Mermaids (1990)

Touches You

Plenty to Like, Plenty to Dislike

Absolutely the worst movie.

A brilliant film that helped define a genre

Charlotte is the older sibling in a family of three. Her mom is always moving her two girls from town to town, so both Charlotte and her little sister Kate have trouble making friends. Charlotte is like any other girl her age, but there's one exception... she is obsessed with the Catholic religion and while other girls are thinking of The Beatles, Charlotte dreams of one day being a nun.One day Charlotte meets a boy and her mom meets a man, who happens to work at the local school. As events such as the J.F.K. assassination and kissing her new boyfriend Joe come up, Charlotte's life gradually stops making sense, until a horrible accident makes her family stop and think.This movie is GREAT, I've loved it since grade 5. The acting is amazing with actresses Cher (Silkwood and The Mask), Winona Ryder (Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands), and Christina Ricci (The Addam's Family Weird is Relative and Casper). The soundtrack is excellent and suits the date in question (takes place in 1963), and the plot is a fictional memoir of one of the most original characters you'll ever see. I highly recommend this movie, it's one of the best 1990's movies I've seen.

I recognised the title because of the two leading actresses and leading actor, but I was interested to know the origins of the title, and I knew it would feature the song that the singer/actress got to number one with, from director Richard Benjamin (The Money Pit, My Stepmother Is an Alien). Basically, set in 1963, fifteen year old Charlotte Flax (Golden Globe nominated Winona Ryder, who also narrates throughout) lives with her glamorous but eccentric mother Rachel who she refers as "Mrs. Flax" (Cher) and her little sister Kathryn 'Kate' (introducing nine year old Christina Ricci). The family are forced to constantly move when the mother's relationships or circumstances go wrong, they have now relocated to Eastport, Massachusetts to a small town near a convent, Charlotte is fascinated and idolises the nuns despite being reminded by Rachel that she is Jewish, while Kate loves swimming and ocean, she has won many swimming competitions. In the town, Charlotte has feelings for twenty six year old handsome convent caretaker and local school bus driver Joe Porretti (Michael Schoeffling), while Rachel has affection for local shop owner named Lou Landsky (Bob Hoskins), while remaining selfish, self obsessed and hopelessly promiscuous. Following the assassination President John F. Kennedy, Charlotte kisses Joe in the church bell tower, and being naive she wrongly assumes that she is pregnant, and she cannot talk to her mother about her fear, but later an obstetrician examining her confirms that she is still a virgin, she is relieved. At a New Year's Eve costume party Rachel dresses as a mermaid (hence the title), and Lou, dressed as a pirate, asks her to move in with him, but she refuses and they fight, and being driven home she is kissed by Joe, and watching them Charlotte thinks her promiscuous mother is trying to steal him. Later that night Charlotte takes the mermaid costume and goes with Kate to the convent with Joe, while the little sister collects rocks the older sister loses her virginity (for real), and distracted she does not realise Kate fell into the river and almost drowned, she was saved by nuns. Rachel is very angry and wants to move house to avoid embarrassment of her older daughter and Joe being talked about, but Charlotte fights her corner to avoid this, and the argument ends with the mother convinced to stay at least one year. In the end Rachel stays in the town where her relationship with Lou continues, Joe keeps in touch by postcard after moving away, Charlotte is studying her passion subject Greek myths, Kate has recovered with only some deafness, and for the first time in ages the family sit down at the table to dinner. Also starring Caroline McWilliams as Carrie, Jan Miner as Mother Superior, Betsy Townsend as Mary O'Brien, Richard McElvain as Mr. Crain and Paula Plum as Mrs. Crain. Cher is good as the oddball and out there mother, Hoskins does his accent okay and is likable, Ryder is a great surprise as the opinionated and confused girl, and Ricci is so adorable and cute with her sweet nature and attitude. The story is simple, a quirky family living the nomadic lifestyle, the love interest plots with the two women is interesting, the bickering and emotional arguments are engaging, the period of the film is convincing, and of course it is great to hear "The Shoop Shoop Song (It's in His Kiss)" (both the Betty Everett and the number one version by Cher), it is a nice gentle, funny and light-hearted romantic comedy. Very good!

I walked into the cinema expecting this to be a film. I was right, but I thought it was going to be about women with tails swimming about the ocean, perhaps a sequel to The Little Mermaid. I was wrong. This is a film about a woman and her two daughters riding from town to town trying to get a break. Who cares. Who writes these things? Who watches these things? Seriously. Do you want to watch a film about a mummy shouting at her daughters and flirting with Bob Hopkins? No. Then they burst into a rendition of the Cheep Cheep song written by Dusky Springfield. It wasn't long before I fell asleep and dreamed a dream.I dreamt that I was a mermaid, or in this case a merman like in He-Man. I had a big 3-pronged fork which I used to catch my dinner- giant shrimp, octopussies, sea burgers etc. I wasn't the King or anything, but I was pretty well off as far as ocean dwellers go. I had a few concubines who would answer my every sordid whim. The main one looked like Winorda Rider so the film had some impact on me. One day I was relaxing on the ocean floor when a little lost boy swam round the rock shouting 'Kali Ma! Kali Maaa!' This disturbed me greatly so I gathered a group of my mates and went off to investigate. The source of the trouble was a giant dragon which had erupted from the ocean floor. We started to beat it with sticks and throw crabs at it but it laughed and turned into Les from Coronation Street. I was quite taken by surprise, and even more so when I looked down and saw that I was no longer a merman but a cup of tea sitting on a table on the set of Britain's most beloved soap. Vera had a suck of me, then Rita, then the ginger one, and Les dipped a digestive in me. Even now I feel his crumbs floating around my insides. All of a sudden Chair came running in singing the Woop Woop song, her and Bob Hostile dancing together, faster and faster. The youngest daughter from Mermaids (Lionel Ricci) came bounding in, tripped and banged into me. I tipped over the edge of the table and fell towards the carpet. Just before I hit the ground I woke up. The cinema was empty and the screen was blank. I realised I had slept over so decided to get up and go home for some sausages and whiskey.I noticed my watch (a Timex) had stopped. I walked out and found that no-one was around so I thought they were all in other screens, watching better movies. My footsteps seemed louder than usual, and there was an eerie quiet. An empty bag of minstrels rustled on the floor. Eager to put the whole episode behind me I made my way down the stairs and out they door. What greeted me I can only describe as silent carnage. Cars lay upturned on the streets, bikes and clothes lay strewn in the highest branches of the trees and on top of the lamp posts. Fires were burning all around, but in their dying stages. There was no wind. No sound. Everything seemed stale and artificial like a reality TV show commissioned by Channel 4. I had a feeling in my groin like some unknown force from centuries ago had taken residence there with no intention of leaving. The air had no taste but seemed like Polystyrene. Worse, there were no people. Shell shocked I stumbled across the street, still looking left and right for traffic even though the nearest car sat half in half out of the third storey of an office block behind me. I entered the corner shop looking for some fellow humans; not were to be found. Wait! Maybe some took shelter in the pub next door from whatever had happened here. What had happened? Terrorist? Aliens? Bomb? Earthquake? Act of God? I couldn't be sure, and my thoughts were not following logically anyway. Words bounced spontaneously about my head. Like. Unfocused. Wasps. Chasing. Jigsaw. Lullaby of descent into something something hell don't can't know no this isn't me here, why, why not whine aught? The pub was no less empty than the shop before. No-one anywhere. This was 4 days ago. I am home. I am alone. It's getting dark and I mostly get scared at night. Mostly. I haven't met another living soul in days. TV and radio are gone. Is there anybody out there? Let me know. I'll be at the town hall at midday everyday for an hour. I won't stay around for long though. I'm taking my bike down south to see if every town is the same. Head for the coast. Get a boat or swim if I must. Leave this place and find another way. Surely this can't be the only place. Please God.Best Bit: Taking all the DVDs from HMV now that everyone's gone.

Turn the TV off and spend the two hours staring a blank screen. Barring neurological dysfunction, your daydreams will be more interesting.This movie is like a well-intentioned friend that is perpetually concerned with pleasing everyone and inevitably ends up pissing everyone off. It tries to be funny, insightful, artistic, removed and searching all at the same time and FAILS miserably at them all.Except for Michael Schoeffling, whose character would have been showed to better advantage using a scarecrow with his hands shoved in his pockets and his tongue shoved down anyone's throat (I'm glad he had the good sense to give up acting), most of the acting was decent. At the climax of the film, Winona Ryder was even impressive. The cinematography was fine, just not memorable. It's the script that kills them all. Not just a syringe of morphine killing either - this is a lying by the edge of the road in a million pieces killing. It's ridiculous without being funny (even ironically) and slow-moving without being insightful or inspiring. Even more unforgivably, it makes too-abundant use of tried and TIRED plot elements and twists.The only good thing about this movie was that the frustrating prospect of being stuck watching it while on my treadmill made me angry enough to run at full speed the whole time. Rent it and give it to your worst enemy while simpering "Oh I know you'll LOVE this!"