Actium Maximus (2005)

Such a frustrating disappointment

Sorry, this movie sucks

People are voting emotionally.

Awesome Movie

Actium Maximus will be my first review because it's the film that led me to IMDb to begin with... I found this movie so uniquely bizarre that I was curious to see other's thoughts, and kept coming back to IMDb ever since. Reviews I've read here and on various blogs have led to many a belly-laugh, even if their words were cruel and at the expense of a movie that I happen to like a lot! Consider the title of one of the other reviews here: "This Movie Is Distilled Pain"! It cracks me up every time- it's funny how the negative reviews often contain plenty of humor while the good reviews rarely do. However, another reviewer also gets props for acknowledging that there are in fact people out there who can totally dig a film like this... I am one of those people and finally made an account at IMDb in part to defend 'Actium Maximus'!First let me say that I fully understand the faults people list with this movie: The spoiler is that there is no spoiler- you watch the entire film to get a sudden "To be continued..." What?? Why wasn't I warned on the box that there's no ending! Then there is no plot beyond the basic setup: On a planet in some galaxy a box-thing rules with an iron fist and the populace is kept distracted with fights involving different races of "dinosaurs". Creatures called Laffrodites protest and wage guerrilla wars against the dictator. That's pretty much it. Another clear fault here is that there is no protagonist- the main character (played by writer/director Mark Hicks) Jaciniun Axcesun- the only human character in the film besides his female assistant Pratalls- is just a lackey for the Grand Automaton. The only good guys, the oppressed Laffrodites, are just ginseng roots that don't speak... even if there were scenes with rebel leader Arch Briton Sustinuce, he has no face or voice so we would not really be able to relate to him beyond his plight. Then there are the effects which come off as a mix of low budget effects from the 60's, 70's, 80's, and 90's when they are in fact from the 2000's! Finally a critical flaw: The dinosaurs never fight! They walk around or bob up and down with gore in their mouths, but we never actually see the action PROMISED IN THE MOVIE'S TITLE! Those are probably the main ailments here. Ah, let's not forget that when Jaciniun visits the "dinosaur holding pens" you can actually see monkeys swinging on poles in the background and realize they shot this scene at the zoo!The good: Honestly this is not a film I would ever put on with some guests to watch during prime time, unless it's just one other person and you've both been smoking the wacky to- baccy. I have probably watched Actium Maximus a hundred times, but this is usually in the wee hours alone and I have definitely not seen the ending as many times as the beginning, as I usually doze off before then. And that's the point here: This movie is dream-like... honestly, besides the first Star Wars film and T.V.'s Land of the Lost (the 70's one) there are not all that many movies that make me feel like I am really somewhere else- a place outside of this reality. Actium Maximus achieves that in my opinion, which as the above-mentioned reviewer pointed out is really enjoyed by a small group of people out there. Jaciniun's spaceship, the weird creatures that he talks to at the holding pens, the asymmetrical yellow and lavender "dinosaur"- these are some of several elements here that come off as very otherworldly and not like the endless generic stuff coming out of Hollywood. I think the guy doing the expository voice-over at the beginning does a brilliant job of sounding totally comfortable with the completely bizarre script he is reading and makes it all the more believable. I also like the "dinosaur" names like Belatonus, Titanodon, Dhezeron, Lexiagon, Retarisaurus, etc. and the fact that they are shipped in from different planets.Lastly I will mention the soundtrack, which I have seen people complement even after tearing the film itself apart- I think the score is catchy and adds to the film's atmosphere. There's a synth and piano theme repeated throughout the film which has an epic rock opera sort of feel. then we get sort of Ministry type industrial metal, and then there's plenty of 80's guitar metal shredding with an accompanying piano! Hopefully Mark gets a little satisfaction seeing that a lot of people like his music even if they didn't like the movie.So there you go- most people will surely find Actium Maximus un-watchable, but I'll take this over the generic cgi sh*t-show that comes out of Hollywood any day. Movies are art, and the conventional faults listed in the first part of the review are irrelevant for those who can appreciate this kind of otherworldly weirdness. You know who you are...

Let's talk about bad movies for a moment. A bad movie tends to fall in one of two categories. The first being that it has some redeeming quality. Maybe it's funny in spite of itself, maybe it becomes a guilty pleasure. The other category is one that is so abysmally bad that it can only be enjoyed with friends over beer and pizza, laughing and making MST3K-esque comments throughout the film. The later was our intention when deciding to watch Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs.This movie was far beyond bad. It belongs in a category all by itself (and then that category needs to be shot into outer space). In fact, ten minutes into this film we could no longer make fun of it. It became physically painful to watch, and may have caused permanent psychological damage. I would not have been surprised, once the movie was over, if my phone would have rung and the voice on the other end informed me I would die in 7 days.It is unclear what writer, director, composer and star Mark Hicks was shooting for, but what is clear is he was clearly not taking his medication. You would think a movie, containing both a narrator and subtitles would make the plot easier to understand. Not so. The narrator speaks as distinctly as the Daleks from Dr. Who. The subtitles, often paragraph long and displayed for only 3 seconds, was certainly in need of a spell checker.I'm no expert, but if I was to venture a guess, Mark invested his life savings into this film, all $140.00, and $25 of that was spent on Chinese food while editing. There were very few humans in this film. Mark Hicks plays Jacinlun Axezun (say that fast 5 times), a character similar to Han Solo. That is if Han was an overweight, monotone, lifeless dullard with all the bravado and sex appeal of a substitute chemistry teacher on anti-depressants. The arch-villain of this film is Grand Automaton Polpox (sounds like a disease) wonderfully played by a box with a blue knob. In order to divert the masses from his genocidal plans to exterminate the Rebel Laffrodites (I seriously am not making these names up)he holds these grand exhibitions pitting alien dinosaurs in mortal combat. Get ready, some serious blue-screen work here. I guess Phil Tippit was booked, because these dinosaurs were crafted from sock puppets, coated in play-doh, bacon and corn syrup. Every good director knows to have an establishing shot, especially when moving from one location to another. Mark doesn't disappoint here, as he creates an establishing shot of the exterior of the city which was actually the surface of a water-less aquarium.Sounds good so far right?So while Mark and his crew (consisting of some woman who may or may not of had dialogue, as she apparently didn't have a microphone) Polpox's right hand man, played by a stalagmite, warns him of an assassination plot against him. The assassin, as it turns out, is a moth. Go figure.The subtitle, "War of the Alien Dinosaurs" is also confusing. To be defined as "alien", it must come from an alien world. That's fine, as Polpox gathers dinosaurs from other planets. But dinosaurs? Unless he has a time machine, these beasts would just be indigenous animals. Or are the indigenous animals once prehistoric animals from the homeworld that somehow migrated across space. But, considering that these dinosaurs are made out of sock puppets, play-doh, bacon and corn syrup, I suppose it doesn't warrant much thought.The one saving grace this film offers is intellectual higher ground. What that means is, if someone is engaged in a conversation and utters the phrase "(insert name here) is the worst movie ever", take comfort in knowing they're wrong.As for me, if I was the sole survivor of a global holocaust, and this was the only DVD left on Earth, believe me when I say I would glee-fully coat my eyes with honey and face-plant into a pile of dirt covered in fire ants.

Alright, now, I have no idea if this was done as a deliberate comedy, a self-aware, tongue-in-cheek spoof of low budget sci-fi flicks, or if they were really trying to be serious here and just failed spectacularly, but Actium Maximus, this hideous, shrieking beast of a movie, is hard on the viewers' eyes and ears regardless of the filmmakers' intentions.My biggest gripe with the movie was *by far* the audio. I had an absurdly difficult time understanding the dialogue (unless it was subtitled, which it mercifully was in many scenes), because the robotic/futuristic distortion effects that were used for most of the alien voices rendered their speech almost completely unintelligible, not to mention an irritating chore to listen to. Tragically, most of the (painfully jargon-infested) dialogue in this movie is expositional and pretty much essential to understanding the story and the setting, so not being able to discern what's being said definitely is a problem. Or maybe not, considering that ---spoiler ahead--- *none* of the established conflicts and crises are actually resolved in any way whatsoever. Instead, the viewer is given the middle finger in the form of a "To Be Continued..." message after over an hour worth of nothing but buildup. Delicious.Of course, the other major issue are the visuals. I have absolutely nothing against "bad", low budget special effects in general, nor do I reject movies that deliberately opt for a cheap look, whether for comedic effect or just for style, but this disaster is where I have to draw the line. The effects in Actium Maximus are bad to the point of being a severe distraction and hindrance to the plot. After a while, I was no longer just sitting there, watching a movie, but actually squinting at the screen, guessing the contents of conversations and hoping to figure out what the hell the makers where trying to convey with the confusing, chaotic imagery.All in all, Actium Maximus is a nasty, messy and overall grating ordeal. It gets a 2 only for some of its genuinely impressive set miniatures, and the somewhat admirable guts the producers must have had for even attempting an ambitious project like this on such a damningly tight budget.

This movie is awful, I'm SORRY. I bought this to get Star Worms, and actually expected this to be better after how disappointed I was in Star Worms. Oh just kidding, turns out this is the worst movie I've ever seen. The acting is garbage, not that there really is any, and the main character is a big stupid box who gets attacked by like, stuff or something. I can't really tell. The special effects are so bad that you can't even see the warring dinosaurs, which by the way do not war, but just stand and kind of move their mouths, or whatever those things are. The movie is a headache. It's very obvious the director is trying to establish a universe. Hahahahahahahaha... Really, this movie is just abominable, even by Troma's standards. The only good thing I can say about it is that it's got a Lloyd Kaufman intro, as he tricks us yet again into watching something that isn't fit for consumption.