Satan's Mistress (1982)

Memorable, crazy movie

hyped garbage

The performances transcend the film's tropes, grounding it in characters that feel more complete than this subgenre often produces.

In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

I saw this in a movie theater back in 1982, and I knew it sucked, but there was a few things I remembered.The acting all around is just plain garbage, especially the actresses playing the daughter, and the psychic friend. The Psychic friends husband, was he supposed to be the stand up comic, he sucked too. The guy playing Satin says nothing.The story/plot/dialogue is even worse than the acting. If you don't have a story, you don't have a movie. But somehow they found the funding and the energy to put this thing together. Very little explanation as to what the husband does, the daughters activities, anything about the main character. The story is a mess.The music and cinematography was OK. Nothing special. The fx? They used the disappearing blood trick like 3 or 4 times.Who keeps a working guillotine in their basement. An ambulance is called, and the wife/psychic jumps in the ambulance with the pieces. John Carodine shows up in the last 15 minutes for some needed explanation about loneliness and the devil.This thing was a mess all around. Boring/Slow Crap.My rating is an F, 1 star. Raised to 2 stars for two reasons Lana Wood, and it's not because of her acting.

Hey, I have the guts to be honest, the only reason I watched this was because I remembered " that chick from the Bond flick who's boobs came close to falling out of her top leaning over at the craps table!" Well that film was Diamonds Are Forever, and her character was Plenty O'Toole who later gets tossed out of a hi-rise hotel window by mobsters and in real life she's the bubbly, vivacious, curvy and beautiful Lana Wood. Apparently her 15-minutes was not enough for her because we fast forward a full decade and she's back, this time in the low-budget Satan's Mistress ( although the version I was streaming titled it "Demon Rage"). Over 5 minutes of the film goes by before the opening credits begin when I am greeted with the production company titled: " BJ Creations." This, along with the screen-caps of Lana Woods breasts, Lana's major nip-slips in the intro, compelled me to believe I was in for an enjoyable evening of typical gratuitous low-budget boobies, and general sleaziness. However the top billing went to Britt Ekland, another Bond co-star ( as agent Goodnight in "The Man With the Golden Gun") and Kabir Bedi yet another Bond co-star ( as Gobinda in "Octopussy") Hmm, 3 actors, 3 different Bond film. Whats going on here, especially after all of this time? Well Britt is hardly in the film at all, but of these 3 ex-Bond characters, she's the most-known, so I guess they needed her name for some street-cache. The film is irretrievably stupid, based on some premise ( which the producers try to sell as fact in the opening credits) that supernatural powers commonly cause people's loneliness. Buy hey, again, to be honest, I already outlined my "2-reasons" for wasting my time. We get a few brief topless scenes of Wood who has remarkable areola on her DD's ( just guessing cup size), 2 of which are her on her back, where she's aged just enough for them to start sagging and be headed towards her arm pits. Needless to say, I was disappointed and hardly titillated at all.....

When I'm hungry after cutting down a few hundred redwoods, I often enjoy a large stack of flapjack's. Generally I'll take a large one, lay a sausage patty on top, then put a chocolate chip on top of that. ZOMG! I've just described Lana Wood's tittays! Seriously though, this movie is not just for the woodsmen. It's for anyone who loves slappy flappy floppy sloppy mams, terrible sound work, and long romantic walks on the beach. Lana Wood longs for a "tall dark man" named Calgon® to take her away. She sees him in her shower. She feels him on top of her manhandling her flapjacks. She spends hours in the hot tub waiting for her man. This movie never ends. It goes on and on until you turn it off, or the world ends. That's totally OK with me.

Bickering couple Lisa (Lana Wood, sister of Natalie) and Carl (Don Galloway) move to an isolated beach house in an attempt to save their marriage. This doesn't work and lonely Lisa soon finds herself attracting a horny spirit (Kabir Bedi) that frequently seduces her and tries to possess the couple's daughter Michelle (Sherry Scott). Psychic best friend Ann-Marie (Britt Ekland) senses something is wrong and tries to stop it. This reminds me of the similar MAUSOLEUM but without the cool green lighting and effects. There isn't really much to this standard horror from director James Polakof as the first hour consists mostly of Lisa moaning and groaning as the General Zod looking spirit gives her the sexy eyes. There is a rather nice decapitation in here, but I had to deduct cool points since no one questions why there is a guillotine in the basement of their new home. The beach location is nice though and offers some early 80s location eye-porn. John Carradine has 4 minute bit as a priest who mutters some nonsense about "the devil attacking us when we are at our weakest."