Star Crystal (1986)

As Good As It Gets

The performances transcend the film's tropes, grounding it in characters that feel more complete than this subgenre often produces.

It's simply great fun, a winsome film and an occasionally over-the-top luxury fantasy that never flags.

It is neither dumb nor smart enough to be fun, and spends way too much time with its boring human characters.

Very mild spoiler (of something which happens in the first 20 minutes): So in our cast we've got 2 slightly past-their-prime shampoo TV commercial models, 1 foul-tempered missing linkess, and a heart-poundingly cute goddess named Emily Longstreth. What's a movie production to do but kill off the goddess straight away and take our chances with the rest after........huh??There are many things to be said about this alleged movie. Like "in space, no one can hear you crawl". Or "why act when we can just sit here?" Or "hey, you know... tying these random scenes together doesn't actually require an explanation, just some splicing tape". Or "glowing dot showdown Survivor -- in SPACE!"Only watch this if you have a strong tolerance for junk and your life is simply 91 minutes too damn long. (So... why did I watch it? Schlock OCD, I guess. That and Emily Longstreth! Even if only for a scandalously few minutes.)

Yes, this movie is horrible. The plot is derivative, the props are a joke, and the acting makes my junior high Huck Finn worthy of a Tony. Yet, it is not a total loss. Some movies are so bad, they are good. Before "Mystery Science Theatre" started doing it, my friends and I would rent these horrible movies and clown on them all night to much hilarity. Star Crystal was a perennial favorite. Its badness cannot be put into words. It is simply the worst movie you will ever see. The first time you see it you are offended by its flawed scenery, cheesy acting, and overall insulting of your intelligence. But then, the second time you see it you will it totally differently. Star Crystal is much like a deformed dog that first horrifies you, then elicits sympathy...wait a minute...thats what that creature in the movie was!

Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed this obscure B-movie as a child. But, one sees a film differently with more astute eyes. The film seems outdone by everything all at once. The budget is perhaps(next to simply bad writing and overall story development)the main culprit in this film's demise. You can tell how things are elevated(you can tell a part is being picked up by a wire), not to mention in one shot you can actually see the rod that moves the model space ship. The cast for the film are simply not very good at exposing the trauma within the characters and the dialogue, which is sheet-thin and unimaginative doesn't assist them. The story seems to be two separate films..one horror and the other a weeper. This makes the film completely uneven. It starts as an alien clone as this creature and these crystals "birth" from a rock taken by two astronauts from Mars. They want to put a laser to it, but perish thanks to such thinking. As an act of survival, the alien defends by killing..basic fundamentals for defense against anything violent. Once it is on board a space shuttle, several crew members feel threatened and react with hostility against something they don't understand. Somehow, the alien starts out as goo and begins to shape and form over the course of the movie. Also, these crystals seem to provide the alien the basic fundamentals of learning and power. The alien, through the power of the crystals, is able to elevate and control anything. The crew are at the mercy of this alien as it kills three of them when they try to kill it(not to mention exploding a space station early in the film). Yet, once the alien begins to read, through the memory banks of the computer, the Bible, it comes to know Jesus and becomes much more understanding and kind to the two crew members that remain. The film is pretty preposterous for it just doesn't know where to go..it's as if we see the director is throwing all kinds of ideas at us expecting us to enjoy the botched narrative. It seems to be a real horror film, with some pretty good gore with goo and blood. Then comes a morality play which just seems to be an unfortunate detour which is just laughable. If you read through the credits on this film, it's clear that no one made it very far..the whole film is quite amateurish and bad. There does seem to be ambition, but ambition needs talent to fully evolve into a good movie for which this film lacks greatly.

...because I'm the idiot who rented it for the gang to watch. And it's not as though we didn't know how to appreciate hideous movies, either! We enjoyed mocking movies. But this one was far too depressingly-bad to be mockable. It's one of those films that makes you wonder if evolution made a misstep; perhaps sentience was a big mistake? The only reason I voted on it (1, naturally) and revealed my horrible lack of judgment to the world is to warn off other potential victims. Just say no.