Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2002)

Overrated and overhyped

I wanted to like it more than I actually did... But much of the humor totally escaped me and I walked out only mildly impressed.

The film's masterful storytelling did its job. The message was clear. No need to overdo.

It's the kind of movie you'll want to see a second time with someone who hasn't seen it yet, to remember what it was like to watch it for the first time.

Although fiction may use real people and real events along with or instead of imaginary characters, my view is that it crosses the line and becomes an egregious act of slanderous defamation and calumnious denigration when it deliberately distorts the reality of a historically prominent figure and maliciously misrepresents the nature and character of that person. So, for example, to portray a known-to-be-non-violent person such as Jesus of Nazareth as being some kung-fu warrior who inflicts bodily harm upon others does way more than cross that line that ignores the reality of Jesus...it tries to form that line into another bloody cross and nail Him to it all over again! Although non-violent, Jesus is certainly no cowardly wimp. And not all students of His teachings are gonna just sit back and turn the other cheek so to speak while movie-makers merrily mock Him like He is some kind of circus clown or prophet puppet fashioned solely for their amusement! Woe unto thee, ye ungodly perpetrators of this cosmic crime, an evil attack against God and All Beings Holy and Divine! Woe unto thee, you mischievously wicked malcontents who peddle your dirty little damnation deed perhaps inspired by some demonically-flavored Satan-seed! Woe unto thee, ye blinded by darkness fools who squirm like slothful worms in the thick mud of night, trembling like broken twigs in the wind when confronted by the God of Life and Light! So to sum up this movie in just three words: Slander. Blasphemy. Sacrilege. To sum up Jesus in three words: I will not even attempt that one. There are no words adequate enough to even partially describe His gracious nature and charismatic personality. But to know Him is to love Him. And to love Him is to defend Him when others spit in His Face and trample all over His offers of mercy and grace.

This movie sure is pretty enjoyable, but you have to really love your b-movies. It's extremely amateurish, the 16 mm look, the acting, the effects, everything. Still, it looks like a bunch of friends had a great time making it, which has an undeniable charm. But here's the thing. Try describing it to a friend. Whether you just explain the premise, or get into a specific scene, it will without a doubt sound like the coolest movie ever made. The title, Santos, loads of lesbians, punk priests, the Star Wars Scat, a fully choreographed musical number, it all sounds fantastic. Basically, while it could never live up to it's description, it's definitely worth a look. But please, don't take my word for it, just watch it and judge for yourself.

I love vampire movies but I have no idea what I was thinking watching this movie. While there were some mildly funny parts this is probably one of the worst movies that I have ever seen. I know that the title alone tells you how bad it will be, but this movie was disturbing on levels that I can't describe. I do, however, want a copy of the title song for that is the best part of the movie. The movie did have some good points however. There are lesbian vampires... yea! What I don't get is why Jesus has to go punk. He shaves his head gets some earrings and puts on tight black clothes. Why? Then there is the god of Mexican wrestling. Where the hell does he come from and why the hell is he in this picture!?! Like I said very disturbing.

I have seen a bundle of bad horror films and bad horror spoofs in my lifetime. This is an obvious choice for "Worst Bad Movie Ever". The acting was god awful but that isn't what made this movie stink. The action scenes were badly filmed and incredibly boring. The outfits were simply terrible the script was undefinable and the director must have been a mentally retarded monkey. The film moved so slow and none of the jokes worked. You didn't like any of the characters and you could care less about the entire film. Ten minutes in you know you are in for a hour plus coma-watch. I drank so much coffee before I watched this and during. It made no difference. Watching this movie is like swallowing a sleeping pill coated in bloody bile and traced with razor sharp edges. I'd rather cough blood up for the rest of my life than watch this movie ever again. The biggest flaw is that they cut Jesus's hair and beard off ten minutes into the film. That was a huge mistake. The whole movie hinged on the fact that the vampire hunter was Jesus. When you cut his hair and remove the beard you just have another retarded Canadian. Christ, this movie stank.