The Hamiltons (2006)

Sorry, this movie sucks

So much average

Plenty to Like, Plenty to Dislike

I cannot think of one single thing that I would change about this film. The acting is incomparable, the directing deft, and the writing poignantly brilliant.

This movie is so boring as it tries too hard to be the next Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Every aspect of the cinematography is terrible, the acting is forced, and I was left feeling like I had wasted my time when there are plenty of other movies out there that do horror better.

A rather mediocre score so I thought to give it a try but did I regret watching this piece of crap. There's so much talking going on and be honest you all out there, there's really nothing happening at all. There's no gore to find and when things go wrong with the captured ones there's nothing to see. each time you think, yes, this time we will see some torturing (made in the torture porn era) you are left with a bitter feeling.When we do have some red stuff it's so boring, maybe the bath scene is the best of it all but even that I would show to my 8 year old one at home. At the end the Hamiltons said it perfectly, indeed, go away to another part were we can find fresh blood, well, go and never come back, pleaaaaaase.Gore 0/5 Nudity 0/5 Effects 0/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5

SPOILY SPOILERSI'll admit to being a dyed in the wool horror fan, even the worst of the worst horror I enjoy on some random scene.I loved this movie, judging by the posting boards I'm in a minority but something here really appealed to me.I thought it was torture porn which (when done right) is very good, not my favorite genre but still good. I realized this was not the case when following the abduction of the two girls at the beginning we didn't go immediately to a blow-torch or chainsaw.There are some subtle hints about what's really going on plus some red herrings, witness Darlene's awkward holding of the knife and fork and when Francis throws the breakfast that David cooks in the trash.Other weird things that add to the mystery are 'Lenny'; a feared thing in the basement that needs to be fed but is so loved that Darlene, who is not a compassionate kind of girl, sings tenderly to. David who is really trying to keep his whole family together despite his paternal kindness, (cooking breakfast, trying to chat to Francis about school, scolding Darlene for being late, trying to protect Francis from Wendell) but kills the men he brings home and buries under the house and the aforementioned Wendell and Darlene, twins who are..ahem!...still wrapping their legs round each others heads, if you catch my meaning, they also like to indulge in murder and sexual manipulation.I saw some stuff that made me falsely assume cannibalism, the fact that David and Wendell worked at a slaughterhouse, that Francis refused to eat the roast at dinner and vomited when the others did, some of the tools in the basement and when Francis tells us in V.O at the beginning that Wendell went to jail for biting off a mans ear in a parking lot.The style is like a movie diary in some parts as it's being filmed by Francis as a class project and in the usual 'third wall' fashion for the other parts. The theme is that Francis is a square peg in a round hole, not unusual for most teens. He has a skateboard, likes metal, smokes weed etc etc, he has two older brothers, one who he thinks is lame and one who beats him up for being a 'pansy', he isn't close to his sister as they have nothing in common, he also avoids 'Lenny'.He is not pleased at the girls Wendell has tied up in the basement and tries to connect with one of them by feeding her and asking her about her life. The other girl is dragged away a few times and eventually doesn't come back, the girl Francis is helping begs him to let her go as she fears she will soon end up facing the same fate as her friend.We are only told what is really happening by David who drags her away while Francis, who has been weakening by degrees through the movie, is asleep. As David is telling the girl what the problem is the twins are upstairs killing Darlene's friend Kitty, This scene was when I thought I had really nailed what was going on, I remembered as Wendell kidnapped the girls the moon had been full and as Darlene and Wendell lowered a bloody and dying Kitty into the bathtub with yips and whimpers I changed my mind from cannibals to werewolves, finally after the girl from the basement is rescued by Francis who bashes David on the head to save her we get the REAL story, Davis comes to find Francis who is crying as the girl lays dead and we see the blood on Francis' mouth and his fangs.David explains that he too was like Francis and tried to resist but he accepted, as Francis must, that they need to drink blood. Lenny is actually a younger sibling, they are feral and indiscriminate until they learn self control, now he is old enough to leave the box and as Kitty's uncle is a sheriff The Hamiltons must now become The Thompsons and move yet again.I loved it but as a drama rather than a horror movie, not a lot of action and gore but plenty to think on, even after the twist is known.The acting from all is excellent, Samuel Child is awesome as David and Mackenzie Firgens as Darlene gives some much needed estrogen and as a female I'm thrilled that she was portrayed properly, no fuzzy pink bunnies and no cliché where she was the one with a conscience (for as Stan Smith said 'only women have feelings, they come from their ovaries')So there it is, a modern day twist; vampirism as a hereditary blood disease passed from parent to child, please don't let people put you off, if you enjoy movies where the focus is on the acting rather than the blood and the story rather than the sensationalism then see it

The Hamiltons tells the story of the four Hamilton siblings, teenager Francis (Cory Knauf), twins Wendell (Joseph McKelheer) & Darlene (Mackenzie Firgens) & the eldest David (Samuel) who is now the surrogate parent in charge. The Hamilton's move house a lot, Franics is unsure why& is unhappy with the way things are. The fact that his brother's & sister kidnap, imprison & murder people in the basement doesn't help relax or calm Francis' nerves either. Francis know's something just isn't right & when he eventually finds out the truth things will never be the same again...Co-written, co-produced & directed by Mitchell Altieri & Phil Flores as The Butcher Brothers (who's only other film director's credit so far is the April Fool's Day (2008) remake, enough said) this was one of the 'Films to Die For' at the 2006 After Dark Horrorfest (or whatever it's called) & in keeping with pretty much all the other's I've seen I thought The Hamiltons was complete total & utter crap. I found the character's really poor, very unlikable & the slow moving story failed to capture my imagination or sustain my interest over it's 85 & a half minute too long 86 minute duration. The there's the awful twist at the end which had me laughing out loud, there's this really big sustained build up to what's inside a cupboard thing in the Hamiltons basement & it's eventually revealed to be a little boy with a teddy. Is that really supposed to scare us? Is that really supposed to shock us? Is that really something that is supposed to have us talking about it as the end credits roll? Is a harmless looking young boy the best 'twist' ending that the makers could come up with? The boring plot plods along, it's never made clear where the Hamiltons get all their money from to buy new houses since none of them seem to work (except David in a slaughterhouse & I doubt that pays much) or why they haven't been caught before now. The script tries to mix in every day drama with potent horror & it just does a terrible job of combining the two to the extent that neither aspect is memorable or effective. A really bad film that I am struggling to say anything good about.Despite being written & directed by the extreme sounding Butcher Brothers there's no gore here, there's a bit of blood splatter & a few scenes of girls chained up in a basement but nothing you couldn't do at home yourself with a bottle of tomato ketchup & a camcorder. The film is neither scary & since it's got a very middle-class suburban setting there's zero atmosphere or mood. There's a lesbian & suggest incestuous kiss but The Hamiltons is low on the exploitation scale & there's not much here for the horror crowd.Filmed in Petaluma in California this has that modern low budget look about it, it's not badly made but rather forgettable. The acting by an unknown (to me) cast is nothing to write home about & I can't say I ever felt anything for anyone.The Hamiltons commits the cardinal sin of being both dull & boring from which it never recovers. Add to that an ultra thin story, no gore, a rubbish ending & character's who you don't give a toss about & you have a film that did not impress me at all.