Switch (2013)

If the ambition is to provide two hours of instantly forgettable, popcorn-munching escapism, it succeeds.

It's entirely possible that sending the audience out feeling lousy was intentional

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

Unfortunately, Switch really is as awful as many critics claim. With technological gadgetry including face marks and a UAV that can shoot lasers and emit an EMP, you couldn't be blamed if you initially felt you stumbled into a James Bond film by mistake, Switch stealing ideas from this franchise, and Mission Impossible, though the handling of each is unanimously poor. The best aspects of the feature however, are the visuals, Andy Lau's English, and the gorgeous Chinese women. In fact, I spent half the movie drooling all over myself, while the other half was spent wondering why I paid twenty something dollars on a film a five year old could have written. If you enjoy movies that include gangsters with mummy issues, unnecessarily over the top action scenarios, singers who perform strange socially backward songs, women who pointlessly cut off their fingers, Asian assassins in wedding dresses and ravishing babes in roller skates, then the film might actually impress you.The cinematography and settings are very beautiful, and the camera angles used to establish these locations assist the audience in recognizing their physical magnificence. However, the decision to incorporate slow-motion, although equally well executed, appears to be an unnecessary requirement, while at the same time, the quick changes of scenery happen so suddenly they could potentially cause seizures. In one instance, over the course of a couple minutes, the film switches (pun intended) from Dubai, to Tokyo, to Dubai again - this is a film, unsure of where it wants to be.Though there is some good humor to occasionally be had in the conversations, which are sometimes marred by the Caucasian actors, who are not only as wooden as seventeenth century ships, but whose dialogue is as entertaining as a flatulent ant, the flirtation and innuendo that impacts half the feature lacks the subtly of other Hong Kong films, and only heightens the sexist, misogynistic climate. From referring to women as 'toys', to emphasizing 'talkative women are unattractive', I had difficulty swallowing the script, which contained an excess of testosterone, and not enough equilibrium, and though seeing groups of Asian women in skimpy dresses is a dream come true for me, morally, it is repugnant. This, coupled with character Lin (Zhang Jinchu) admitting 'I don't care how you treat me' to her former husband, clearly emphasizes the total lack of respect the film bestows upon the fairer sex.Moving on, the original fight scenes appear awkwardly slow, and the need for characters to occasionally cosplay during these segments is beyond any scope of understanding, although towards the end, the handling of the fight sequences becomes significantly more adept. The musical score that accompanies these scenes is very effective, and the songs further what was supposed to be an adrenaline pumping mood, though the occasionally unnecessary sound effects (like Mr. Lau's need to continuously cock his pistol), alongside the effects, that sometimes appear unnaturally fake, noticeably take away from the appeal.Story-wise, Mr. Lau is Xiao, an agent with an undisclosed company, who spends half his life staring at holographic terminals in his man cave. Despite appearing as though he enjoys his time in the role, Mr. Lau appears awkward in the script's depiction of an immature agent, some of his dialogue being potentially better said by a younger actor. This is not helped by the addendum that Mr. Lau is beginning to look his age, and though his talent and charisma is undeniable, even he is unable to save a plot that can only be described as having been lobotomized.When a series of international criminals fight to obtain the two halves of the Dwelling in the Fuchun Mountains, an impressive piece of artwork, Xiao is tasked to reacquire it. Without warning, explanation or back-story, we are thrust into a plot, lacking in depth, characterization and comprehensive storytelling, where characters are deceased, then alive, then on one side, then another, neither of which is ever thoroughly explored. Unbeknownst to Xiao, his ex-wife, Lin, who left due to the secretive nature of his work, is an agent with an equally untitled agency, tasked to secure the painting. When his family is put on the line, professionalism and personal judgement begin to chaotically merge as Xiao is forced to choose between the woman he once loved, and Lisa (the illustriously beautiful Lin Chiling), the woman who has recently entered his heart.Although romance appears to be a paramount theme, it is obvious the creators have no idea what true love really is. Despite Xiao's claim 'love for (him) is not a choice', he chooses to be an unapologetic womanizer and a shameless flirt, with limited connection to his family, while the theme of greed and hubris overshadows the entirety of the feature, the word of the day apparently been 'mine'.Towards the end, the film finds some semblance of stability, but even this is marred by irreconcilable qualms, concerning realism and narrative, the most obvious of which being: how does Xiao know where the antagonists are located? Although incapable of emotionally moving its audience, and with an ending that is as shallow as it is vastly interpretative, Switch will potentially provoke viewers into booking a flight to China, so they might stare longingly at the unfathomable number of gorgeous women the film promotes resides there. As beautiful as Asian women are however, Switch, much like my mother's meatloaf, is best avoided at all costs.

There is nothing worth to say about this movie, except, don't waste your precious time, not even when you could do it with a fast forward button. Our movie channel just put it on the shelf for on-demand playing, and after hearing so much bad comments about it when it was on the big screen, I made it a challenge for myself to try to sit through it.EPIC FAIL.To the extent that you want to find a way to unsee it, but then you simply can't, because the visuals throughout were so colourful, or even rich, BUT WITHOUT A POINT.I really wanted to give it -10.

There is literally no point to this movie! It's just product placement after product placement. I am not exaggerating. There's no cohesive story that I can see other than there is a coveted painting, the script is laughable, amateur, and melodramatic and the characters are caricatures. I started to wonder if it was based off manga, and when a kid started laughing maniacally in front of a fire, I knew this movie was ****, and it's not a case of not understanding the movie because it's too deep either. It really is just about the aesthetics, and if this movie has any stars, that's why. This was really disappointing! Andy Lau, you've sunk low!

A flashy big budget modern day Chinese action flick starring Andy Lau that has a rating of 2 out of 10 stars on IMDb?...That rating can't be accurate, can it?...YES!...YES IT CAN!It's really hard to believe how astonishingly bad this movie actually is unless you watch it yourself (which I'm not suggesting you do). But, check it out if you want a master lesson on bad filmmaking. Everyone involved with this production should be ashamed of themselves, and the director of this turd should be forever barred from filmmaking in the future.SPOILERS AHEAD!Basic Story: various nefarious Chinese, British, and Japanese groups are all trying to get their hands on two halves of some ancient priceless Chinese scroll. Andy Lau plays a Chinese super-agent who's in charge of protecting the scroll, as is his "estranged" wife. They go about their business to try and save the day while perhaps falling back in love with each other along the way.There are so many things wrong with this film that I don't even know where to start…so, in the spirit of how this movie was made, I'll just rattle off some random thoughts as they come to me, and call it a day:1. Nothing makes any sense; don't bother trying to determine who wants to obtain/protect the scroll and for what reasons…It's pointless and disjointed storytelling that involves lots of fake plots, fake scrolls, fake deaths, etc….2. The writing, script, and dialogue are all beyond TERRIBLE…nothing was lost in translation either.3. The direction and editing are both epically bad. Watch Andy repel from the roof, then race across the desert, now pause for a moment to spend some time reflecting on himself in some Buddhist like swamp where he befriends a little girl for some reason . OK, now enough of that….now let's have another gun fight, car chase, etc…4. The love triangle. Perhaps I wasn't paying close enough attention in the beginning, but the two leads are apparently married to, and love, each other...could've fooled me though because Andy makes for one of the worst husbands and fathers in the history of cinema; he spends his time brazenly flirting and fooling around with any piece of hot tail he comes across (particularly the main evil "henchwoman" who's in love with him) while he completely ignores his wife and child. I guess the point is Andy is eventually supposed to reconcile his love for his family vs. his love for the main hot bad girl, but, there is little reason to care about what he does in regards. I have never in my life seen a more poorly written and incoherently executed love triangle in any movie from any country in any genre!5. Clichés, clichés, clichés; there's plenty of fat dumb obnoxious white guys, hot female Chinese assassins on roller skates/dangling from ceilings/on jet skis in wedding dresses, etc…Let's not forget the Yakuza, the evil deformed mastermind, secret motives by everyone involved, the ludicrous backstories, etc... This movie features every conceivable overused cliché you could possibly expect from an "Asian" film and then some!6. I could go on, but why bother?....no one involved with this production seemed to give a crap about their work, so why should I?On the plus side: Hmmmm….well, this movie is often actually pretty to just "look at" if you aren't paying attention to the story or dialogue or acting; it does make for some great visuals & screenshots here and there. It's also good for numerous unintentional laughs, some pretty girls, and, it might reach legendary cult status one day for how bad it actually is. Other than that, this is easily the worst cinematic venture I've seen this year (2013), and there's not even a close second I can compare it to.Bottom Line: I DARE YOU TO WATCH THIS POS!1 star out of 10, and, that ain't no joke!…It's quite possibly the worst movie ever made (particularly so when you factor in budget, actors/actresses involved, the modern global era we live in, etc…)!