Hideaway (1995)

That was an excellent one.

A Masterpiece!

The film makes a home in your brain and the only cure is to see it again.

This film is so real. It treats its characters with so much care and sensitivity.

You sit down in a cozy diner. It's familiar, like you've been to a thousand diners like that one before. Maybe you've been to them once a week, if you're into diners. And maybe when you go, they don't let you in because that particular diner — for whatever reason — only admits customers 17 years of age or older. I don't know.You order the "Hideaway" omelet, which you think will be good because the menu assures you that the ingredients come from an organic farm. The Dean R. Koontz Organic Farm, let's call it.The waiter comes out with your omelet and, lo and behold, your waiter is Jeff Goldblum!Goldblum says, "Here's your... ah... omelet, sir... or... or madam — I'm not sure of the... ah... exact... gender of the person I am speaking to," and then he puts the plate down in front of you.And it's just awful. Everything is lousy. Nothing works. Nothing is memorable. It looks like any ordinary omelet, except the ingredients all look fake and taste even worse. The bacon, which the menu brags is added in to make the omelet look cool, looks like it was made in the '90s, a decade notorious for its fake-looking bacon. To make matters worse, the whole thing reeks of cheese. It's all so cheesy.And though the ingredients are normal, everyday omelet ingredients — mushrooms, cheese, tomatoes, onions — they come together in an odd and confusing way. Not only that, but you also taste chocolate and apples and the faintest whiff of shrimp, even though none of these things fit in with your omelet. Plus, the more you eat the omelet, the messier it becomes. It isn't long before the undercooked eggs are splayed out all over your plate, and you consider leaving the diner right at that minute, but you remember that you're paying about $6 in 1995 money for this omelet. You can't just get up and leave it. Plus, you owe it to Jeff Goldblum to listen to what he has to say, even though he's talking about how he lost his daughter in a car accident and you don't even remember how he got on that subject to begin with.In fact, the only thing that makes the experience worthwhile is Jeff Goldblum, who just rambles to you the entire time you're eating that garbage omelet. He's holding a shotgun, too, for some reason. That's cool, you think to yourself. Jeff Goldblum looks like a badass when he's holding a shotgun.And when you've finished eating the omelet, Jeff Goldblum thanks you for your time and takes the plate back to the kitchen. You never see him again, but you decide that, in two weeks, when you've forgotten that you've ever eaten the "Hideaway" omelet, with its synthetic ingredients, confusing recipe, messy eggs and overwhelming cheesiness, you'll remember who it was that gave it to you: Jeff Goldblum.So maybe you'll be back to that diner to eat another meal with him, but you know one thing for sure: You're never going to order that goddamned omelet again.

Bland and boring in equal amounts, HIDEAWAY is a major disappoint all round. Although the skill involved is more than adequate in front of and behind the camera, the tepid plot and direction mean that the film is just too dull for its own good. Based on a Dean R Koontz novel (obviously not one of his best) and scripted by the screenwriter of SE7EN, Andrew Kevin Walker, the film at least had something going for it, but it totally lacks any of the disturbing force that SE7EN may have had.The use of a psychic link to a serial killer is nothing new and goes back decades, it has been done much better in the past. The killer in this case is a boy. That's right, a little Goth kid with greasy hair. Where's the terror in that? There is none. It's laughable. Jeff Goldblum puts in a mediocre performance and looks like he's sleepwalking through the role as the man tormented by visions, I usually like this actor but in this case he leaves me cold. His wife isn't much better, displaying emoting which seems to have been picked up from countless made-for-television movies. Alicia Silverstone is supposed to add some glamour but fails, just turning out as another obnoxious teenager in peril (which we've seen countless times). Alfred Molina and Rae Dawn Chong appear in small roles and are not given much to do.The thing I didn't like about this film was that it obviously thinks it's good, and it isn't. Major publicity was given to the 'original' special effects, computer effects nonetheless, which were supposed to be show-stopping. However they look just like they've come out of a computer game, with swirling tunnels and patterns which I could create on my PC if I wished to. Didn't THE LAWNMOWER MAN already do this? So what is there to recommend this film? A good horrible scene where Goldblum clutches a razor blade in his hand to make it bleed, and that's about it. Give HIDEAWAY a miss at all costs unless you want to be bored out of your brain.

Not long after losing one of his two daughters in a car accident, family man and antique store owner Jeff Goldblum suffers his own car trauma and literally dies momentarily; a doctor brings him back to life, but it seems Goldblum has brought good and evil powers back with him from the other side: he is now telepathically entwined with a psychopath who hunts young women. Based on a Dean Koontz novel, this low-grade thriller has one of the laziest screenplays I've ever come across. Writers Andrew Kevin Walker and Neal Jimenez don't seem to have a shred of verisimilitude when it comes to writing dialogue for their equally unreal characters--nobody behaves the way regular people would. Christine Lahti is Goldblum's ineffective wife, Alfred Molina is Goldblum's ineffective doctor, Kenneth Welsh is an ineffective detective. They're all walking contrivances in this half-cocked adaptation, which allegedly embarrassed best-selling author Koontz (if it didn't, it should have). Just back from the hospital, Goldblum begins having nightmares that look like bits and pieces of a heavy metal video; the viewer is cued up for the obligatory waking-up-with-a-jolt-from-a-nightmare close-up (and the movie doesn't disappoint). Turns out there's a killer in town (Jeremy Sisto) who gets around from place to place with effortless, alarming accuracy; when he's not hanging out at a sleazy motel--which isn't even listed with information--he's holed up at a derelict amusement park (seems he conveniently has the place all to himself). Of course, nobody takes note that Sisto's latest victim looks like Goldblum's other daughter (Alicia Silverstone, who does nothing but whine), nor does wife Lahti take into account that just maybe her husband knows what he's talking about when he says their kid is in danger. The movie makes absolutely no sense from a logical stand-point, though all of this is rendered inconsequential once Jeff and Christine arrive for a showdown with Sisto near the park's Big Slide ride. The results of this stillborn finale are so shameful, one can only hope Goldblum and company were well-paid for not looking outraged. NO STARS from ****

If you've read the book you would die seeing this movie. It was grossly misrepresented as being from Dean Koontz novel, he actually fought to have his name removed from the title after screening it. The most fundamental part of the book is the character of Regina, who was a innocent, wise-cracking 12 year old. She represented a pure, loving spirit, all that Vassago despised...she certainly was not a teenage sex pot. What a waste of an amazing blueprint for a film. The book, taken word for word would've made a fantastic movie, a real suspenseful thriller, not the low brow, pathetic drivel the studio made of it. Hopefully someone with talent and vision can find a way to make a movie, truly based on the book with Dean Koontz seal of approval, because I would love to see it.