Shira: The Vampire Samurai (2005)

Very well executed

Yo, there's no way for me to review this film without saying, take your *insert ethnicity + "ass" here* to see this film,like now. You have to see it in order to know what you're really messing with.

If you like to be scared, if you like to laugh, and if you like to learn a thing or two at the movies, this absolutely cannot be missed.

It is an exhilarating, distressing, funny and profound film, with one of the more memorable film scores in years,

SHIRA: THE VAMPIRE SAMURAI is a no budget action movie shot in a wooded location. It looks like the director and his mates got hold of some plastic props and a suit of samurai armour and decided to shoot a movie with it, making up the story and dialogue as they went along. The film is chock full of low rent and disappointing action sequences centred around the film's protagonist, a half-vampire woman with cool contact lenses. There's very little to say about this silly production other than that it's an embarrassing bore.

Unbelievably bad acting almost makes this abysmal film amusing. However the pathetic storyline,cretinous direction, horrible amateur cinematography and a female lead that needs to go back to working in a call centre manage to stifle the laughs in favour of groans. Why is there some idiot from TJ HOOKER in this? Surely he cant be that broke. Even a deranged dwarf wearing flip-flops who gropes everything he can get his hands on cannot save this. The fangs are joke-shop hilarious. Plastic swords, fake sneers and ridiculously moody glares abound. The dreadful soundtrack compounds the misery of watching this. If it's tits and raspberry sauce you want, this is the film for you. Dire, droll and dismal. "Shira, we need you to serve humanity one last time " - indeed we do, kill the director for us. THIS IS AWFUL - DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WATCHING IT.

I love bad movies. You know the phrase "so bad it's good", well in this case it isn't. It is just plain bad.I couldn't finish watching it bad.I didn't have any clue that the Japanese scenes were supposed to be 16th century until I read it elsewhere. The casting is terrible. The costumes suck. The "effects" are horrid, worst fake blood I've seen in quite some time. The acting is bad, but not bad enough to have camp value. Worst fight choreography I've seen anywhere. No continuity between many of the scenes, they just jump to what they want to show next without any tie-in to plot or previous action. Even the T&A, which would have been this flicks only redeeming virtue, was done poorly.Worst. Movie. Ever.I think this would be a fine candidate for the 100 worst movies, except it will probably never get enough votes to make the list - which is a good thing, because it will mean many folks never saw it and were spared intense suffering.the loco

In order to fully appreciate the greatness of a movie like Shira you need a kind of cinematic masochism. The kind of thing where something really really bad somehow becomes something wonderful. Luckily, my friends and I are exactly those types of masochists. If you are also a member of this somewhat dubious breed then you will love Shira. There is just so much to choose from; the (apparently ex-porno) cast, the thoroughly incoherent script, the made up pseudo Japanese words and fight choreography that must have Bruce Lee spinning elegantly in his grave. I would summarise the plot but I am unconvinced that there really is one. Suffice to say that it is a little from column Blade, a little from column Buffy and a little from column Highlander. If you find yourself beginning to prefer $50,000 straight to video shlockfests to $500 million A- list epics then you should run out to your local movie store and get yourself a copy of Shira. Seriously, you will be glad you did.