Assault on Death Mountain (1999)

Best movie of this year hands down!

Very very predictable, including the post credit scene !!!

Although I seem to have had higher expectations than I thought, the movie is super entertaining.

It’s fine. It's literally the definition of a fine movie. You’ve seen it before, you know every beat and outcome before the characters even do. Only question is how much escapism you’re looking for.

To sum everything up: the inexplicably popular Hulk Hogan, washed-up can't-believe-it's-not-porno star Shannon Tweed, Apollo Creed, the cop from "Last House" (who was cool before I saw this) and some other guy who is cleaning up vomit at Wal-Mart while you read this shoot for hours and hours and hours from open spaces without getting a scratch. Usually writers try to make it remotely believable by having one guy shot in the arm or something like that but no, none of that for the indestructible Hulk Hogan. There's just something bothering me about Hulk Hogan being surrounded by twenty guys and just shooting them one by one with his painfully slow moves. It's a way-too-common trend in action flicks that villains with machine guns who are off-screen immediately stop existing. At least Seagal hides behind a crate or something. It's also pretty hilarious how none of the people who get shot appear to bleed, they just fall down. It looks like a bunch of kids playing cowboy and Indian. For people who think wrestling(which in Hogan's case, is not a lot more than soft punching) is real.

This movie is the worst thing ever filmed. I wouldn't really call it a movie. Yet it had me laughing for hours, so I must give it some credit. The beginning is classic. SPOILER ALERT!! It depicts a few members of the team doing there thing. We have Shannon Tweed punching and kicking a punching bag with absolutely no skill at all. We have Appolo sculpting something out of what appears to be a big block of sheet-rock with awful drawings hanging in the back ground. And of course Hogan having some kind of fit due to shell shock from the gulf war. So lets recap. Shannon is a kick boxing chick and Appolo is an artist, kind of. With Hogan being crazy. Suddenly a woman appears and says "I saw your add, it said you help people." Can you picture the add people? Mike Mcbride with a huge gun in the back of Guns and Ammo magazine with the add saying something like "Guns for hire"So basically the lady wants them to rescue her daughter who has been taken from her by her evil ex-husband. The fact is that, this lady might be crazy, and could have lost the child in court. The Shadow Warriors don't ask any questions, they take the case, probonoe no less. So in short they go to this house where a party of some sort is taking place. The team runs in shooting up the place, and rescuing the damn kid.Should I continue, well OK. I can tell you this about shadow warriors. You should watch it, go to you nearest departmental store and look in the 5.88 rack. Both 1 and 2 are there One isn't that funny. But 2, Oh my god. Its the funniest thing of a movie ever.

Mike and his team of shadow warriors are working freelance on military operations. When Mike thinks he recognises a biochemical terrorist from his past they uncover a plot to attack Seattle. With Mike drugged with a slow poison that only terrorist Sarkisian can stop the team go out to stop the attack.This is the second of the Shadow Warrior films and it's much worse that the first (I didn't think it was possible!). The plot is lazy - the first third about a kidnapped girl almost feels like it's just filling in the time until they get to the terrorists bit. The attempts to give Mike a past to create new action is stupid - he recognises the terrorist despite the complete plastic surgery! However the plot doesn't matter in this type of thing right? It's all about the action yeah? Face/Off had a really stretched plot but the action was amazing. Here the action is terrible - really terrible. The Shadow Warriors attack camps with typical American macho-isms - riding round on bikes and cars firing wildly. The final battle is the worst, baddies fire automatics constantly without hitting anyone but are easily taken out with one shot from the warriors. The most laughable bit is seeing Andy flying a helicopter above the action, picking people off with weapons including pistols, grenades, automatics and a rocket launcher - yes you read it right - he looks to all the world like someone leaning out the side of his friends parked car. When we watched it we were roaring with laughter all the way through it.The acting barely matters but suffice to say it's terrible. All the Shadow Warriors are macho with a real buddy sense of humour. Hulk Hogan is terrible - the worst bit (and there's plenty) is the second half when he is poisoned and has to `look in pain' for the rest of the film - he does it by furrowing his brow and staring into the distance, it's really funny. Shannon Tweed is OK, Carl Weathers is OK but neither can do anything with the material. The only good role is Kove as Andy because his manic stuff is funny - but even his stuff gets boring and eventually you realise that he ISN'T playing it with his tongue in his cheek! The main problem with the cast is that the Shadow unit are all American caricatures who are almost invincible. However the main terrorist is English and the majority of the bad guys are foreign - even the terrorist attack is launched from Canada! This feel-good flag waving is quite tasteless to watch. I know that things like Die Hard had European terrorists etc but the way that this shows the US force as invincible moral men & women but shows the rest as stupid, cowardly and weak is insulting and lazy writing.Overall - cheap and nasty - only enteraining because it's so stupid.

Hulk saves the world, yet again. Like all of Hulk Hogans movies this is in the so bad it's good category. Naturally I wouldn't say that to his face. The one thing that stops this movie from excelling in that category though is that it has quite a few really revolting bits in it. For example, the fact that every single baddie of the two unconnected plots is a foreigner and every one of the morally good people is American.There's little point in pointing out odd behaviour by the characters or plot inconsistencies in a movie like this, but I will anyway. In the first plot, which really is just a filler because they didn't manage to pad out the 2nd plot to last for more than an hour, the good guys need to rescue a little girl who's been kidnapped by her Austrian dad from his American wife. The Austrian turns out to be majorly wealthy, but a foreigner so he deserves all that he gets, like having about 15 of his life guards shot while Hulk and the team rescue the little girl. A bit over the top or what? This plot also serves the film makers with an excellent opportunity to show as much cleavage as possible. This is achieved by having Shannon Tweed, disguised as a guest, sneak into the exclusive party the little girl's dad is holding at his estate. She gets to wear a necklace with a camera hidden inside so her necklace and of course her cleavage are shown in close up's a number of times. Pure genius.A common trait for really bad movies like this is the way Mister Evil's henchmen are disposed off. Naturally they're positioned all over the building but one single punch ALWAYS knocks them out cold, never to return to action for the rest of the movie. Unless of course there's a fight scene needed, then the baddies get hit over and over again before they finally get knocked out. Similarly, the baddies can fire machine gun rounds after rounds at the good guys without a single hit while the good guys need one single shot to dispose of entire armies. Unless the baddie has had a bit of screen time, then he'll be much harder to kill. Also, like in all bad action movies, either the number one or number two baddie will be totally cruel and evil when he's got the good guy tied up but will become a shivering coward once the roles are reversed.I don't know, I'm probably not who this movie is marketed at (I shudder to think of the target audience) but I'd find it much more interesting if the baddies actually had a reason to be evil. They're always evil for no reason which makes them cartoon characters. But then, every single character in this movie is a cartoon character.So, in conclusion. Good for a chuckle but not really a truly good, bad film.