Private School (1983)

To me, this movie is perfection.

a film so unique, intoxicating and bizarre that it not only demands another viewing, but is also forgivable as a satirical comedy where the jokes eventually take the back seat.

It’s not bad or unwatchable but despite the amplitude of the spectacle, the end result is underwhelming.

It’s not bad or unwatchable but despite the amplitude of the spectacle, the end result is underwhelming.

Sweet Christine (Phoebe Cates) and her best friend Betsy (Kathleen Wilhoite) attend the Cherryvale Academy for Girls. Rival Jordan (Betsy Russell) vows to steal Christine's boyfriend Jim (Matthew Modine). Jim's slob friend Bubba is hooking up with Betsy. The boys dress as girls to sneak into the all girls school. Christine finds Jim with Jordan and she stops talking to him. Ms. Copuletta (Sylvia Kristel) teaches sex education. Chauncey (Ray Walston) is Jordan's father's driver.As far as male fantasies go, it doesn't get much better than Betsy Russell riding a horse. Along with Phoebe Cates herself in Fast Times, they are teen boys' dreams of that era. It's more notable for the sex romp than any actual comedy.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was no Internet. The world was a dark and dreary place. There were no cellphones, no selfies, no sexting. There were no porn sites filled with naked girls by the thousands, open to teens with just a click of the "Yes, I'm an adult" box. If you were a teen and your parents had a VCR (which cost about $1,000 back then), you still couldn't go into the XXX section of your local video rental store, if there was one. Heck, you couldn't even buy -- or browse -- a Playboy magazine, legally.So what was left? Weeellllll, you could actually do it in person, but that would require actually meeting a girl. It was all quite mysterious, back in the days before porn. So, for the sex-starved American male, there was the local movie theater, or, better yet, drive-in. Way back then, a little nudity went a long way to attracting audiences, at least males. And that's about all you get with "Private School." Originality, you do not get. We get clumsily remade scenes from the great classics of teen porn, such as Animal House - 1978, specifically, the second story peeping Toms. We get the shower scenes in homage to Porky's - 1982. And we get a sex ed class, a la The Meaning of Life - March 1983. And then there were the cross-dressing scenes, which were original in Some Like it Hot, way back in 1959. Yawwwwn. What's the difference between Private School and porn? Porn is more educational. We don't actually learn anything in the sex ed class scene, unlike The Meaning of Life and any self-respecting porno. What we do learn is that Sylvia Kristel, who is a surprisingly good actress, gives an incredibly bad performance, presumably on the demand of director Noel Black. Was this some sort of retribution for a lack of "cooperation"? (No, Kristel does not provide a "demonstration" in the movie.)We should not forget Dan Greenburg and Suzanne O'Malley, credited with "writing" this movie (I wonder if they list it on their resume?). And who came up with the imaginative title: "Private School"?Fortunately, Phoebe Cates is treated with more respect. I'm glad her career survived this flaming turkey. She was excellent in Gremlins. Where have you gone, Phoebe? You can come out of hiding now. All is forgiven!If Private School were released today in a movie theater, would anyone show up? Would anyone stay to the end? Maybe. There are some people who actually enjoy stupid, bad movies. (Which raises the question of why I watched it. Answer: I stumbled on it in Leonard Maltin's book, and found the cast (Phoebe Gates AND Sylvia Kristel!!!??? (Don't be fooled: There is NO Phoebe and Sylvia scene) ) and rating of "BOMB" intriguing.) But the sex scenes wouldn't cut it, these days. Now, sex has to be graphic and dished out in heaping helpings, like Nymphomaniac, etc. Some mainstream movies are now nothing more than porn with better production values, like Titanic -- and unlike Private School, which had neither high production values, nor graphic sex. Stay to the end? I dare you to make it past the credits! The title song is atrocious, repulsive and repeats a certain four-letter word, perhaps to help spice up the R rating. This movie is pure, shameless teensploitation. Perhaps it should be titled "Shameless." Don't get me wrong: I have nothing against nudity, porn, or sex in movies, just snickering, un-erotic, sagging nudity. But, hey, if this movie turns you on, enjoy those hyper-hormones while you can. Youth is wasted on the young. Go out and meet a real girl. If you don't know what to do with her, watch some real porn. You won't learn anything at this "Private School."

Sweet Chris Ramsey (an utterly charming and vibrant performance by the adorable Phoebe Cates) and stuck-up bitch Jordan Leigh-Jensen (delightfully played to the venomous snobby hilt by the delectable Betsy Russell) compete with each other over the affections of nice guy Jim Green (likable Matthew Modine). Meanwhile, the students in two rival private schools participate in all kinds of wacky antics. Director Noel Black, working from a blithely slight and inane script by Dan Greenburg and Suzanne O'Malley, keeps the pace zipping along at a constant snappy rate and pitches the amusingly lowbrow humor at an appropriately broad level. The lively acting from the enthusiastic cast helps matters a whole lot: Cates and Modine are appealing leads, Russells positively smolders with a highly combustible sexiness, Sylvia Kristel has a memorably sultry part as alluring sex ed teacher Miss Regina Copoletta, Kathleen Wilhoite makes a sparky debut as the sassy Betsy, plus there are entertaining contributions by Michael Zorek as rowdy fat slob Bubba Beauregard, Ray Walston as suave chauffeur Chauncey, Fran Ryan as the stern and uptight head mistress Miss Dutchbok, Jonathan Prince as bespectacled nerd Roy, and, in an especially hilarious bit, an unbilled Martin Mull as an amiable drug store clerk. This movie is further galvanized by a first-rate soundtrack of excellent and energetic 80's rock songs by such artists as Bow Wow Wow, the Stray Cats, Rick Springfield, and Vanity Six. Best of all, this picture sure doesn't skimp on the tasty gratuitous female nudity: Russell's legendary bareback (and chest) horse riding scene deserves its classic status while both an uncredited Brinke Stevens and buxom blonde "Playboy" Playmate Lynda Wiesmeier show off their smokin' hot stuff in a simply spectacular girls' shower room set piece. Moreover, there's a supremely breezy'n'easy carefree quality to this movie that's impossible to either dislike or resist. An absolute hoot.

Private School (for Girls) is a teen sex-comedy that isn't particularly funny, and doesn't feature much sex. It is, however, an 80s teen sex-comedy and, furthermore, it is an 80s teen sex-comedy that stars the most gorgeous actress to have ever graced this earth, the delicious Phoebe Cates. For these reasons, I am willing to cut the movie a lot of slack.Christine (Phoebe Cates), a student at an all girls school, is in love with Jim (Matthew Modine), who is attending a nearby academy for boys. They are planning their first night of passion together but, when busty bitch Jordan (Betsy Russell) sets her sights on Christine's guy, they find that the course of true love n'er did run smooth (as some poet once wrote). Meanwhile, Jim's school buddies involve him in all sorts of crazy capers in a desperate attempt to see (and hopefully score with) as many naked babes as possible.Private School may not be the greatest example of its genre (I think that accolade goes to Fast Times at Ridgmont High, also starring Phoebe Cates), but it still has bags of 80s charm, a likable cast and, of course, loads of quality tits and ass on display! And although Ms. Cates keep herself mostly covered up in this movie, the vivacious Betsy Russell does her best to compensate by getting her ample charms out at the drop of a hat.Viewers are also treated to a great cheesy dance routine with the girls (clad in lycra leotards and leg-warmers) bending and stretching (to the song The American Girl by Rick Springfield), a real corker of a shower scene, the unforgettable sight of a topless Ms. Russell riding a horse in slow motion, and an appearance by Emmanuelle herself, Sylvia Kristel, who, unsurprisingly, plays the sex education teacher.Private School is enjoyably silly trash for those who love immature teen comedies with loads of nudity (ie., me!).