Cool as Ice (1991)

As Good As It Gets

Admirable film.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

The movie turns out to be a little better than the average. Starting from a romantic formula often seen in the cinema, it ends in the most predictable (and somewhat bland) way.

I'm gonna give this movie what it deserves. I know most people are saying "this sucks" or so bad and all that but it really is nothing that makes it even bad. Yes, its boring at times but its never really anything aquard or cringy. It just seemed to be an average movie with an average budget and an average set of popular hollywood actors. If I were to give it any pluses, it had aesthetically pleasing camera angles and shots and had nice characters that didn't fit into stereotypical movie roles. It did of course have a lot to work on like characters jumping to conclusions or odd character lines but other than that, thats all I can say about it.

Worse than I expected. And I expected it to be 100 times worse than 'Road House'. This is so bad, Naomi Campbell is in it, and she isn't the worst thing about the film.This is a contender for the crassest, most imbecilic movie ever made. Compared to this, 'Night Train to Mundo Fine' is a completely coherent work of heartbreaking beauty.It was a vehicle for the just-expired popularity of Robert van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, aka the white rapper who made Snow look legit. He and his nitwit, cliché-spouting biker gang bowl into a small town without a suitcase between them, but still manage several preposterous costume changes. He proceeds to endanger the life of an allegedly clever girl with a physically impossible act of crass stupidity, thus making her fall in love with him. Naturally, he antagonises the local rubes with his totally radical attitude and use of the catchphrase "yep yep".At one point, he takes over the local dance hall to commit a hideous crime on a Sly Stone track (shockingly, he isn't laughed out of town at this point) and seduces the leading lady with a mixture of sub-MC Hammer prancing and some very creepy dry humping.The leading man is so utterly laughable, charmless and gormless, the folks of today complaining about Justin Bieber don't know how lucky they are. Any fan of 'The Simpsons' will recognise him as the blueprint for Poochy. The odd thing is that Vanilla Ice actually had a genuine talent for racing motorcycles, but even that isn't made a convincing part of this film. The bike scenes look as fake as everything else.Then there's the usual tale of "bad boy gets rejected by the town, but then wins everybody over by saving the day". What, you hadn't seen that coming?Thankfully, the RiffTrax crew give it the kicking it very richly deserves, without which I couldn't have got through this. Yep yep.

I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it. I actually thought the movie was good - I rent it again and I would own it.

Cool As Ice was undeniably meant to cash in on the Vanilla Ice craze. I hate movies like this. It's the reason that movies like "Gigli" (another atrocity) get made. Instead of building the actors around the movie, they build the movie around the actors. Be wary of any movie that's made specifically to cash in on any kind of craze. Like you need me to tell you that.What's the worst thing about this movie? It has GOT to be Vanilla Ice himself. His dialog, his acting. Just horrible. And my beef isn't so much with the man himself. Pop culture has torn him up enough as it is. I highly doubt that he had anything to do with the writing of this movie, which is the worst of all. Really though, listen to his dialog! I'm convinced that a rich kid from Beverly Hills could be more "street" than he attempts to be in this movie. It's so obviously forced and out of touch it isn't funny. In fact, I doubt Vanilla Ice himself was quite THAT bad at attempting to sound like a credible "bad boy". I can't stress this enough. His attempts to sound like a "bad ass" are unspeakably bad and embarrassing. Even the biggest "try-too-hards" I've ever met haven't been that bad.Ice's lines and acting aside, it's not the only terrible thing about the movie. Another annoying thing about this film is that it doesn't really go anywhere until what seems like an hour in. The romantic angle dominates most of the movie, and it appears as if the bad guy/action angle was just thrown in at the last minute to avoid this being classified as a romantic drama. I just kept sitting there thinking "isn't this an action movie as well?" When you can't manage to blend all plot elements of a movie together to create a steady and interesting pacing, then your script is a failure. Sure, the bad guys are present earlier in the film, but it adds almost nothing to the film. It doesn't make you feel as if it's really building up to anything without already knowing that the movie contains it.The action scenes themselves just flatly suck. I felt like the bad guys were every bumbling idiot bad guy duo you've ever seen. Is this a "Saved By the Bell" episode, or a "serious" movie? I couldn't tell at one point. Give Zack Morris* a even more ridiculous haircut, even cheesier dialog, and you could've fooled me. That's how bad it was. The writing and characters were actually worse than the average episode of that show. This movie is just dreadfully boring. None of the elements are in any way entertaining.*On a funny side note, there was indeed an episode of "Saved By the Bell" where the entire gang (in a dream sequence) became a famous band. Zack eventually went solo, and his manager clearly dressed him up to resemble Vanilla Ice. The difference is, if you've ever seen SBTB, you'd know that it could never really be taken seriously. I don't think that's what the writer or director of this movie had in mind.Terrible acting, terrible writing, terrible plot, terrible music, terribly boring, terrible film. Arguable the worst movie I've ever seen. Though, my hatred for the absolute atrocity that was "Freeway 2" prevents me from putting the "undeniable" label on it. Really though, this movie is just PAINFUL to watch. Vanilla Ice's dialog in and of itself make it feel that way. But the rest of the movie just adds to it. It's not even one of those movies that's "so bad it's good". It's just bad. Very, very bad.