The Nostril Picker (1988)

I don't have all the words right now but this film is a work of art.

A different way of telling a story

It's fun, it's light, [but] it has a hard time when its tries to get heavy.

Although it has its amusing moments, in eneral the plot does not convince.

Although released in 1993, The Nostril Picker is undoubtedly a product of the '80s (my Aurum Encyclopedia of Horror, published in '93, has it down as being made in 1988): the fashion, the schlocky approach, the nonsensical plot, the lousy music—they all smack of the decade that taste forgot.The ridiculous storyline sees loner Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering) being taught by a wino how to change his outward appearance by chanting a magical incantation and whistling his favourite song (which happens to be 'London Bridge is Burning Down'). Joe opts to look like an attractive, blonde, female teenager, thereby enabling himself to hang out with other girls of the same age, and then attack them when the opportunity arises, raping them with his knife and devouring their flesh.With a cast whose acting skills are virtually non-existent, direction that can only be generously described as rudimentary, and a script that isn't afraid to give the bottom of the barrel a damn good scraping, The Nostril Picker is about as unsophisticated as a movie can get, which actually makes it more fun than it has any right to be. The cringe-worthy montage that is accompanied by a truly awful rock song is unforgettable, as is the hilarious sight of a transvestite hooker being assaulted with a pair of dildo water-pistols.Also serving to make this mess more enjoyable is the occasional spot of juicy splatter, which is better than one might reasonably expect: one of the early victims has her fingers sliced off (which, judging by her reaction, or lack of one, isn't all that painful), there's a brief spot of cannibalism, and the irritating transvestite gets his throat slashed in suitably gory fashion. The slaughtered girls also appear to Joe in hallucinations, dressed in lingerie and drenched in blood.Rounding off proceedings with a silly and totally predictable twist ending, The Nostril Picker is far from great movie-making, but will prove a guilty pleasure for those who actively seek out cinematic turds.

Bizarre film about a repellent creep who meets a bum on the street who teaches him "morphosynthesis", the ability to transform yourself into whoever you so desire. This psychotic louse uses the identity of a pretty missing girl whose picture was on the back of a milk carton, assuming the role of a female teenage student. He was already unstable to begin with(we are introduced to him as he's ogling at a girl walking down a sidewalk)due to his abuse at the hands of his mother, and so the eventual misogyny(and sadism) which erupts as he remains in the disguise of Josephine(Ann Flood), attacking a girl pack he befriends while attending high school, one at a time, at night when they are not expecting Joe(Carl Zschering), is due to his childhood trauma(as is his cannibalism which derives from feeding from his dead mother's remains while living at home by himself, which explains his devouring flesh from the female victims).THE NOSTRIL PICKER resembles something Troma might distribute/produce, because it's crude, badly dubbed, poorly acted(it sounds like the actors are having trouble with their lines), in bad taste, with a dimestore budget that features schlocky special effects(particularly fingers lopped off a hand and how Joe stabs a victim multiple times, up and down, only after about number fifteen does any blood appear on the blade which means it's obvious he's bludgeoning a pillow). The plot, however, is rather unsettling and disturbing, the idea that out of all the people to have the ability to camouflage himself with another identity, it had to be Zschering's Joe Bukowski, an unhinged recently released mental patient who hates women and has cannibalistic tendencies. The film wants to actually be a comedy and even has a musical interlude where Joe is shown in school and the girls' restroom, having integrated himself into the new role, enjoying the new found freedom and power provided him. Actually, the violence comes out of nowhere, shifting the tone somewhat, only to return to comedy when Joe attempts to sodomize a transvestite he picks up(in the form of the teenage girl)outside his junky apartment. Zschering is effectively cast because he fits the profile of a neighborhood stalker who you could envision as a pedophile predator, dangerous with a knife, particularly lethal with a supernatural ability to fool victims into thinking he's a chick. The title refers to how Joe picks his nose all the time. Joe not only lacerates the jugulars of his female victims and eats pieces of their flesh, he also rapes them with the knife he uses as a weapon! Sickening enough(story-wise) to become a cult classic.

What we got here is a real rarity, a genuine surprise, something that's almost unheard of and all too often hard to find: An extremely good, capably done, and intelligently plotted made-for-video low-budget indie fright flick that doesn't resort to the usual cheap excessive gore and gratuitous T&A in order to grab a viewer's attention. Instead, this creepily right-on little sleeper offers neatly realized three dimensional characters (for example, the titular freaky bloodthirsty wacko is a toxic product of severe child abuse, thus making him a semi-pitiable individual who's just as much a victim as the people he preys on), decent acting, solid direction, a clever, firmly constructed script, fairly accomplished cinematography, a few effectively scary moments, authentically grungy Michigan locations, judiciously used splatter make-up, a potently rendered gloom-doom atmosphere, and a shivery, flesh-crawling synthesizer score to relate the arrestingly oddball tale of a grubby, disaffected, socially maladaptive seething misogynist psycho (well played with edgy dysfunctional conviction by Carl Zschering) who acquires the magical ability to transform his physical appearance so he can become whoever he wants at any time. Under the guise of a cute, seemingly shy and awkward teenage girl (the toothsome Ann Flood), the nutjob befriends and eventually kills an ever-growing number of unsuspecting high school girls in order to get back at his mean mother and equally nasty aunt for grossly mistreating him as a kid. This peculiar shape-shifting story angle thankfully manages to be more than just a silly, ridiculous "gimme a break, man" gimmick, primarily because the story itself is handled with commendable seriousness and competence. Highlighted by several shockingly ghastly murder set pieces (our sicko likes to cannibalize his victims) and topped off with a wonderfully twisted nihilistic ending, "The Nostril Picker" makes for an unexpectedly gripping and highly satisfying horror outing.

Originally called The Changer. The Nostril Picker is a poorly constructed tale about a loner named Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering) who "likes em young". Unable to socially interact with girls he bumps into a tramp who teaches him a special Vietnamese chant. This "chant" involves whistling 'London Bridge is Falling Down' whilst hopping around like an epileptic morris dancer. Nonetheless, Ugly Joe tries it out and hey presto! He is now a girl. Ideally he needs to be a young guy in order attract girls. But lets not talk about ideals here - this film was made in 1983 and released in 1993, in an ideal world it should have NEVER been released.The Film Asylum dubbed this horror hokum as "mind numbing, ham handed story telling". Its worse than that. The Nostril Picker really takes the biscuit, in fact the whole god-damn cookie jar. Terribly scripted dialogue delivered by brain-dead actors, a ridiculous plot and a predictable twist. Just when things couldn't get any more absurd the story goes off on its own nonsensical tangent. For instance, Joe decides to kill the girls by changing back into himself. But i thought he wanted to get close to them? Not content with being a murderer Joe also turns into a cannibal and eats some of his victims, of which there were only around 3-4.The highlight of this terrible movie involves Joe picking up a hooker (Steven Andrews) then taking "her" back to his apartment. What happens next defies belief... Joe turns back into a man, but also discovers the hooker is a man. How does he react? Well, in a Benny Hill-esquire fashion, he chases "her" around the apartment with a bunch of squirty dildo's only to trip up on a blow up doll. God knows what Patrick J Matthews and Stephen Hodge were thinking of. At least this scene paved the way for another priceless moment. This involved the male hooker reporting the incident to a curly haired police officer with a 2-bit joke shop 'cop' uniform. The hilarious acting is a must see. Especially the hooker's inability at saying "dildo" and his demand for "satisfaction".Apart from the above mentioned incident this monotonous slash flick was a complete bore. You know a movie's bad when the DVD trailers were more exciting. Normally, i'd fast forward to the good bits, only there weren't any here. The main action sequences involved Joe simply stabbing his victims repeatedly. Forget quick cuts, Matthews utilizes fadeouts (one during a stab scene) to limit any form of suspense there might already be. One girl's non-reaction to her fingers being chopped off is laughable. Normally i'd relish the words "uncut" but in this case they were far from a blessing. Just more agonizing cinematic torture. The whole movie felt like an unedited episode of Midsummer Murders, only less entertaining. I'd hate to see the cut version.To sum up, The Nostril picker is the most unentertaining thing i've seen since Richard Hammond's 5 O' Clock Show. Dismal performances made worse by a terribly tinny soundtrack and bad dubbing. Don't be fooled by the box label, this is NOT a cult classic unless it qualifies for the lets-use-shitty-horror-dvds-for-coffee-coasters cult. Which i think it does. Unless re-edited to 30 minutes stay away from this coma inducing mess.