berger's enigmatic scientific acolyte, with an unbelievably campy costume to match).Once one accepts the film's bizarre notion of setting the old Greek legends in outer space, this gets to be a veritable "so bad it's fun" show which possibly has few peers: an elaborately staged (relatively speaking), bloodthirsty coup d'etat early on comes to naught when the tyrant is never seen again in the rest of the movie!; Zeus's giant hand emerges from within a waterfall to catch Baby Hercules in his tiny boat inside which, however, are two snake-like creatures whom the infant soon squeezes the life right out of!; Hercules is adopted (in full-on Clark Kent fashion) by a family of simple folk and he is soon farming the fields single-handed via unwieldy contraptions but, when his putative father gets mauled by a grizzly bear, our Herculean hero gets so upset that he hurls the beast straight out into orbit and instant immortality as one of the stars in the constellation (I kid thee not)!; next up are a trio of mechanical assailants which, however, expire even before one gets to have a real good look at them (which is just as well, I guess as, otherwise, one starts to wonder why the weapon Hercules uses to dispatch one of the monsters looks suspiciously like a modern-day giant anchor)!; then Hercules tries his hand at a jousting tournament wherein he holds a dozen contestants simultaneously with their backs to the wall by means of a giant log which, once it serves its purpose in gaining him the championship title, also gets hurled into outer space!; later, Hercules sets his eyes on the veiled Cassiopeia and, to prove his worthiness, he cleans up the dilapidated stables (housing a thousand stallions we're told) with the aid of a nearby flowing river! I don't have time to go into all the other labyrinthine trials Hercules goes through before meeting up with King Minos for a hilarious confrontation with lightsabre-like swords but, in case you were wondering who was responsible for dividing Earth into the various continents, enquire no further! Oh, and he does get to ride a horseless chariot, too – by roping a rock and throwing it as far as...well, 'tis Hercules we're talking about after all! This Italian-made would-be epic – which also features a suitably rousing Pino Donaggio score – was a Cannon Group production (namely Israeli film-makers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus) and followed hot on the heels of the similar THE SEVEN MAGNIFICENT GLADIATORS (my memories of which are even more lost within my subconscious) which reunites Ferrigno, Danning and Harris from HERCULES; the latter must not have done too badly at the box office because other films of its ilk came in its wake: not just the sequel but also SWORD OF THE VALIANT (1984), THE BARBARIANS (1987), MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987) and the troubled SINBAD OF THE SEVEN SEAS (1989; also with Ferrigno).

Yes, it's awful. Mind-bendingly awful. But it's one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen, and well worth seeing for that reason, even if the hilarity is entirely unintentional (which it is). Lou Ferrigno, overdubbed and letting his pecs do most of the acting, is a riot all by himself, but it's the guys playing Zeus and King Minos that really push this thing over the edge. I defy anyone to keep a straight face when Minos points to a crappy prop robot-monster and says in his booming Shakespearean tones, "He is programmed...to destroy Hercules?" And don't even get me started on the scene where Hercules invents constellations by exploding a ratty-looking fake bear in outer space. This is so much funnier than 99% of what passes for comedy these days. See it if you haven't already. You'll have a great time.