Cold Storage (2009)

hyped garbage

best movie i've ever seen.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

Have you ever seen Weekend at Bernie's? How about Deliverance? Maybe even Wrong Turn? Tony Elwood's Cold Storage is mishmash of all of these films—a "movie medley," of sorts. One would think that, given the sheer entertainment value possible when movies such as these are combined (shlock though they are), the final product would be nothing short of a delightful little tale of mountainside gore and inbred shenanigans. That, however, is not the case.Cold Storage is about an aspiring actress named Melissa who leaves her Charlotte area residence (woot!) to take on a gig in a rural (and I mean rural) Tennessee mountain town. On the way there, a bird crashes into her windshield and she somehow manages to fly out of her car and land on her head. Never mind the fact that the whole plot hinges on stray fowl: how did her car door open (without the automobile flipping over) and how did she manage to hit the blacktop in a "jackhammer" position? I know it's supposed to be over-the-top, but defying the laws of physics is an entirely different matter.So, here's our starry-eyed actress, lying prostrate and paralyzed in the middle of a Tennessee back road. The next person to come along, of course, is a fella named Clive. He's a local who has delusions of courting a long-departed nurse who was kind to him in his youth. He scoops up Melissa and carries her home, and eventually his fractured mind assigns her the identity of the aforementioned love of his life. The problem with all this is that Melissa soon dies due to her injuries, and Clive seems to take no notice. He even parades her rotting corpse around town in his rusted out clunker.This does make for some humorous moments, but the extreme nature of some of the funnier bits—such as when Clive "brushes his teeth" with a straight razor and pops a tick the size of a quarter with his bare hands —are oddly counterbalanced by what were supposed to have been moments of poignant reflection on the part of our anti-hero. These moments are so strangely juxtaposed that it makes the movie feel as if it's constantly teetering on the edge of oblivion. It just can't seem to make a clear statement about what sort of story it'd like to be, and viewers are left wondering if it's okay to laugh at scenes that could be taken as comical or pseudo-serious.To add to the woes, the whole production is hampered by atrocious acting from the very beginning. Even though this is a goofy horror/thriller at heart, the characters still need to be at least moderately believable—as is the case with any piece of effective storytelling—to elicit some degree of concern from viewers. With Cold Storage, we're given something akin to a late night round of charades that's punctuated by badly delivered (and badly written) dialogue. At times, wincingly so.There's also the stock characters of the incompetent Sheriff and the wizened local, both of whom are—strangely enough—friends (and both of whom advise Melissa's sister and ex-boyfriend to take different courses of action to try and locate said missing person).Even though it's got a few humorous moments, Cold Storage is a mess. If you're looking for goofy laughs and horror films of the hillbilly variety, check out Wrong Turn. At least then you'll know that it's all very much tongue-in-cheek.

Above all, I will insist on the fact that this film is surprising, very unusual, among all the horror and survival movies we can watch since so many years. It could look like an ordinary slasher, taking place in the lost Appalachian mountains or anywhere else in the American wilderness, with the usual red necks hanging around. Clichés among clichés. DELIVERANCE was the very beginning of all this. Yes, I was very pleased to find at last a feature that could bring some fresh air to this kind of cinéma. Here, no real red necks, but ordinary people from the country side, who have weird habits - see the sheriff eating his egg yolks with a straw !!- and give us an interesting study of how they live. The best thing I loved in this film was the lonely man's character. All along the film, he is presented as a poor guy. And he is. In many other movies, characters like him are kidnappers, bad guys who torture and kill lost urban tourists. In this flick, you feel sympathy for him. After all, he did not kill the girl deceased in her car accident.The only villain on the film is killed by our lead.Our lead who is finally considered by the other characters like the REAL bad guy. I like this kind of way to build a story. At the beginning of the film, you may think that this man is the evil, and then you see you're wrong, and after one hour and a half, you finally get back, but not in a proper way. You may feel ashes or bitterness in your mouth. Because the moral is not entirely respected.And I am very fond of this. That changes.

We have always noticed Mr. Searcy, and love him in Justified. But this movie is the absolute best performance lately by anyone in any genre. The story was presented beautifully for a horror movie, and kept us guessing. Loved the townspeople, who performed outside the normal stereotype of southern hicks. Cannot believe that a movie released years ago we finally see on cable, and it is fantabulous! For any true horror movie fan - who loves everything from the 1930's to now, serious and campy, this is one of the best movies ever. Not even sure you can call it horror, more thriller and suspense. The most horrible part of the movie, we agree with another reviewer, is the Sheriff sucking eggs through a straw! A masterful creation by writers, directors, cast, and crew. You should all be very proud of this production!!!

Low-budget direct-to-DVD indie horror movie Cold Storage is unexpectedly rewarding. Independently made in 2005 for around 1 million, it won DVD distribution in 2010 with a May release. Watch it soon because it deserves appreciation. (The director made 2 previous micro-budget features that had some exposure on cable, which I haven't looked up, and this looks like the height of his movie making career so far.) -Minor spoilers ahead- Cold Storage begins when a pretty blonde lady, Melissa, leaves her philandering but contrite husband. Her wish to start over draws her towards a nearby rural town, where a summer theater acting gig awaits.Melissa's journey takes her down a dark wet country road. She's thinking about her new start, when something flies out of the night and shatters the windshield, and everything goes spinning. Seconds later, her car is a wreck and she lies paralyzed and helpless on the lonely road, a heartbeat from death.By chance, a driver in a creepy old car happens on the gruesome scene. Instead of leaping to help, he ominously backs in with unknown intentions. He's a mentally challenged hillbilly, who tenderly takes Melissa's barely breathing body to the passenger seat, and tows her car to hide it where nobody should ever find it.From this point, the first half of the movie becomes the story of Clive Mercer, the child-minded loner who has always hidden in his desolate shack on the outskirts of town. It drags a bit with only one active character, before it branches out when Melissa's husband and sister resolve differences to team up and find her. The movie seems headed for boringville at first, but Clive's scenes really help it cook later on, because they win genuine pity for his loneliness (a minor feat of cool writing). He becomes a sympathetic monster while he gives a horrible kind of love to his special secret friend. Despite his disgusting role, he's not the nastiest character in the story when it unfolds with more than it seemed to hold at first. It's also cool that the character who might slay the monster is hardly better: it's the town's cloddishly dumb, mustachioed and bejowled sheriff. He can barely be bothered to search for a missing lady, because he's dumb and doesn't care for city slickers. In one notable scene, he slurps egg yolks through a soda straw in a way that's grosser than the worst gore in this movie.The movie's best asset is the way it relies so little on action, cheap scares, or effects (not that it's afraid to go for a few hilarious gross-outs), and branches out through it's characters in a humorously off-kilter way. Even incidental characters with just a few lines help reveal a small town full of stories, such as the faded glamor queen who runs a thrift shop where Clive dares to buy something odd for his special secret friend. The movie draws from well known genre sources and combines them with it's own personality. It doesn't sit in one genre (horror, suspense, black comedy), it does things it's own way (even when it's clunky), and it mines entertainment from taboo. You can tell it has personality by the way the titular situation is only a very brief part of the plot (in other words, maybe too unique to easily market.) Unlike crappier horror movies, it's a book you can't judge by it's cover, and it's probably 73 times better than other much more financially successful ones.I'm not saying it's a flawless classic, but it makes me hope the creators make more and better (some of the actors have already had success with recognizable TV parts). It's worth the attention of people who appreciate underrated, creatively creepy movies. Netflix has it, and you should give it a try.